Changing the world

My life is my message.

Mahatma Gandhi

I grew up with conversations at the dinner table about Mahatma Gandhi being on another hunger fast.  No small wonder he was so skinny.  As I got older, I started studying him more.  He became one of the first "The Difference of One" montages that I created.  When I was in counseling, KavinCoach assigned me to watch the movie of his life.  What did I learn?  The scene I was to pay special attention to was when he goes to vote and the guard knocks him down.  This happens over and over.  The thing that amazed me was that he kept getting up.  Sometimes I feel knocked down and the key is to get back up again.  Severe PTSD is getting knocked down about as far as you can get knocked emotionally.  I keep getting back up to try again.  Comments on this blog encourage me to keep sharing here.  I know my experience is not identical to everyone elses.  I just know that somewhere out there is someone that needs to know they are not alone in life's struggles.  PTSD with dissociation, DID, MPD, which ever acronym you want to use is tough.  KavinCoach told me about 6 months after I started seeing him that if he had known at the beginning what challenges I faced he would have recommended I see someone else for counseling.  My long term goal is for my life to be my message.  I hope that I can share that healing is possible.  Finding peace is possible.  Reclaiming my life from my fears is possible.  I know there are set backs.  Holidays are a wonderful time of the year and I feel like I am tiptoeing through a massive minefield.  Triggers and hidden and not so hidden pot holes of depression litter these next 2 months.  Perhaps this year, not only will I survive, but I will thrive during the holidays.  Last Thanksgiving was awesome.  I was relaxed and happy.  Going for a second year in a row.  Christmas....On a religious stand point it means a lot to me.  On emotional standpoint.... Weird Al's song about the 12 reasons why I hate Christmas brings a lot of laughter over stuff that ain't all that funny.  Laughing is more fun than crying for emotional release.  I am going to have several posts talking about my religious connections and I know for some readers this is a trigger.  I will post at the beginning when I post these so that you may choose to read on or not.  I know this is a season for many stresses for many reasons.  Poor economic conditions and unpredictable weather can make it worse.  But being poor and cold never worried me over much, being scared and tormented....that is much harder challenge for me.  Going into this Christmas season the posts may vary widely as I try to process all the emotions I used to stuff for Thanksgiving and nor really come out again until New Year.  Being integrated, changed my ability to stuff my emotions.  Reconnecting to emotions is a painfully joyous adventure.  Let the festivals begin and may every one negotiate a safe passage.