Saturday, November 27, 2010

"Truly abused"

This is a warning for this next entry I am venting all the rage I am feeling at reading a person's comment on someone else's page.  If you do not want to read this venting of anger, please, hit the back arrow now.  You might want to click over some light humor on this page 

I wanted to offer my sincere condolences that the blogger had someone in their life that would write that their  heart went out to those that are "truly abused."   My interpretation was the writer of the comment to the person writing the blog was they were not "truly abused."  I wrote 5 different responses and I deleted all 5, since all of the responses became about my rage of how dare this arrogant person imply that the person writing their feelings of emotional abuse is not "truly abused."

Dictionary definition of abuse:
3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about;revile; malign. 

This is one of the dictionaries definitions of abuse.  The forms abuse can be physical, psychological, sexual, and in my opinion spiritual abuse.  Most people inflicting the abuse will say it was "not that bad."   I have heard survivors themselves argue, "Well, my abuse isn't as bad as yours."

This is my opinion: ABUSE IS ABUSE.  Choosing to lower or end contact with abusive family members or friends is not being mean it is taking care of yourself.  Choosing not to continue to allow someone else to abuse you is a healthy choice.  Learning to protect yourself physically and emotionally is a healthy choice.

I know part of my fury was being told as a child that what was done to me was not that bad.  When I showed them the bruises, I was told I was just a clumsy child.  When my NM fed me food that made me ill, I was told she didn't realize it hurt me.  Then why did she give me my grandmother's stomach medicine if she didn't know what I was eating was hurting me?  At the beginning of counseling, I totally rejected the idea that I was an abused child.  After all, bad things happen to everyone.  After several months of defining what abuse was and comparing it to my reaction, the counselor made it very clear to me that not only was I abused and neglected, he put me down as one of the more severe cases of abuse that he worked with.  The first thing I needed to do in order to move towards a healthier way of living was to acknowledge that I was abused with all the symptoms that go with it, PTSD, DID, fear, anxiety, withdrawal, dissociation, depression and the list goes on.  Next I started unraveling memories, nightmares and flashbacks to piece together a rough outline of what happened.  I then needed to learn to protect myself physically and emotionally.  Over seven years of counseling and I am still trying to get to the point that I feel like a healthy person.

The past month KavinCoach let me know he was moving.  I went through the agonizing evaluation of where am I right now in my emotional healing.  Could I function on my own without a counselor for support?  I decided, with my circumstances, I needed someone outside my life that can help me sift through my garbage and teach me more about protecting myself while staying involved with others.  Being human, we are a clumsy lot and every person I come in contact has the potential of eventually doing something that hurts me.  Learning appropriate responses and being able to identify between those that do respect me and would not intentionally harm me from those that because of their own issues make a habit of hurting others, myself included, and how to protect my rights as a human being.  I am so thoroughly angry that anyone dared to invalidate someone else's evaluation of their own situation.  How dare they be so arrogant to imply that being disrespected, talked down to, humiliated, gaslighted, etc. is not abuse?  Just because there are no visible scars, does not mean you were not abused.  Just because you don't cry when you tell about what happened, doesn't mean you didn't feel pain.  Just because it is uncomfortable for others to be reminded of their poor behavior, doesn't mean their behavior did not hurt the other person.  I will say it again ~ ABUSE IS ABUSE.        


upsi said...

Ruth - I feel all your feelings, too. How dare someone tell anyone else what their experience is/was.

Thank you for this post. You are an inspiration.

Ruth said...

Thanks UPSI.

Laurel Hawkes said...

Wow. You said it. Out loud. Progress indeed.

Ruth said...

Thanks for the compliment Laurel.

mulderfan said...

One of my counselors told me people who bear physical scars get more sympathy than those of us that were emotionally and, yes, spiritually abused. Most of us never fully heal.

Great post, Ruth.

Ruth said...

Thank you mulderfan. I appreciate your encouragement.