4 out of 10 Irrational ideas

http://www.intropsych.com/ch13_therapies/ten_irrational_ideas.html

This webpage has some great information but I found due to the background it was difficult to read.  Words behind the words is very distracting for me....however, I am not critiquing the web page.  The content is interesting review of some of the things KavinCoach and MyCounselor taught me.  (MyCounselor is no longer my counselor....maybe a name change is needed.) The Italics are from the web page and my thoughts are written after each one.  I realized that it is much easier for me to see these ideas when someone else is using them.  Much harder when my counselors pointed out I lived by many of these.  Facing irrational ideas is a major component of many counseling sessions. 

Irrational Idea #1 the "idea that you must—yes, must—have love or approval from all the people you find significant."
Mother's Day celebrates loving mothers unfortunately not every person has a loving mother. Or Father's Day some people never knew their fathers or do not have loving relationships.  Parents loving children seems to be an unwritten rule that they love their children.  Tragedy strikes for many when their parents won't or can't love them.  The corollary to this is the irrational idea that 'if your parents don't love you than you can never be successful/happy/thriving in life.' Same with lovers, spouse, and other significant people.  The list of suicides noted that they felt unloved is sad.  People pleasing is the illness that springs from this irrational idea.  If I just do enough or change enough or be enough for this other person than they must love me.  A rational way to reword this, "I enjoy having those important to me approve and love me but I can live with their opinion and find other significant people that love me for who I am." 


Irrational Idea #2 is "I must not fail" or, as Ellis and Harper put it, the idea that you must prove thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving.
This irrational idea really puts the kibosh on learning.  A toddler is expected to fall numerous times before learning to walk.  Adults still fall down too.  The idea that 99%, second place, and less than perfect is failure is destructive corollary to this idea. Side note to this, is often when someone feels they 'must not fail' they are trying to live up to someone else's standards. Judy shared with me some wonderful articles on pushing to fail point on purpose....you don't know how far you can go until you push past fail point.  Mistakes, failure, corrections, review are all part of a learning process that everyone experiences. Failure is a natural part of life, trying to avoid it requires a person to stop living.  Rephrase this, "If I fail, I can evaluate what I am doing and try something else.  Or it may be something I don't actually want to do." 

Irrational Idea #3 is damning. Harper and Ellis describe this as the idea that when people act obnoxiously and unfairly, you should blame and damn them, and see them as bad, wicked, or rotten individuals. Some people apply this to themselves, giving themselves up as hopeless. Others turn the blame on someone else. Either way, it is not very constructive.

It is easier to see the shortcomings of others, more comfortable to blame, condemn and put down someone else.  At its worse this is the basis of prejudice.  The cool thing my counselors did for me was to focus on my behavior.  They taught me to put up my boundaries.  I think the Mote and the beam parable in the New Testament is a good description. Matthew 7:3-5

 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

Rephrase, 'people make mistakes and poor choices, however I am responsible for my own behavior.  I am the only person I can change.'

Irrational idea #4 is awfulizing: the idea that you have to view things as awful, terrible, and horrible when things go wrong.

Another way to phrase this is "Making mountains out of  mole hills."  Really easy to slip into this one.  When things start to go wrong more and more seems to pile on.  Sayings like, "Bad things happen in threes,"  "No good deed goes unpunished" add to the doom and gloom point of view.  As the article mentions, "I can't stand it" is a common phrase in every counselor office.  To counteract this one of my favorite quotes, "I survived 100% of my bad days."  Years ago when my children were small I came across a book called, "It could always be worse."  I actually found 3 different versions.  It really helped me to recognize that sometimes things aren't as bad as I thought. I found a copy here:

 https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=464644233600414&id=125862557478585

I am learning to say, "Things are bad, with help from my friends or family, I'll figure things out."

There are several more that I will put in my next post.  I try not to make these too long.  There is always tomorrow to add a bit more.