“Changing your mind about anything is work. The realization that you CAN change your mind, and therefore your life, is the start.”―Terri Cole
****Warning some content will be triggering for some people. ****
Counseling = Change is not a guaranteed formula but I may as well quit counseling if I have no desire to change. I started counseling over 8 years ago because I didn't like the way my life was going. My plan was for a summer project and then go on my merry way. I did have the advantage going in believing that changing how I thought changes my life. I believed that the only person I could change was myself. I also thought idealistically that counselors some how fix people. Disillusionment occurred quickly. I was informed that there was no use continuing counseling if I dodged and weaved around tough questions. In order to change, I needed to listen and accept a new plan for my way of living. Setting boundaries was one of the more difficult challenges. Years earlier I created boundaries on the inside of me since all boundaries on the outside of me were demolished. Sexual abuse doesn't even allow a child to set their own skin as a boundary. Creating boundaries on the inside by splitting off personalities confused me even further since each personality wanted something different. With integration, I could choose what I wanted. However, from a young age, I was conditioned to want nothing. Wanting something became a way to be manipulated than blamed for being molested. Crazy topsy turvy living where the victim is blamed. In recent years, some improvement has occurred but for the most part sexual abuse victims are blamed for what happened in their lives. Changing my belief in myself that I was not to blame at age 5 for what happened to me but later as it continued there was already a pattern of abuse established. I can change those patterns of thinking. I am realizing that at the most basic level of how I think about myself still needs to change more. Integration was a massive change but now the more basic work needs to be completed. I need to see myself as a person of worth not just a being to be used.
4 comments:
Ruth,
This is such a powerful post; thank you so much for putting it out there. I love to read about your progress and I feel honored to be part of your journey. You my dear, are worth so much, so infinitely much, just for being you. Strong you, willing you, surving and thriving you!
Love,
Vanci
Hi Ruth
I feel it’s important to remember the abuse was NOT your fault in anyway shape or form. I can understand you not wanting to let little Ruth go. Maybe it’s because you feel the need to look after her still.
I'm sending you healing thoughts
Love Molly
Thank you Vanci, reading your blog helped me feel better having the importance of change reinforced.
You are right Molly. It is important for me to remember that it was not my fault. Conditioning is hard to over come but not impossible. Thank you.
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