Tuesday, March 6, 2012

My Reality Check Bounced

Counseling one huge learning experience.  Like any education, there is theory then there is reality.  Last week part of the battle plan was to set aside what I am working on in counseling during the week.  Great idea in theory.  Not so good in practical application.  Crumbs.

One of the parts of counseling is telling your story.  Sharing your perspective.  Spilling your guts.  Epic fail when in the first 6 months of counseling my counselor knew more about my past then I did.  He recognized my symptoms and the most likely things that caused how I behaved.  I worked long and hard but most of my past is still illusive to me.  I enjoy watching Unforgettable about a woman that remembers everything.  My memories are strands of a spider web, thin, nearly invisible, and I easily get tangled in them without realizing I am in a mess until too late.  Need to rethink the battle plan.  Make adjustments.  Stalking my own mind to find the point where I break through and untangle my past.  My first choice would be to leave it strictly alone.  Let it smolder and grump but not mess with it.  Unfortunately, it keeps erupting and interfering with now.  Ignoring it does not improve it.  Screaming at it does not improve it.  Deep breath.  One step forward, ten back.  Redirect.  Rethink.  Twisted thinking takes a long time to straighten out. 


Evan said...

It sure does. It seems to me you've come a huge way with it.

mulderfan said...

I'm the opposite. I remember it all, in detail, after about age five. Before that just one episode of my NF screaming at someone who was hurting me. I see myself, I see NF but no matter how hard I try I can't see the third party or remember what they did.

A memory like mine can be a bit of a curse too. I used to spend far too much time in my head reliving the past, good and bad. These days I can control the flashbacks a bit more but now and then they are triggered or they come back in my dreams.

Lately, I am torturing myself with my dog's last few days. What did I miss? Could I have helped him sooner? I close my eyes and remember how he smelled and felt as I held him while he was dying. Almost every night I dream that he was just lost and finds his way back home.

I don't know what to say Ruth, because I know you NEED to remember. In my experience, being like the detective in Unforgettable can be bit of a nightmare too, especially when you're constantly dealing with revisionists(liars?) like my NFOO!

Ruth said...

Thanks Evan.

Hugs P/M. You love your dogs so much. I suspect that part of grieving is going through your mind to see if you could have changed the out come. Though we are thousands of miles a part, living in different countries you so understand. Thank you for your encouragement.

Laurel Hawkes said...

Sigh... I've just eaten my way through more food in an hour than I usually eat in a day. You know what I would say if we were talking face to face. Sigh. Starting over, tomorrow. There's a reason I don't like labyrinths. You've described one very well. Great if you know the tricks, and horrendous if you don't.

Ruth said...

Stress eating really messes with healthy eating. You will do better tomorrow and I have another session tomorrow. Not looking forward to this one.