Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Boundaries

I worked hard to put healthy boundaries in place.  Unfortunately, when my Dad went in for a pacemaker, I dropped my boundaries in favor of trying to meet the needs of my parents.  Big Mistake.  Much of what I have suffered these last 2 weeks is because I let my boundaries fall.  What is the use of a boundary if I drop it during high stress times.  I am putting my boundaries back in place. Boundaries are my protection from those that do not take my needs into consideration.  Boundaries show where another person ends and I began.  It was my lack of boundaries that got me into counseling in the first place.  I wanted to know what they were.  Curiously, DH and I taught our kids boundaries but I didn't understand what they were or how to use them.  KavinCoach was fascinated by my ability to teach something that I myself didn't understand.  He asked my how I did this.  I explained, "What every my mother did, I did the opposite."  My mother did not allow me to have boundaries or hold down a job or encourage me to discover myself.  She had her agenda for me and by damn I better follow her suggestion.  I am choosing to put as much distance between my mother and I as possible.  To add another dimension to this, today my father lectured me on being gentler with my mother.  Yup, I yelled at her several times.  I was tired and frustrated with her trying to manipulate me.  I was told to back off by the person my mother put at risk for his life because of her shenanigans.  It was the same as when I was a teenager.  My mother behaved unreasonably, I call her on her behavior, she dramatically melts into this sniveling mass of emotion, and I'm the bad guy. REALLY.  Back to no alone time with mother.  I loss sleep, weight, and peace of mind over all this mess and my parents behavior.  I am stepping back and away from them as much as I can.  The main boundary I am putting back is: "Never be alone with my mother."  I am adding my father to that list.  Tomorrow is another day.  Breathe...Breathing is good. 



7 comments:

Judy said...

You are doing great. Really. ((Ruth))

Ruth said...

Thanks ((Judy))

Tundra Woman said...

Ruth, It sounds like you've had success with this Boundary in the past so it's a matter of doing what you're doing now, re-instituting it: "Never be alone with EITHER of them."
I was not at all successful in using Boundaries with my CB "mother." She viewed them as Targets of Opportunity regardless of how I implemented them. She *had* to show me I had absolutely NO rights whatsoever under ANY circumstances *even as an ADULT.* It truly became a sadistic game with her. Initially I lacked confidence and thought, "I must be doing something wrong...otherwise this would be working." (IMO, that's a classic AC "Thought Default" especially with Boundaries.) No matter what consequences I imposed, her response/the backlash was epically out of proportion to the Boundary/Consequence. Eventually, I found one that "worked"-but only temporarily and pushed her Scorched Earth War against me underground until she detonated her (next) IED. That Consequence involved the police. The laws that are in place now re: Stalking etc. were not available then and she had virtually unlimited financial resources-which could purchase virtually unlimited "services."
There were a few "positives" (if you can call them that) that came out of involving Law Enforcement: I was forced to confront my intense dislike/fear of Public Scenes. I saw very clearly my CB "mother" was engaging in a *completely* faux acting job when she threw her last hissy fit in my presence-screaming, crying, yelling, running around my residence with a coin she pulled out of her handbag scratching it all over my windows on a beautiful, warm, windows-up morning in my quiet residential neighborhood after she ambushed me at my home and I refused to engage with her or allow her in. As soon as I yanked open the drapes and yelled to her with the phone in my hand, "I'm calling the police NOW" and started dialing, it was as if a Director on a movie set had yelled "CUT!" INSTANTLY, in mid-scream, she shut up, turned around, went to her vehicle and left before the police arrived. The police were not successful at locating her as they arrived about 15 min. later. I absolutely would have had her arrested although at that time, the charges would have resulted in an Appearance ticket, similar to a Littering ticket in severity.
I remember your Post about your "mother" and her smirk after a sneaky, nasty attack on you and your realization at that moment she knew exactly what she was doing, it was Targeted and Intentional. What a lightbulb moment that was, eh?!
I wish you and your sister the very best, Ruth. If you've been successful with Boundaries in the past I do hope you'll be successful now. My only concern is once they find something that "works" to violate the Boundary, they'll work it to death secondary to Intermittent Reinforcement. (I have a story about that too!) Please post occasionally regarding how your Boundaries are working.
Thanks and hope you're catching up on your rest.
TW

jessie said...

I can imagine this has all been very difficult. I'm glad to hear you've regrouped and reset those boundaries.
I struggle with boundaries too. Would you be willing to share any more examples of boundaries you have with your parents (or anyone)? It would help me to be more concrete in my definitions too.
Hang in there! Thinking of you. Hugs

Cassandra said...

"Boundaries are my protection from those that do not take my needs into consideration." Exactly.

(((((Ruth))))) I agree with Judy; you are doing great, from what I can see.

TR said...

(((Ruth))) You are doing great! xx

Ruth said...

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I am doing much better now.