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| Bowed but Not Broken |
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Battle Plans
Interesting session tonight with NewCounselor. We are working out a battle plan. PTSD is extremely difficult because the enemy moved inside my head. I had cancer and they cut out the malignant part. I cut out my memories for years, almost. The almost is the kicker. Strange behaviors occurred and with no memory, I couldn't understand my own strange behavior. I read about children being adopted from third world countries hiding food in their closet. I went to my own closet and stared at my private stash of food. Why was I hiding food like a third world survivor? I totally discounted the people in the TV show Fear Factor. There is no fear in knowing you will live to see tomorrow. Have the contestants take off their safety belts then do that stunt. My children were appalled..."They might die." My answer, "That's fear." Blips...reactions....nightmares partially revealing mostly concealing memories I don't remember. I am fighting back. First counselor, KavinCoach, spent years working with me to integrate. Multiple personalities is not PTSD. Multiple personalities was my extreme coping mechanism for PTSD. I integrated but the PTSD is still there. Taunting me...terrorizing me...making me feel like a fool. This week I decided that I want to take back all my life, not just part of it. One of the first things I needed was building up new coping skills. Did that for the past eight years. Next, I have to own wanting to change. My decision. I can call on help from Heavenly Father, family, friends, therapists...but I have to decide that I am fighting this battle. The enemy is dead already. I am the prisoner. I am the one that needs to knock down the walls and take back my life. Easier said then done but first it must be said.
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9 comments:
I am cheering you on, Ruth! Hope I'm yelling loud enough so you can hear me across the miles.
You will not only survive you'll thrive.
Hugs P/M
Hearing loud and clear. Thanks, P/M.
In order to form a plan, you have to know what the objective is, and if you can't even figure out what you're up against, then how can you form a plan to battle it? Congratulations on stating the objective, and forming a plan. You know as well as I do, the plan will need to be retooled and reworked and adjusted as you learn, but the central goal doesn't change: To Thrive. GO YOU!!
Cheering you on also Ruth. You go. It's a long journey for sure.
I'm still trying to figure out the relationship of having parts and having PTSD.
I am sure you will fight well.
One thing you might not be prepared for - you may know this very well, so feel free to ignore, but others I know dealing with PTSD have been surprised by it - is the need to mourn.
What you have been robbed of in your life. And the rage that is part of mourning.
Sharing this in the spirit of 'forewarned is forearmed' and realising it may be entirely superfluous.
Thanks Laurel, adjustments will occur, I appreciate your encouragement.
Ellen I can hear the cheers, thanks. PTSD and parts a challenge to figure out how the parts help you survive. I have learned that each part a purpose at some time.
Yes, Evan, a time to mourn is part of the process. What I have learned is there is a difference between mourning and depression that stops all other emotions. Mourning has feels more hopeful. Sad but with future happiness in time.
Oh Ruth. For some reason all I can think of is Alma 32 and "if you can no more than desire to believe, let that desire work with in you until you can give a place [for that belief]". That photograph, after that paragraph is literally breath taking. You can do this. One bite at a time.
Thanks Ami.
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