Are you in danger now? No.
Have you talked about this before? Yes.
Did it help? No.
Time to change perspective.
Thanksgiving is a massive trigger but I love the day. I love gratitude. I have TONS of quotes one of my favorites: "Without gratitude, we do not recognize we've been given a gift." I love eating. If I ate like my little heart desired, I would probably double my weight. I love my family. I love the parades.....so where's the problem. What is the kicker that takes something so lovely and turns it into a nightmarish day to dread?
Many of my regular readers know the horrific N word. Narcissistic disorder. My mother is not diagnosed but she has almost every indicator. If I go around my NM, she will shred me emotionally sometime during the day. Easy solution don't see her. This helped so much. I am on my third year of no contact on Thanksgiving. Anxiety lessened but still there. Next, unreasonable expectations. Let go of expectations. The day does not need to be perfect. More anxiety floats away. In a desire to have a peaceful day try to solve other people's unreasonable expectations and frustrations of the day. This is the biggy. As much as I love my family, I can not solve their issues with the day. I can be supportive. I can be loving. I can't fix their hurt or frustration of the day. But you know what, IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. One of the after affects of child abuse is the delusion that if I caused the problems, I can fix them. Yes, abusers blame the child for what they do to the child. A child is already egocentric and suddenly the weight of their own misery is on their own tiny shoulders. Then comes the distortion, if I caused the mess I can fix it. A lie built on a lie is a lie. I love my family and what ever issues and frustrations they have with the day I can't fix it. I didn't cause it either. I love and support them but the problem is theirs. Sometimes hard to watch from the side lines while they behave like a jerk but it is not about me and I can not resolve it.
I have plans for Thanksgiving day. Here is one of them. I know that not all my readers celebrate November 24th as Thanksgiving day. Canadian friends already celebrated, other international friends have their own traditions. Here is what I am proposing, I will write more tomorrow. I would like to invite everyone to drop by my blog and share a favorite recipe or something you are thankful for in your life. I learned that gratitude does not solve my problems but I enjoy what I have more.
6 comments:
I'm grateful my manuscript wasn't accepted by the publisher, because God has a better plan in mind.
Oh Ruth,
i can absolutely relate to the mother situation, as my own harmed me deeply with her untreated, unacknowledged Narcissistic personality disorder. I send you my understanding and lots of caring.
I like your idea for having people stop by and say what they're thankful for :).
Gratitude can be so healing.
So many parallels to AA, especially in the book I am reading presently, A Woman's Way Through the Twelve Steps by Stephanie Covington.
Make a gratitude list and add to it often.
Let go of expectations.
Accept things (people) you can't change. (This doesn't mean you have to put up with them!)
Change the things (yourself) you can change.
Don't take on responsibilities for other people (including whether they are happy or not).
Wednesday night's speaker pointed out that the 12 steps have something to offer everyone, not just those with an addiction. I think she might be right.
Mmmmm...food!
Love P/M
Laurel your attitude is awesome. I am really proud of you and your willingness to put your self out there for those type of rejections. Keeping you in my prayers.
I am sorry vwoopvwoop that you have suffered from your NM's actions. I follow several blogs that deal with the same hurtful behavior of someone else. I look forward to hearing from you on Thanksgiving.
As always, hugs P/M, I appreciate your contribution. The process of changing humans seems to be one of life's standards. Gratitude is at the top of the list. Thanks for commenting. Can I hope for a yummy recipe on Thursday? :)
Hello Ruth
When an NM blames an innocent child for her own short comings it is cruel beyond words. I can totally relate to this and empathise with you; it really is the worst betrayal.
A quote by Frank A Clark “A baby is born with a need to be loved and never outgrows it”
Some years ago I went to a lovely Chinese lady acupuncturist because of stress and anxiety. During one session I was discussing my FOO and associated problems and I became tearful. I recall her looking very embarrassed at my disclosures and she said gently “Don’t think too much.”I remember feeling rather miffed but on refection I understood what she meant. I took her advice and it did help. Of course it’s not always easy to remember to do this all the time.
Be kind to yourself at your Thanksgiving celebrations. If things get too much for me during celebrations in my home, I disappear to my bedroom for ten minutes or so and take solace in some relaxing music.
Thank you for the lovely picture of water over the rocks, I can almost hear it, I find the sound of water extremely calming
XX Molly
Thanks Molly for your kind words and encouragement. Not thinking too much is kind of what NewCounselor said to. I am working on understanding.
Ruth
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