I'm Mean Now...

Few people would be proud to declare, "I'm mean, now."  upsi posted another awesome article this time on the negative impact of the "Peace at all cost" living.  http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2012/03/price.html

Please feel free to take your time over there and read what my comments are based on.

When I finished the article, I felt sick.  This had been me.  I did this.  UGH!!!!!!

Growing up in a home of an engulfing narcissistic mother and "Peace at all cost" father I became the designated caretaker and next in line "Peace at all cost" apprentice.  I felt strongly about trying to do what Jesus did.  Turn the other cheek.  Go the extra mile.  Whatever it takes to keep mother calm and my younger brother and sister safe.  I took my training with me when I got married.  The self-help books I read reinforced this unhealthy living.  KavinCoach showed me in the "Mirror of Reality" how destructive this behavior was for my husband and children.  No boundaries, doormats are not a good example on how to live.  I even made jokes about being a chameleon that could change to please anyone.  KavinCoach clarified it was no joke and not funny. 

How can you identify if you are a "Peace at all cost" kind of person?
The fastest way to know is ask yourself the question, "What do I want?"  Yup, that is the first question.  If you have lived as a "Peace at all cost" person for any length of time, the first thing you have to give up is your own wants and desires.  Next, do you justify someone else's poor behavior?  Do you make excuses for them like, "Oh they didn't realize they were hurting you" or "they had a tough childhood"?  You start lying for them.  There goes your integrity.  Your self esteem is nonexistent.  Boundaries, I'm supposed to have boundaries?  Really. How do I know these things?  Because I did them.

How did I change?
Truth...living authentically...there is no room for "Peace at all cost" if Integrity takes center stage.  It is not possible to do both.  I stopped lying first to myself and then to those around me.  I also set boundaries.  This is where being called mean comes in.  When the doormat gets up off the floor, those stomping on it try to push it back down.  The epitaph, "You're MEAN" is thrown out to put the doormat back in their place.  If there is a Christian background, the next trump card is "You are not being very Christ like."  Narcissistics like the status quo.  They like their wishes and whims met.  They did not want me to change.  I am still in the process of changing.

What are some possible defenses to the attacks?
"You're mean"  -  Agree with the person accusing you.  Nothing stops this attack faster.  They can't continue to argue if you agree with them.  The way I approached it, "I can see why you think I am mean because I am not doing what you want."  Validating their opinion does not indicate a change in behavior.  I just agree that from their perspective, I am being mean.  I learned it was ok for them to have that opinion.  It does not change my opinion of me or my decision about not doing what they want me to do.   

"You are not being very Christ like" was a lot tougher to figure out an answer that I felt good about.  The person using this attack usually knows that I have a strong faith in Christ and is using my faith to manipulate me.  Now, I have a few answers to draw from depending on the situation.
1. "You are right, I am not being Christ like.  Christ used a whip to drive out those that disrespected His Father's house.  You are disrespecting me but I am just asking you to leave.  I don't think I need to use a whip on you."
2. "Christ said to go the second mile.  I have already gone 10.  You are right I am not being Christ like, I should have stopped helping you quite some time ago."
3.  Christ was very secure and knowing who he was and what he expected others to do.  We were to follow Him, not someone else.
4.  Christ spent time alone.  He took care of his own need for times of solitude.
5.  Sometimes he made people wait for him.  His parents went back to the temple looking for him when he was about his Father's business.  Or Martha and Mary were distraught because Christ did not immediately respond when Lazarus died.
6. The strongest argument about this question is "Love thy neighbor, as thy self."  Too often those using this form of manipulation stop at the comma.  Love thy neighbor is only part of what Christ expects us to do.  Love thy self is the other part that narcissistics tend to forget. The more I love myself, the less likely I am to allow myself to be used or abused by others.  I don't deserve their treatment.

On occasion I may choose to change mind, but it will because I choose it and not because I am trying to keep the "Peace at all cost."  When you start down the road of "Peace at all cost," it will cost you everything.  Saying no is not being mean.  Sometimes no is a kindness to yourself and them.  Sometimes I base my decision on meeting my own needs.  Like the day they told me at work I was going to start working in another area the following week.  I wanted to stay employed so I made the change.  It turned out to be a great challenge and in the long run is good for me.  Each situation is different.  I am learning as I go.  I learned that as I value myself, I can better meet my own needs without being swayed by the "You're mean."