| Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it's when you've had everything to do, and you've done it. Margaret Thatcher I needed a good day. I started the morning with my sister seeing a friend. Then I attended Toastmasters and took an extra role in the meeting since several people had last minute emergencies. (When I first started I wouldn't even talk at all.) I then visited with another friend. Early evening out of town family dropped by for a few minutes. Then ended the evening with reading FB and reading the blogs I enjoy following. A very satisfying day. I am looking forward to tomorrow when I can visit with NewCounselor. I have a ton of stuff to talk about from the last few days. The rest of his vacation was uneventful. In fact, Monday morning had me thinking that I really didn't have much to say to him at all. It all changed in a matter of a few hours. Tough reminder that my healing is a slow and difficult process. I am still in counseling for a reason. I am looking to a brighter day.  Every once in awhile I encounter something that reminds me strongly of my years as a multiple. I talked with another person that also faces the challenges of DID. She was frustrated when one of her alters had done something that she didn't know how to undo. Her friend asked, "Well why don't you just make your alter fix the problem?" I burst out laughing. I knew I was being rude. But I just knew that her singleton friend had NO IDEA how completely the alters take over control. In books, some TV shows, and some movies the portrayal of multiple identity plays out as one big happy family living in a single body. For me, and for others I know, this is not the case. My alters were formed during extremely violent and terrifying moments in my life. Those moments that take minutes but feel like years. The alter took control of the situation to survive. This is not friends passing the baton. It is more like a crazy free-for-all like murder ball where you cream who ever has the ball. Some of the alters are literally fighting for their lives. Imagine a RAGE CAGE with 5, 10 or 15 players and the ball is the use of the body. Each is trying to play out their lives. Not until I was very close to integration was I able to negotiate and persuade some level of cooperation. The thought and concept that I could 'make' one of the my alters do anything was, well, laughable. Fortunately, the person facing the challenge is very kind and didn't smack me for laughing. She even understood that for a multiple to control one of the alters is almost impossible. The reason they formed was to take over from a part that was failing to survive. Once my alters became aware of each other, the power struggles followed. Yes, some of my alters did purposely get me into problems that I didn't know how to solve to prove to me that I needed them. Before integration, I had to persuade all my alters that we needed each other without the inside walls. I needed to reform my structure of living through integration to learn how to thrive. The effort paid off. The stress from this week did not cause me to split off alters. Integration didn't have any cracks at all.
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Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Satisfying Day
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7 comments:
Go YOU!!!
That first photo is really cool, the way one side is "darker" than the other, and yet it's the same.
This post gave me a better understanding of the challenges you face, Ruth. Now, I admire you even more for the progress you have made.
Thinking of you today and hoping you have a good one. mulderfan
Thank you. Thankfully today I have a counseling appointment. I am so glad I have a well trained person that can help me through this labyrinth we call life.
Hi Ruth, do you have a blog link where you talk specifically about your DID and what it is like. I believe that my ex-husband may have this. We were a Christian couple who were not intimate before the wedding. He had a severely abusive childhood, a lot of which I never heard about until after we married - through his Mom. I remember her telling me something and then looking up at him in disbelief I remember so many things in HINDSIGHT but one thing that really stands out for me is after he abandoned me. He went to work and wrote me an email saying cryptic things like "We came to the stage with different scripts." Here is where it gets weird. I repeatedly asked him "Why did you leave? I want an explanation!" I remember him saying "Babe, I don't know. You're asking me things I can't answer. I don't know!" I remember after getting that email that I googled "split personality." This is when I learned so much about NPD, which I suspect that he has too. One more example (and their are many) is after dating only three months, we had this horrible fight. I mean, this soft spoken guy turned into a mean abuser. He was so angry that I dared to challenge him to call me if he is going to be late. He basically railed on me that it was all about him and he would do whatever he pleased. I was shocked and we broke up. About two months later, he contacted me with contrition. The man I thought I knew was back. The odd thing to me was a comment he made "I found pictures of us on my camera and then I remembered you" or something like that. I then asked him how he felt/handled the time apart (I was heartbroken) and he acted as if he put me out of his mind entirely. It was perplexing to say the least.
We have been divorced for five years. I am just "curious" b/c I've never actually talked to anybody with DID. What are your thoughts based on what I've told you?
Cheshire, A lot goes into a diagnosis of DID. A LOT of other things have to be ruled out which really does require a professional. The link to my book is at the bottom of the page. You can use the search at the right and use the keyword DID to get posts that directly address issues with DID. If you want to email me directly with specific questions post a comment and say that you don't want it posted but want to contact me. I used to post my email until I found out that spammers use those to send a bunch of junk. Also on the resource page is some excellent books on DID sometimes referred to MPD - Multiple personality disorder. Also DID rarely comes alone, because of this an accurate diagnosis is difficult.
that makes sense. At this point, it would not be healthy to try to "diagnose" him and your comment that DID rarely comes alone rings true. He has a lot of co-morbid conditions. I never got any real closure because for all I know, he could be an addict (hiding) a narcissist (expecting to marry a slave) a latent homosexual or just a severely damaged individual who preferred isolation to being known. It's hard when we love someone who is damaged but not working on themselves. You should remind yourself daily how much courage and strength you have to face your past and repair it instead of repeat it. :)
Probably the book that would help you the most is 'Multiple Personality Disorder from the Inside Out', Barry M. Cohen; It is written by multiples for multiples and their families. One chapter is devoted to living with a multiple. My sister explained some of the confusion she felt before she found out I was a multiple. She felt unheard, noticed the changes in behavior, frustrated with my extreme forgetfulness, and a lot of other frustration. I was considered to be a high functioning multiple since I have been married for over 30 years and then I integrated. Integration has blessed my life in so many ways.
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