New beginnings, starting over, reevaluating are all parts of MAJOR CHANGE. Sometimes in life we need to make course adjustments to keep on track with life goals. I found myself backed into a dark corner where I had to make a massive change one way or the other. My world and mind were falling apart. Most of my problems showed up in my marriage. I chose to go to marriage counseling to see if I could rescue my relationship with my husband. After 25 years of raising kids, they were leaving home starting their own lives just as kids should. Our focus had been on what the kids needed and not what we needed, which I have learned is a very bad plan for a marriage. What I hadn't counted on in my life plan were 15 years of poor health that put an additional strain on my relationship with my husband. There is nothing more humbling than heading off to a marriage counselor and finding out that I barely knew myself. The marriage counseling rapidly turned to me counseling. False image after false image was shattered in KavinCoaches counseling office. The illusion that I had a great childhood crashed to the floor. The belief that the black outs were just glitches in my memory. I had no idea another personality was taking over. Finding out that I functioned as a committee of five totally rocked my world. Change upon change happened to me. When I think of beginning again, I don't consider it like the other changes. To begin again, to me, means that I am making a conscious choice to redirect my life. I did not wake up one morning and suddenly decide my life would be different. It was more like changing the direction of an aircraft carrier. Changing directions and making it a permanent change took a lot of work and for me often painful recognition of how I conducted myself. Change happens everyday....like it or not. However, New Beginnings occur when I put in the effort to decide how I want to change myself. To go from being buffeted by life to embracing who I am and how I want to become a better me. Integration turns your whole way of approaching life inside out and upside down. The switches controlled my life. Now I am controlling how I respond to life. I am not always good at it but I learn more and more every day. I am thankful for integration giving me a new beginning.
8 comments:
Marvellous to hear you are turning it around. From others I know i have some sense of how hard it is
Thanks Evan, yes it is hard. I have wonderful support from family, counselors, and friends (I include internet friends.)
I love the aircraft carrier analogy. To "guard" my sobriety it has been necessary to fundamentally change who I am and how I relate to others. Progress can be a slow and frustrating but you have given me a great touchstone that will definitely make me more patient with myself as I slowly make the turn.
The quote is from "Buddha's Little Instruction Book" by Jack Cornfield. It's full of bits of wisdom that help us cope with life's challenge.
Thanks for this post Ruth!
Love P/M
Thanks P/M, I appreciate the source of the quote. I am glad the analogy helps you. I think that you experience of changing your life is why I find your blog so helpful to me. You understand totally changing yourself to become more of who you want to be. Your support and encouragement is so appreciated.
Thank you,
Ruth
“Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others”
This is another quote from the Buddha’s Little Instruction Book, which I felt you might like.
I really like your post today. It takes an enormous amount of courage and hard work to make such big changes. I do admire your strength and determination. I have learnt so much from your posts; they have been very healing for me. You are a good teacher Ruth. Thank you.
Molly
"Changing directions and making it a permanent change took a lot of work and for me often painful recognition of how I conducted myself. Change happens everyday....like it or not."
You said that perfectly, Ruth!
I really believe that people who end up becoming narcissistic jerks-of-all-sorts, have 'chosen' their way each and every day. Change takes place in the little moments, the small decisions, the things we do that are unremarkable.
Maybe we have a huge insight and suddenly the world becomes clearer but that is the easy part. The hard part is accepting the "painful recognition of how [we] conducted [ourselves.]" From there, we move incrementally slowly towards integration of our values, our beliefs with our behavior.
I think it's a much slower process than people want to know. I only know that from hindsight. Had someone told me in 1989 that it would take more than twenty years for me to change behaviors I did not even know were destructive (lol), I'd never have believed it. OR maybe, I'd have balked at the enormity of the process!
I can be a very slow learner. Thorough, but slow. ha!
Thank you for a very lovely post to read this morning.
Hugs,
CZ
Thank you Molly,
I appreciate you sharing these quotes. Thank you for your kind words.
Have a great day,
Ruth
Thanks CZ, I admire your blog. I like how you point out that people choose not to change on a regular basis. I like your statement "Thorough, but slow." It gets me where I want to be, too.
Take care,
Ruth
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