******WARNING - graphic descriptions and may be a trigger for some readers******
The first few years of counseling for me were incredibly difficult. I started counseling with no memories of my childhood. Information was second hand knowledge from stories retold by others. The first thing I did was remember slowly. The only way I can think to describe it is like having a wound that healed over with dirt in it and it gets infected. The original wound is no longer visible but the redness, pain, and swelling from the infection is very evident. Basically, those wounds had to be reopened and allow the infection to be cleaned out. It was messy, painful, and I wondered how I would survive. KavinCoach taught me that if I lived through it, then I can survive remembering it. I called the counselor's office the torture chamber. Not because of my counselor's behavior, he was always supportive and encouraging. I called it that because of what I had to remember about my own childhood. This was my life I was remembering, ugliness that seemed to cut to my bone. Some days I would come home from a session in such emotional pain I would walk in the house curl up on the couch and go to sleep without eating dinner. I couldn't bare to do one more thing. It was messy. I didn't give up. Oh, I was tempted to give up but I knew somehow in my heart that the way to heal was through, not around my past. I am a work in progress. At last, I can truly see my progress. I am more at peace than I have ever been. I feel more joy than I have ever known. I am thankful that KavinCoach did not give up on me and he persuaded me not to give up on myself.
6 comments:
Hi Ruth,
Torture chamber. I can really appreciate that. It's quite fitting.
I am thankful you did not give up, too.
Elle
Thanks Elle.
Mohammed Ali said, "Getting knocked down inside the ring or out is not wrong. It's not getting back up that is wrong!"
You may have been down but you definitely fought your way back up, Ruth.
I'm proud to be your friend.
Hugs, P/M
Thanks P/M. I like that quote from Ali. He knows a lot about fighting and surviving.
Dear Ruth,
Some people cannot bear the pain. They must leave the past silenced for remembering is too shattering.
You however, have the strength to do this work and that is so inspiring to your readers (and the people in your 'real' life, too).
I think most people underestimate the pain of opening the doors to abusive childhoods. It's so strange but even though we've grown up, our childhoods are but one thought away from feeling them all over again.
Don't give up. Keep going. You have a great therapist working with you now. You Can Do This.
It honestly does get better if you pace yourself through the memories. KavinCoach was right: don't give up on yourself. You are worth fighting for.
Hugs,
CZ
Thanks CZ, one of the hardest things I had to learn was to pace myself. I wanted to have it done in a hurry. In this case, faster was not better. I appreciate your encouragement.
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