Belonging...Long time battle

I am tip-toeing through my past when mulderfan mentioned that not feeling like you belong is like high school.  The dreaded clicks where everyone rebelled to do their own thing looked just like everyone else rebelling and doing their own thing.  When I was in high school, which is more years than I want to consider, I was part of 2 clubs that supported sports.  (Ancient history: girls weren't allowed to participate in things like track and cross country, so I joined the clubs to cheer on my bothers.)  The clubs my freshman year were small and so we wanted any members we could get.  Later with a winning team it was popular to join.  The group was getting really big when I was a Senior.  There started to be talk of limiting membership.  They wanted to pick and choose who could be in or left out.  I totally rebelled against that.  Fortunately I was the president of both clubs and could do something about it.  All were included, all were welcomed.  Apparently, I never got over the "Tick tock the game is locked, nobody else can play...If they do we'll take their shoe and keep it for a year or two."  I did it myself.  But then I was on the outside a few too many times.  Being locked out, not belonging, designated different are painful.  When I could set the rules...I did.  Everybody played.  I found out later that after I graduated they did lock down the clubs, trying to make them exclusive.  A few years later, blessedly girls could play the sports instead of sitting on the sidelines and the clubs vanished all together. 

Judy mentioned another good point...sometimes it is not a club you want to be a member of.  The clicks that seemed to require their members to be drunk every weekend never interested me.  In high school, I also had the experience of having my friends harass me about my religion.  One of my close friends got in on the baiting.  I asked her why she did it.  "Well, you get so serious."  Christ was my anchor and I was very serious about it.  From my experience and observing others, abuse victims tend to take two different avenues, one involves a hand basket and a road to hell.  The other that people tend to over look is the ones that try to 'good' themselves out of their mess.  If I am just good enough....Straight A student, involved in service and religion, super straight arrows....doing everything they can to prove their abuser wrong.  Abusers turn their victims into objects, worthless trash, to justify their own behavior.  Victims sometimes go to dizzying efforts to prove they are somebody.  Nobody wants to be a victim.  Fighting not to be in the victim club is a crazy battle that the news has reported to what extremes people will go to prove they are not a victim.  I was thrust in to the victim life early.  I realize that I spent a good share of my life getting myself out of that club.  I graduated to survivor and looking at joining thriving.