Hunger

Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.

Jo Brand

Sometimes I read other blogs before writing mine.  I was visiting one that is the DH of a lovely multiple.  He noted often requests for things they want it is food.  My thought was oh, YEA!  I worked with KavinCoach for several years before I mentioned my obsession with food.  When I worked in my own office, I stored a case of Dinty Moore's stew and a case of water.  The custodians joked that I could be locked in my office for a week and I wouldn't go hungry.  Mostly I hide food.  I tried to stop several times but finally accepted my need for hiding food.  Now I try to hide it in the same place so I don't find Easter candy hidden under the bed in July.  (Fortunately, it was still good. :) At work now I have a boss that insists I eat at a certain time.  My inner self is asking, "But what if I am hungry?"  For a week now I have had to eat handfuls of peanuts before the set lunch time to relieve the anxiety.  Mind you, I am more than 40 lbs over weight.  I haven't truly starved since I was a child.  But that is just it, in a house of plenty, I had to go hungry so there would be 'enough' food for my brothers.  If I am sharing dinner with my brothers, I still over eat until I feel sick.  When I finally told KavinCoach he asked, "You have eating disorders?  Why didn't you mention this before?"  I shrugged my shoulders and explained that the other stuff was bigger.  He agreed that sorting out multiple personalities is a bit bigger than mundane eating disorders.  I know consciously that I am not going hungry but the gnawing fear persists.  I do feel that the food issue was the source of the creation of Sammy.  He was a boy and he could have food and he knew how to get it.  Yup, I am pretty sure that was his role.  Now, if I say I am going on a diet, I can gain 5 lbs (2 kilos) in a week.  The anxiety can last for up to a month after going back on my favorite See food diet.  I sometimes feel really frustrated with myself.  Then I remind myself to be kind.  The fear and anxiety are about the past and not my reality now.  I know that I can keep as much chocolate in the house as I need to lessen my anxiety.  My doctor would like me to loose at least 30 lbs.  If she can figure out how I can do that without fighting extreme anxiety I would do it.  I learned the hard way and with a bit of research that when your body drops into survival mode it automatically starts saving fat for the hard times to come.  Worked great hundreds of years ago when feast or famine were a way of living.  Not so good now when there is plenty all the time but my mind tells me I am starving.   Staring at a table full of food and being told nobody likes a fat girl so I better not eat is a kind of cruelty I wish I had not repeated.  Unfortunately, I raised my children before I understood my own twisted thinking.  I am thankful that my girls are learning to eat healthy diets and care for their bodies.  I wish I hadn't passed the anxiety and fear to another generation.  Too late smart.  Unfortunately in life there is no Edit>Undo.  All I can hope is to encourage my adult children and anyone else that will listen that food used as a punishment, a reward, or to define self image leads to life long struggle with weight.  I know how scary it is when you have a child that isn't eating or gaining weight like they should.  I know that their are allergies and other health issues that can cloud issues.  I encourage anyone to choose healthy eating no matter how much or how little they weigh.  (I know some very skinny people who's eating habits are atrocious.)  Your body is one big chemical factory that needs certain foods and vitamins to function, the challenge each person's needs and tastes are different.   

(I will now get off my soap box.  Thank you for reading this.)