Wasting away

The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. Muhammad Ali

The one thing I can say about living these last 10 years is my life view has changed dramatically.   Ten years ago, after my cancer surgery, I was accused of changing.  He was right; I did.  Something about facing that very scary C word that used to be and sometimes still synonymous with death.  Things that I used to worry about just stopped being a big deal.  Things I used to let slide suddenly seemed the most important thing in the world.  Completing a bucket list before kicking the bucket became a higher priority.  Then came counseling.  You know.... Counseling is a scarier C word than cancer.  Cancer I lost a body part that I had been fairly attached to.  Counseling I nearly lost my mind.  Or more accurately I found my mind and spent hours piecing together shattered parts.  My mostly forgotten childhood became my personal boogie man that keeps me up late terrified of sleeping.  What I thought I knew was reality distorted.  Dreams that they told me were exaggerations were the truth and the truth I was told were lies.  After integration, my counselor asked me if I would rather be a pioneer that crossed the United States in handcarts late in the fall and caught by snow or be in counseling.  I told KavinCoach, "I'll make it easy for you, I would rather have cancer again then do what I am doing."  At least with cancer, you can cut it out, radiate, people believe you, they have walks and rallies for you.  But a person with a shattered mind, is the modern day leper.  People pull away from you, shun you cause *gasp* you are depressed, call you a liar, accuse you of doing this to get attention.  Do you realize that not one person accused me of having cancer to get attention?  I think Muhammad Ali's quotes have taken on a greater significance to me when I have fought a much bigger opponent than cancer.