Where I begin

Real heroes are men (and women) who fall and fail and are flawed, but win out in the end because they've stayed true to their ideals and beliefs and commitments.

Kevin Costner

Boundaries are one of those elusive things that a person that understands them and uses them assumes other people get it.  I remember sitting in the marriage class over 8 years ago and listening to their discussion of boundaries.  When I asked DH later about what is a boundary, he was astounded that I didn't know what one was.  When I asked KavinCoach he agreed with me that I didn't get it and he waited for me to integrate before he tackled answering my question.  Why the wait?  I finally decided that I had to know where I began and ended before I could grasp where boundaries existed.  Sliding from one personality to another gives an illusion of limitlessness that is hard to define.  I am thinking of it like if I don't know the edges of me, how can I define a boundary of where I end and someone else that is not me begins? My first understanding of boundaries came from within myself.  My separate personalities wanted boundaries but were setting them up against my other personalities.  This thought process interfered with  integration.  To integrate, I needed to know that there are no boundaries within myself.  I had to bring down my internal walls and become myself before I understood the walls that exist between myself and others.  I lived for over 45 years as separate personalities within myself.  This sliding back and forth gave me a warped perception of how boundaries worked.  I had them all along but used them to make my life harder not easier.  Now I am learning about boundaries between me and someone else because now I know who me is, sort of.  (Reminding myself that I am a work in progress.)  I still have plenty to explore and I am enjoying learning that I have many strengths and some interesting weaknesses.  I now recognize that I have the right to take care of myself and sometimes the responsibility to let someone else know that they are interfering with my need to care for myself.   Those people around me that are healthy are happy for my progress and support me when I am setting boundaries.  However, there are people that are not healthy that resent me for putting down my foot and saying, "Hey, you can't treat me like that."  My progress into healthy living parallel with my setting and maintaining boundaries.  It is not comfortable to start with.  One of the books mentioned that some people are so unhealthy that they will refuse to interact with me rather than accept my newly formed boundaries.  I appreciate the warning but it came a little too late.  I am already experiencing the discomfort from someone not liking the boundaries I am setting.  I understand better why it is easier to grow up using boundaries rather than defining them later in life.  Now, I have some bad habits I need to over come that are difficult, but not impossible.  Or sometimes I like to think of Walt Disney's quote, "It is kind of fun to do the impossible."