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I love this quote.
Counseling challenges every aspect of my belief system. Just when I think I have found my stride, things get changed up and a new challenge presented. I want so much to be finished but just about the time I see the light at the end of the tunnel the darkness from my past grabs me by the ankle to drag me back down. I slide back for awhile then gather strength to fight forward again. Yesterday was recovery from sharing a little of my past with NewCounselor. I thought I was prepared and on solid ground to face my demons. Two sleepless nights and a migraine later I am not feeling quite so confident. I don't want to get in a new rut and stay in the same place. I need to keep moving. Something from my past seems to be holding me back. I hoped that looking back and addressing my demons I could loosen their hold. So far, it is not going according to plan. I work at a school so have a week off for spring break. I need to gather strength, recharge my batteries, and be ready to go again after the break. It is just so hard to remember how really messed up my childhood was. The image that came to mind was finding a reeking toxic 55 gallon drum in the basement of your house. During counseling I have taken one cup at a time out of the barrel and taken it out of my house. The idea was to empty the barrel. Looking back at the work I have done reminds me of too much hurt. Too much that I did. Just too much. The greatest gift from my Heavenly Father was to forget for so long. I raised a family and did a lot of other things I probably would not have done if I remembered any sooner. Now, I am at a new place in my life. I worked for over 8 years in counseling to reclaim my memories and my mind. I have met the enemy and they is us.
4 comments:
I'm reminded of when one of my dogs tripped me on a walk and I dislocated my knee cap. Ouch!
I started off only being able to walk to the next door neighbour's driveway. Each week or so I added a driveway. Even though there were some days when I couldn't walk at all, I eventually walked around the block!
By the time I was finished taking "baby steps" I could walk to the mall and back, a distance of almost three miles!
Ruth, never give up and never forget what you can accomplish with "baby steps"! There will be days when you only take out a tablespoon and days when you take out a gallon, but you will get there!
Hugs P/M
Have you considered that when Jesus' admonishes us to love our enemies, He meant it for such a moment as this? They're only memories, bits of fluff. The actual events are long over. They can't be changed. You ARE changing you. You will never do those things again, so why are you beating yourself up, now? The point is? Entertaining the adversary? How he must chuckle with glee when we allow him to hold us firmly in the past. Accept it happened. It's over, and yes you learned some habits you don't like, but you are working to change those habits. Why are you expecting perfection of yourself? I don't remember there being an expiration date stamped anywhere, except the permanent one. So if you're still here, then you haven't reached your expiration date. This is your life. Who dictated how it was supposed to go, and you somehow didn't measure up? I don't remember seeing a script anywhere with your name on it saying that everything had to be perfect by 12 March 2012. Are you going to dictate to God how the script should go, in your estimation, or are you going to turn the script over to God, and let Him guide you through it?
Hi Ruth,
I'm sorry therapy has been harder lately. I'm glad you have a week off to find your balance again. Thinking of you.
Rin
PS. I also really like the quote.
Thank you P/M, I appreciate your perspective on tablespoons and gallons. I appreciate your encouragement.
Hi Laurel, your questions have me thinking. I like the first question. New perspective on a familiar scripture. I'll try to answer some of them in tonight's post. Thank you for taking time to post great questions.
Thanks Rin. I am glad you like the quote.
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