Reclaiming

I am inspired and encouraged by other bloggers.  Over at Broken but Being Repaired, she writes many posts that are very similar to things I experienced.
http://brokebutbeingrepaired.wordpress.com/2014/05/22/reclaiming-our-selfs/

Reclaiming self post acknowledges the truly bizarre way some children are treated by adults.  Geneva Convention bans things that parents and other adults do to children.  Unfortunately, the war zone I grew up in was called 'Home and Neighborhood'.  There are no 'rules' that can be invoked behind closed doors.  Children are terrorized that their whole world will crumble if they don't toe the line and do whatever the adults tell them to do.  'Just-say-no' is ludicrous in the view that my parents brought me into this world and they could take me out.  This is a very real fear for children.  (Bill Cosby joked about it but it struck a cord for me.) 

She write eloquently about being 'allowed' basic human rights like the right to speak.  She says it best:

Now, it is almost a case of re-programming our responses to the triggers that are life that we are trying to do. Learning that it is “allowed” to feel physical pain when wounded, that it is “allowed” to speak, that it is “allowed” to just be, even in moments like right now, when nothing seems real except the internal chaos which is kicking off for writing this post.

These past 2 weeks I have spoken up and shared my truth.  This week I was told to back off and not share what I feel.  I am not 'allowed' to speak my truth.  It is not comfortable for them.  I was not surprised by the 'little chat', I've heard the same thing since I was a teenager.  The only reason I hadn't heard it repeated for years, I didn't speak about how I felt.  When I was in counseling with KavinCoach, I would talk about sharing how I felt with my parents and he would point to the wall.  The indication being, I could talk to my parents but I would have just as much success talking to a wall.  I realized that I do want to say what I feel, I accept that my parents don't want to hear it, they won't change, but I am not speaking up for their benefit, I am doing so for mine.  I am going to set boundaries out loud to them and share my reasoning because I want it on record that I said how I feel.  The irony is in one of my recent 'discussions' with my parents my mother pointed out that they couldn't respond to us if she doesn't know how we feel.  (She was talking to my sister and I, we are both standing up for our feelings.)  I have this weekend to relax and formulate what I say since I am out of town.  When I return home I plan to share what I decided that works best for me.  I don't expect to change their behavior, however, I am changing mine.  I am taking the triggers in my life and giving them a new ending for me. I am reclaiming my truth and how I feel.