A Child revisited

upsi's article on a Confession of a mother that said she disliked her own child drew 17 comments with a wide range of reactions.  I talked to Judy and she rewrote her comment into a more universal statement.

A Child Is...

*A child is not a doll.
*An adult who blames their child for health problems is irresponsible.
*A child is not a Cabbage Patch Doll.
*An adult keeping "score" with a child is immature.
*A child is not a Build-A-Bear Doll.
*An adult who requires a child to make them feel better is emotionally abusive.
*A child is not a mail-order doll.
*An adult who expects a child to fill their needs is abusive.
*A child is not a store-bought doll.
*An adult who focuses on the negative and disregards the positive in their child is abusive.
*A child is not a doll.
*An adult who sees their child as a doll in any way needs to grow up and stop acting like a spoiled brat that didn't get their way.
*A child is a human being.
*An adult who abuses a child, in any way, will pay the piper, someday. Not a threat; an observation.
*A child is not a blob to be molded as an adult sees fit.
*A child is unique and precious.
*An adult blessed with a child needs to be grateful they were given such a precious gift because there are plenty of people out there who want such a gift but are denied for reasons beyond their power.
*A child is a gift.

©Judy 13 June 2011

This is followed by reading Kiki's comments at the bottom of upsi's page:

All right. So, parents don't always love absolutely everything that their kid does, but the mother seemed almost to HATE everything that her daughter was. And the happiness that realizing that Sophie had a medical condition was like just a huge, fat justification for her, or so it reads. It's like, "Oh, I knew Sophie was effed up! I'm sad I was a jerk, but I knew she was effed up!"

Now, it's like Sophie is "My Child With a Medical Condition Whom I Will Love" rather than just "Sophie."

My children aren't cookie cut outs of me. I didn't regenerate clones. I didn't chop off a piece of me like a plant, stick it in water, and attempt to grow new versions of myself. The world, for better or for worse, already has this Kiki. It doesn't need other mutations or variations of Kiki. One's enough. And the world instead needs a Becky, a Clark, a Logan, etc.

I find it the epitome of self-absorption when people love children who are most like themselves or who attempt to swap out the gift they were given for a different model. It's an insult on so many levels.

Children are human beings that one happened to give birth to or happened to adopt. They are not your clone. They are not a mini version of you. And even if they have a hundred similarities with you, even if they look like you did at that age, even if you have the same look about you, they are still not and never will be YOU.

You love your child because your child is a person, wonderfully made, created as a unique being, crafted in a way that no other person in the world will ever be exactly like this little child before you. The child is to be loved because the child is rare and precious. The child must be loved and protected and allowed to grow to be a unique adult.

Children are not clones.

I also was deeply touched by Kiki's blog post on raising children.
http://kikimatters.blogspot.com/2011/06/while-reading-gordimer.html

When I was 17, I was planning to never marry or have children.  I heard that abuse victims abused their children, I wasn't going to do that.  So I wasn't going to have children.  Fortunately, several events happened in my life that I changed my mind.  I can say one thing.  An abuse victim can choose to get the help they need so they do not do to their children what was done to them.  Continuing the cycle of abuse is a choice.  So is deciding to break the chain of abuse.  I agree with Judy and Kiki, children are gift that each parent has a responsibility to take care of and protect.  

What is a Chain Breaker:
http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2011/04/chain-breakers.html

Choosing to be a Chain Breaker:
http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2011/04/choosing-to-be-chain-breaker.html