Not belonging

Nine years ago I had a mega melt down in my life.  Nothing was going how I expected.  I was unhappy and confused.  My kids were growing up and moving out.  We had them close together so moving out was also close together.  I was less of a mom in my own mind.  My place that I felt like I belonged seemed to be eroding away.  I believed strongly that my job as a Mom was to launch my children into their own lives.  I did not want to cling to my children to hang on to my self definition.  Decided I needed to work on my marriage.  Tried a Marriage class and I felt like I didn't belong.  Discussions on things like boundaries, communicating, and give-n-take seemed like foreign subjects.  I felt totally lost.  Round two, asked a friend for the names of some marriage counselors, ones that could teach my how to communicate.  I figured if I could communicate I could muddle through the rest.  You know...going to marriage counseling from my own self diagnosis of what I thought was wrong was one of the best things I did for myself.  However, I was in for a rude awakening.  Within six months of counseling, I felt like I had been ejected from the human family.  I didn't work as one person.  I functioned as 3 with a side kick.  Later I found out there were 2 side kicks.  (Side kicks are alters that don't play a major role in day to day functioning but are very important.)  I did not know one other person that was a multiple.  I was warned by my counselor not to share what I learned about myself.  I found out harshly why.  I told someone that I was in counseling.  She answered, "Oh, you'll be fine, at least you are not one of those weird multiples."  I was devastated.  With all my training not to show emotion I replied, "Actually, I am."  The woman never stepped foot in my house again.  I felt like a great big "You Don't Belong" got stamped right on my fore head.  Fortunately, I had an awesome counselor that reassured me that I did belong in the human race I just needed a complete new foundation.  I studied Multiple Personality Disorder, DID, and all the other versions of names that existed.  I gained a deep appreciation for the gift of multiple personalities...I survived in a situation that others did not.  About this time Fear Factor came out on TV.  My kids tried to get me to watch it.  I shrugged my shoulders over the show.  My kids were surprised, "Wouldn't riding on top of a bus scare you?"  Me: "Take the harness off then I would be scared." My kids: "But mom, they might die."  Yea, that would be scary. 

I worked 5 long years to integrate.  Finally it happened, the magical thing I worked so hard to accomplish.  I still didn't feel like I belonged.  I was so disappointed.  It just wasn't the cure all I thought it would be.  What it did do for me was to stop the blackouts of not knowing what I was doing.  I no longer felt like someone invaded my body to make me do things I didn't want to do.  I recognized all the clothes in my closet.  Yup, some days I would walk into my closet and wondered why someone gave me a bunch of clothes and where were my clothes?  However, I still didn't feel like I belonged.  This is when I started to learn that feeling like you don't belong is a fairly universal feeling.  It is why clicks are formed to create a place where you feel like you belonged.  I noticed as a computer tech my coworkers and I used a language that no one else understood.  I learned that vocabulary was a way to include or exclude someone from a group.  How a person dressed was another signal.  I loved the introductions I received from the professors..."This is Ruth, she's are computer tech, she doesn't look like one."  Belonging was something we seem to create for ourselves.

I wondered what it would be like to have a group where I belonged, a club for multiples.  But could I still be a member after integrating?  And what would we call it?  Me. Me. Me.  How about a slogan?  Multiples Unite but would that be fair to those that choose not to integrate?  Dues could be interesting.  Could each of the parts or alters have their own membership or would the dues be per body?  Would it be fair with a person with a hundred personalities paying the same as me with only 5?  I learned rapidly that as far as being a multiple I really wasn't split into that many pieces.  Did numbers make a difference? How about name badges?  Could we switch name badges part way through if we switched while attending?  Or would we have one big badge with all the different names?  Or what happens when another one reveals themselves?  Yup, several years into counseling, Sammy finally let me know that he existed.  I found out that there really is  club in New York.  I finally did have the privilege of meeting someone else that functioned as a multiple.  Then I started this blog and met others online.  My admiration grows with each person I meet.  I am astounded by the richness and variety of wonderful people I am getting to know.  I learned that I belong to a wonderful group of people that used a special way to survive.  For some, it is still working for them.  For others, like me, it was interfering with living.  I've been on both sides now.  I belong to a wonderful group called survivors and that group is very large and very awesome.  Thanks to the many blogs I read and people out there sharing their story and reminding me everyday I belong to an awesome group of people that faced tough problems and survived them.  I really do belong now.