Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Need to vent...

Since when it is a wasted day if you take the time to cuddle with your child?  Since when is mourning a crime that needs to be hurried through?  Why are people so bent on being happy and productive that they throw out those things that add a richness and depth of life that things will never replace. 

In my study of depression, I am encountering a unexpected results by paying attention to the people around me that are accused of being depressed.  Mourning a loved one is becoming unacceptable.  It is not something that you should just "get over" so you can move on to the pseudo happy that everyone is spouting about.  A beloved pet, someone you love, or loss of childhood are all things worth mourning.  Mourning is now being lumped in with depression.  I experienced mourning and it truly feels quite different from depression.  Just because I am sad, doesn't mean I am indulging in a pity party or depressed. 

Too many times I heard that I wasted my day because I spent time cuddling my kids.  I even looked up the research to show that cuddle time is beneficial for infants and children.  My NM crowed about how productive she was by multi-tasking.  This translated to doing a cross word puzzle when people came to visit.  Telling us to stop interfering so that she could work...after all she was the most productive worker in the house.  She took great pride in marking things off her list...cuddle time was not productive so not on the list.  Nurturing does not always show as a physical end product but makes all the difference in a relationship.  

Happy and productive at the expense of mourning and cuddling throws out the best and keeps second best.  Sadder still are those that rewrite history so nothing ever bad happened even if they have to lie about.  They blindly believe they are showing the world how happy and productive they are at the expense of integrity and authentic living.  My life sucks some times.  Ironically, I learned some of the greatest lessons in the low valleys.  Overcoming those challenges brought me to the dizzying heights of joy.

I am enjoying cuddling grandkids because it really is one of the best ways to spend a day.

I am mourning with those that mourn for I learned that this strengthens a relationship and brings a depth of feeling that I never felt when I was just happy.

Vent done.... I will now get off my soap box.   


mulderfan said...

I helped my cousins clean out my darling uncle's house after he was killed in an accident. My parents told me I would never have to do that for them as they had arranged for their house to be sealed and the contents auctioned. If I wanted any keepsakes I'd have to attend the auction and bid on them like anyone else.

I explained that clearing out my uncle's house had given my cousins and I some closure, was part of the grieving process and the final thing I could do for my uncle. I begged them to leave me the contents of their house and deduct it from my share of the estate. This is often held up as an example of how crazy I am!

BTW While cleaning out the house I got a keepsake for each of my parents, as my uncle was predeceased by his wife who was my NM's sister. Since both brothers were avid golfers, for NF, I got my uncle's putter. For my trouble, I was rewarded with one of NF's rages. Apparently I should have known no golfer would use another golfer's putter (which NF subsequently did) and I had deliberately hurt NF by bringing back memories of good times on the golf course!

My aunt had held on to her mother's umbrella and I gave it to my NM which, NF said was stupid because it was so old! NM didn't bother to tell him she had asked me to get the umbrella! The umbrella and putter have since been tossed.

No worries now, because my NPs got rid of almost everything when they sold their house and even more just lately when they moved to a retirement home. Things I might treasure have simply disappeared into the dumpster or were sent to an auction. The most hurtful was an oil portrait I painted of my younger brother when I was just thirteen years old.

My NM puts on a show for outsiders but in private neither of my NPs seem to mourn the loss of anyone not even my older brother. They constantly speak ill of the dead and seem lack the capacity to recall any good times.

I pity them!

Hugs P/M

Ellen said...

I like your vent Ruth. Mourning with those that mourn is a great thing to do I think, and cuddling also. Grief and sadness are a part of life.

One thing I find very jarring about corporate life for instance is the insistence that everyone must be happy and feeling fantastic all of the time. The standard greeting is - how are you? In a booming cheerful voice. Then - Great, how are you? the expected mandatory answer. So fake. Give me a break. There, a mini rant from me to match yours. :-)

Ruth said...

You are right P/M it is their loss. My NM is doing the same thing. Getting rid of everything. She did give me back all the gifts I gave her. But I can't give my dad any gift with out her giving it away with in the year. I solved it by giving him pictures or going to events. Shutting out grief creates such a shallow life. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Great mini rant Ellen.

Claire said...

So true. Yesterday was especially draining for me. I felt tempted to dismiss my own exhaustion at the end of the day because I hadn't "gotten anything done" - but the truth was, I was so exhausted because I did some really hard, intense emotional work with my three children, all of whom seem to have more needs this week than most weeks. So while my body didn't run around a lot and my professional work didn't get done, I did, in fact, accomplish a lot of very important work.

We all need to recognize the work we do. Thanks for the reminder.

Ruth said...

Your welcome Claire, child care takes a lot my energy. Hugs to you for choosing to spend time with your children.

Laurel Hawkes said...

Face/palm... wow... NM complains about not being hugged... you reap what you sow... in spades.

Ruth said...

Amen Laurel. :)

Evan said...

Well said

Ruth said...

Thanks Evan.