Backbone revisited

Thank you for the kind comments on Wishbone Backbone FunnyBone.  Saturday morning my sister started our walk off with a lecture on the fact that I do to have a backbone and pointed out the different ways I have shown it.  So, why do I have this self perception of having no backbone?  I have puzzled over this all weekend.  Before integrating and early in my counseling, I didn't have nice names for all of my parts to myself.  (Sometimes referred to as alters.)  One part was called "Worm" before I changed the names.  I knew that sometimes I grovel and behave like a spineless worm or jellyfish or any other invertebrate that you can think of.  I really despise myself when I behave this way.  I had one part of me that behaved this way and so when I integrated that part came too.  (I decided no part left behind that meant the good, the bad and the ugly were included.)  I thought that after integration this part would magically disappear.  It didn't.  I thought about this most of the weekend.  If this behavior didn't end with integration, then 'groveling' was not part of being a multiple.  I am starting to recognize this as a PTSD reaction.  A trigger* occurs and this reaction is set off. Since I don't seem to be able to stop the reaction, my next task is to identify the trigger.  This is one of the complex things about PTSD.  I am noticing that I rarely am able to stop a PTSD reaction.  I may slow it down a little but once the Dominoes fall I feel like a helpless spectator as my mind falls apart.  KavinCoach started teaching me to recognize and diffuse the triggers.  He would purposely set off some of my triggers in his office and then teach me how to recognize, slow down and analyze my reaction.  I know partly why this reaction exists but knowing why, doesn't solve how to stop it.  Unfortunately, the only way for me to analyze the reaction is for the trigger to happen again.  Here's the kicker.  I don't know the trigger.  It has happened with more than one person.  It has occurred in more than one part of my life.  I some how have an internal radar that most of the time I can avoid it.  NewCounselor watched me fall apart last week in his office over this.  I don't remember much of the end of my last session.  'Flooding'** occurred and took two days to recover.  Part of solving a problem is defining the problem.  Hard to do when you don't know what it looks like, I only have my reaction after it is too late to stop it.  Crumbs.  This is going to be tough one.   


*trigger - any event, action, words, feelings, smells or pictures that set off a PTSD reaction. 
**flooding - a massive overload of emotion sufficient to almost have me pass out.  I slept for hours and hours.  Went to work came home and slept some more.  Found an article that addresses this reaction:
http://portlandrelationshipinstitute.com/Artcl__Emotional_Floodin.html

One HOT problem