Uncontrolled thoughts

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Mark Twain

The more we try to control the world around us, the more out of control our world becomes. There are some things that are simply out of our hands. -Erwin Raphael McManus


One of the challenges of being raised by a narcissistic personality is overcoming the belief that you owe them your life.  Yes, NM gave birth to me but that does not mean she owns me.   My NM didn't believe that the world owed her a living, she did behave like I owed her my life.  She controlled my food, where I slept, if I could bath, what I felt, then turned around and totally ignored my existence until she demanded that I meet her need.  If she felt sad, I was to cheer her up.  If she wanted to brag, I was to listen.  If she wanted to rage, it was my fault that I did something to upset her.  Her rages terrified me.  She flip flopped between total neglect and total control.  During the time of total neglect the pedophile down the street finished my training that someone else will always control me.  My mind split.  Time past.  Neighbor died.  I had children of my own.  My world seemed wobbly at best.  Control seemed to slip in and out of my grasp.  I entered counseling.  KavinCoach let me know that I was in charge of myself and responsible for the out come of who I was.  The world was not for me to control.  It wasn't my job.  He lifted a huge load off my shoulders because I felt I was a bad parent for not taking better control of my children.  Oh, I certainly messed up.  But out of shear lack of understanding, I didn't try to control them.  They knew they had certain expectations.  I forbid them from some activities, some that I now regret.  But mostly I felt like I wasn't doing that good of a job controlling myself, what made me think I could do any better with their lives?  The world is an amazing place.  We have this amazing place to share.  I am thankful it is not my job to control everything.  I am happy to let the world do its thing.  Some bad things do happen.  When I can, I help.  But it is not my job to fix everything.  This year I quit the job of trying to make my mother happy.  I am learning to control my life.  I am responsible for the outcome of my choices.  My kids are now amazing adults that are each growing their own families.  I am so proud of all of them.  In my mind, control over others is but an illusion.  The world quakes and I am reminded of how little control I have over anything. 

If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.

Yogi Berra