Memories...faded and lost

One of the things that helped KavinCoach realize I was a bigger mess than I was letting on at first was my lack of memories.  I had gaps in my memories large enough to drive a MAC truck through.  When I started counseling, I desperately wanted to remember.  I discovered several aides in memory retrieval. One help was talking to someone from my past.  In my case, my sister and I started poking around in our shared childhood.  We remembered different things.  I was able to tell her why she saved a particular stuffed animal and she validated some of the weird stuff I was tempted to dismiss as just too weird to be true.  Another helper for me was photography.  Before I started counseling, I was given a photography assignment to do a self-portrait using a series of at least 10 pictures.  Only one could be an actual picture of myself.  As I worked to define myself bits and pieces of memories slipped past my internal barriers.  There is something about art that allows me to let down my emotional guard and let the memories flow through.  Another thing was to allow myself to write in the middle of the night when I woke up from a nightmare.  Life triggered nightmares...nightmares triggered memories.  I learned from KavinCoach that I had to be careful of 'false memories.'  The brain does not distinguish between watching a movie and my own life.  Stranger still is the way the brain will put a 'nicer face' on a traumatic experience.  For example, instead of remembering the face of my abuser, instead I remembered the face of a kinder person, taking some of the distress away from me but if I had said anything, causes problems, since accusing someone of something they didn't do really damages a relationship.  There are many different ways of retrieving memories, hypnosis, therapy, free writing (writing whatever comes to mind without editing), brainstorming and then going back and talking into the tape recorder about the event written down, talking with a safe person, meditation, exercise without ear buds blasting music, any number of ways to get inside your own head.  Word of caution for those that may have less than stellar past.  If you suspect you may be repressing traumatic memories, don't do this alone.  Heavy duty memory retrieval, AKA flashbacks, can be hazardous to your emotional/mental health.  When I started remembering, I had NO idea what I was getting into.  My mind repressed much of my childhood completely.  I did learn several valuable lessons.  If I lived through it, I can remember it.  Don't push my mind faster than my coping skills can work with, little chunks can move a mountain.  Don't be surprised if it doesn't bring the relief you think it will.  Memories are from the past.  May help with understanding why you do what you do but memories are cast in stone.  You can't change your past.  After a few years of remembering horrific images, I decided God's blessing to me is fuzzy on the details.  I like fuzzy.