I was reading in the book Forgiveness is a Choice by Robert Enright and I reached the section on accepting pain as a necessary step to forgiveness. I am struggling with this concept for a variety of reasons. The main issue I am having is that some people seem to glory in their pain and wear it like a badge of honor. Everyone must grovel to them because of the great pain they are suffering. They will reassure you repeatedly how much pain they suffer from and expect you to accept whatever behavior they dish out since they are suffering so much pain. Forgiveness is a Choice refers to this type of behavior as transferring the pain. Misery loves company so they spread their pain around to everyone they meet. In trying to counteract this behavior I swung to the opposite side by imploding, burying, or ignoring any pain I felt. As a multiple, I actually distributed the pain to the different parts; sharing pain among ourselves. Most the time I could tell people I felt great, no matter what was going on in my life, then I started counseling.
I started admitting that I was distressed for a variety of reasons. Most sessions I talk about the things that bother me. As time went on, I realized that I experienced a lot of unacknowledged pain. One of my medical doctors said I was depressed and didn't know it. I yelled at him that I would know if I was depressed. He was right. I hadn't a clue how much I was hiding from myself. I started calling KavinCoach's office the torture chamber, not because of anything he did, but because as I talked, I uncovered huge reservoir of pain that waited for me to acknowledge its existence. In a strange way, the pain stayed almost perfectly preserved to feel its full force later, which is now. I suspect that like mold it even multiplied with neglect. I did not resolve anything, just tucked it away.
Forgiveness is a Choice says there are three things you can do with pain. Ignore it with accompanying complications of it staying with you and even multiplying. Transfer it to other people. I think this is where the quote comes from that "hurt people, hurt people." Or the ultimate in the books opinion is to absorb it so it does not pass on to others and processed. All three choices seem to be lacking something in my estimation. So back to the scriptures and talks from church leaders. I choose the topic of "spiritual healing" instead of "forgiveness" which generated a new selection of talks. Problem with searching for spiritual healing is often the speaker talks about repenting from your sins. The pain I felt from my childhood was from the sins and neglect of others. I have made mistakes and I have felt the blessedness of repentance. However, referring to many childhood events my only crime was living in a neighborhood with a man bent on harming others. Why he did it, I think will remain a mystery, until the hereafter. I don't feel a need to understand him. Just like I don't need to know what caused cancer to be healed from it. I don't need to know why he abused me to find healing. In my beliefs, there is one more option not mentioned in Forgiveness is a Choice. Christ died for the sins of all mankind. My sins, as well as, my neighbor's sins. I don't believe a shepherd would allow a lamb to lie bleeding after a wolf had mangled it. I imagine he would bind up the wounds and heal the lamb. He would not blame the lamb for being in the jaws of the wolf. He would not chastise the lamb for not recognizing the danger of the wolf. He would bind up the wounds and heal the lamb bringing the lamb back into His fold. The forth choice is to allow Christ to heal the wounds. But how? The book addresses forgiveness from a perspective of taking out any specific religion. What does this step of forgiveness look like with Him back in the formula? How would accepting the pain from abuse be addressed with the Atonement?
Before I integrated, happiness was a switch away but the pain haunted my dreams turning them into nightmares. Why did I have these bouts of depression and deep sorrow that seemed so bottomless without any memory of why I felt this way? I prayed as a little girl. I prayed as a suicidal teenager. I prayed as a scared young mother. I prayed as an overwhelmed mother of 6 children. Through it all I hurt and found comfort occasionally, so where was Christ during all this time. He was with me when I was a little girl and I don't have to remember the really bad stuff, unless He is with me. He helped me as a teenager to stay off drugs and choose a path that brought me to marriage. He was with me as a young mother and whispered that He knew who I was and loved me. It is nice to love God and even nicer to know He loved me. He taught me line upon line as a mother of 6 teaching me things to teach my children that I didn't comprehend myself. Then the time came for me to learn why I have battled depression for over 45 years, He sent me a counselor that could coach me through some really tough stuff. I experienced the pain that I hid away. I remembered fragments and pieces that made me sick to my stomach but through this all, He has comforted me. He was there when I had cancer and I survived. He was there when I integrated and I survived. Now I have a teacher that not only has me surviving but I am starting to wrap my mind around thriving. I am where I am today because I cast my burdens upon the Savior and His yoke is light. Occasionally, I have told someone the Reader's Digest version of my life and I feel uncomfortable with their praise of how far I have come for I know I did not do this alone. My counselor, my sister, my children, my husband and my Savior all were a part. There are times I feel very alone. I now remind myself that it is only an illusion. I turn my thoughts to Christ and I know I am never truly alone. I am choosing door number 4 - Jesus Christ, my savior and friend.
This still does not explain how to choose Christ. Back to the scriptures and talks where the speakers are talking to large congregations. The list is so familiar, the way to know Christ is to pray, study the scriptures, keep the commandments, be baptized, take the sacrament, share your testimony, listen to the testimony of others, give service, etc. Anyone that has read the scriptures and listened to the speakers will recognize this list. These are things that work generally. Christ knows who I am and knows what works for me. Starting with general studying I move to more specific questions. My relationship with Christ is as unique as I am. What works for me may not work for somebody else. Christ teaches me individually. The more I follow Him the more He teaches me. What works for somebody else may not work for me. I have people in my life that shared their ideas on what works for them and failed miserably for me. Not because their idea is a bad one, but because I am in a very different place then they are. Sometimes suggestions from others do work. Opening new avenues for me to grow. Christ died for all mankind but I feel He saves us one at a time, like the man throwing starfish back into the ocean. From my own experience of having cancer and seeing how cancer blessed my life. It taught me to trust in others and recognize that people around me are cheering for me. I recognized so many blessings from this one experience. I made a gratitude quilt of all the things I was thankful for and ways that centering my life in Christ made a difference. I realize few people would believe that cancer is a gift from a loving Heavenly Father. But it is not about them, it is about me and what works for me. Some days I just feel so tired from the struggle. I watch a sunset filled with amazing colors. A gift from the same loving Heavenly Father. The same loving Heavenly Father sent His son for me to follow. Christ leads me down a path that is uniquely mine built from my circumstances, designed to enhance my gifts, and no doubt to challenge me in ways that no one else would ever expect of me. For in Christ all things are possible.
I think my relationship with Christ is like my experience of integration. Once I understood I was a multiple I decided I wanted to integrate. I had no idea how to get there. I felt like there was this massive chasm I needed to cross without a bridge and no idea how to build a bridge. So I studied where I was at, a multiple living in a single personality world. When integration finally happened, I looked back to where I came from and saw the same deep chasm but now I am on the other side. I don't see how I crossed the chasm I just know that I have. I think healing through Christ is similar. I can see now through counseling how much damage was done. I know that I need Christ healing power. I suspect that as I heal I will realize it is done and wonder how it happened. Already there are events from my past that I feel at peace. A sign that Christ has healed that part. Where there is massive damage, there will be a long healing process. Christ will take me as fast as I can handle. I learned that from counseling. The counselor is always way ahead of me and what I need to learn. But there is little point in trying to push me faster than what I can handle at the time. Baby steps, I progress at baby steps one teetering step at a time. I fall down. Get up again and toddle a few more steps. I may see others racing past me but Christ doesn't notice; His focus is on me moving forward at the pace I can go, even if it takes me an eternity. He is willing to wait for me.
