I can imagine this has all been very difficult. I'm glad to hear you've regrouped and reset those boundaries.
I struggle with boundaries too. Would you be willing to share any more examples of boundaries you have with your parents (or anyone)? It would help me to be more concrete in my definitions too.
This is Jessie's comment and request for more information. I have now read 2 books on boundaries specifically and numerous counseling sessions because setting boundaries is one of the basic principles of living. A search of my webpage will give you many posts I have on boundaries. It is one of the key words that I use for labeling posts. If I include information on boundaries I try to list it under labels. Questions on boundaries led me into counseling in the first place.
From an earlier post I wrote:
"I appreciated MyCounselor emphasizing that setting and maintaining boundaries is not usually necessary with healthy people since with a healthy person you express a need and they will respect it. Unhealthy people need boundaries set to help establish how your needs will be met and the consequences that go with the boundaries."
Boundaries need to come with warning labels.....when setting boundaries the person setting boundaries will be called mean, unkind, unreasonable and any other name trying to bully them into not using them.
Basically a boundary is any rule stated as part of a continuing relationship. One that I used for years, I don't call anyone after 9 PM unless it is an emergency. For my parents, I started setting boundaries when I finally understood that they do NOT have my best interest at heart. In fact, my needs or interest never make it on their radar. One of the boundaries I set and maintained for several years - Never be alone with mother. These last 2 weeks since my Dad's surgery I dropped that boundary. Mistake. I was brutally reminded how she waits until she is alone with me to fly into rages and then turn around begging for me to take care of her. With others around, none of this happens. KavinCoach explained that from my description of our relationship my mother sees me as an extension of herself. I am not a separate person. The most basic boundary set is my mother may not hug me without my permission. She has to ask. I felt great pity for her as she stressed over my father's surgery. I allowed that boundary to fall and all the rest went with it. He is improving, she demonstrated that she is just as clingy and critical as ever, no point allowing myself to be used as an emotional punching bag. I backed off. I am not hugging her. I am not touching her. I speak to her politely. I am now putting back in place never being alone with her. Yesterday, I attempted to help her with the laundry and she made a big deal about it being her job to do this. She set the boundary that I was not to help her with what she felt she should do. I backed off and honored her choice. Boundary setting to me is establishing basic rules in how to function in a relationship.
The most basic boundary is skin. Deciding who may or may not touch you is a basic boundary that toddlers can learn. A boundary without a consequence is fairly useless. If my mother attempts to hug me without my permission I step back out of reach. Most of the time I keep furniture or other people between me and my mother. I don't walk within 3 feet of her when I am leaving. I don't usually have to worry too much when I arrive or my father is not in the room. Her hugs are not quick jesters of affection. They range from power struggles to 'see I am a loving mother' to 'I am doing this because someone is watching' however in my opinion a hug from my mother is rarely about me. If I want to protect me, I don't allow my mother to hug me. Consequence of her not complying is coming to their house less often, putting greater distance by stepping back and on occasion a verbal reprimand to not touch me. If it gets to the verbal stage I am guaranteed remarks like, "Oh, yes my daughters don't like to be touched." It becomes my short coming and not her passive/aggressive or clingy invading of my space. I accept that is part of her retaliation for not allowing her to touch me when she feels like it.
Jessie, I hope this answers your question. If you would like more specific information you can send me an email at weareonebyruth at gmail dot com. I do recommend either book plus there are many, many articles and my earlier posts about boundaries.
Books on Boundaries:
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
http://store.cloudtownsend.com/boundaries-softcover-book.html
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self by Charles Whitfield
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Relationships-Knowing-Protecting-Enjoying/dp/155874259X/
This is a link to one of my earlier blogs discussing these books when I first started reading them:
http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2011/05/boundaries.html
Since this time I revisit boundaries over and over and over again.
2 comments:
Thank you, Ruth. I've done a lot of research on boundaries, but (and this may seem silly), having concrete of what boundaries other's have enacted really helps. I think, due to the fact that I have been called mean, unreasonable (and the other things you mentioned), I often struggle with having confidence that I am, in fact, being reasonable in my boundaries. And your examples and discussion was very helpful in that way.
I also don't allow my mother to hug me (although I've never said it outright) and I try not to be alone with her much.
Thanks again, Ruth. I appreciate you taking the time to write this post when you have so many other things going on.
Concrete examples do help when trying to figure out abstract concepts. Boundaries around a yard are easy when we see a fence or the edge of the side walk....relationships not so easy to see.
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