Wishbone Backbone Funnybone

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.

- REBA MCENTIRE

http://www.positivelypositive.com/quotes/to-succeed-in-life-you-need-three-things-a-wishbone-a-backbone-and-a-funnybone/

Two out of three ain't bad.  Well, it ain't bad in some situgations.  You know Situgations - Situations in which you need negotiations like living.  I started with a funnybone.  I have always been able to laugh at life and myself.  One day I was talking to my professor that helped me write my book.  I was laughing over one of the parts I was working on.  He looked at me in confusion, "What happened to you was so awful, how can you laugh?"  I gently replied,  "I can laugh or I can cry, laughing is more fun."  If anything I have gotten myself in trouble for laughing at times when others thought it was not appropriate, like when something bad happens.  One of the reasons I didn't believe I was depressed was because I can and do laugh over many things.  Sometimes life is just funny.  I actually met a lady that hated comic strips, jokes, anything and everything to do with humor.  She had bad things happen in her life.  She lost her funnybone.  I decided everyone has something bad happen.  Loosing your funnybone just adds to the tragedy.  Shakespeare is one of the first noted comedians and his "Comedy of Errors" points out just how zanny life can be. 

My wishbone I kept hidden.  It was safer that way.  I had too many experiences where a person found out what I wished for then used that to harm me.  I buried it so deep I didn't find it for a long time.  The first time KavinCoach asked me what I wanted I was puzzled.  He was puzzled when I said, "I don't know."  Eight years of counseling and I have now unearthed my wishbone to discover that it is healthy and strong and been influencing me from hidden depths.  My wishbone pushed me into counseling, gave me the drive to finish my degree, and continues to push me through struggles to go for the really good stuff in my life.  Yup I have a wishbone.

So that leaves the backbone.  One of the hardest things about PTSD, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and tough crap at a young age when the backbone is developing it can stunt the growth or eliminate it all together.  When standing up to someone can bring about tragic results, you really think twice about doing it again.  Especially, if someone or something else is hurt because you stood up to a bully.  The scariness of a bully is that when you stand up to them, they get more violent.  Being a multiple is an elaborate way of hiding from the bullies in my life.  The times I remember standing up to the bullies ended in violence to myself or others.  I was one of those kids that if you really wanted to hurt me, hit the kid next to me then tell me that it was my fault.  I learned to my very core that a backbone was dangerous and caused harm to others.  Now NewCounselor is trying to help me grow a backbone.  The scene from Harry Potter comes to mind when he had to regrow the bones in his arm.  He was assured it is going to be painful.  Great. Awesome. (There really needs to be a sarcasm font. Can't you just see those two words dripping with sarcasm?)  After about 30 minutes of talking to me NewCounselor watched me come apart on his couch.  After 35 minutes he is doing everything he can to get me to stay focused on staying conscious.  Yup.  A backbone is that scary to me.  I adopted the concept of being like the grass that bends in the wind instead of being blown over like the might oak.  KavinCoach was the first one to ask me about standing up for myself.  I told him I could count on one hand how many times I had done that, then I proceeded to tell him.  I then told him about one of my more vivid memories of when I didn't stand up for myself.  I was in high school and just came back from being out sick for 2 weeks.  It was at the beginning of the semester so the teacher didn't know me at all.  The first paper I wrote for the class my friend asked to borrow it so she could get an idea about what the teacher expected.  When the teacher returned my paper, I had a zero.  The teacher explained to me that I must have copied from my friend.  I took the zero with out a word in my defense.  At the end of the semester, the teacher asked to talk to me.   She told me that after reading my papers all semester she now knew that I was the one that wrote it.  She told me that she was going to give me credit for the paper.  I asked her if it made any difference.  Raised my grade by one letter.  I simply told her good.  I recognize now that the teacher was stumped as to why I didn't defend myself or wasn't happier that I was vindicated.  A paper just wasn't that big of deal.  I think I do have a backbone but I reserve it for the really big stuff.  The little stuff I tend to just let it blow over.  I recognize now that the little stuff to me doesn't always match what other people think.  Sometimes I just hide because I am so tired of fighting for survival.  Putting my backbone back in place is going to be a long hard process.