One of the most difficult things I dealt with as a child was the bizarre difference between how I viewed my home life and how others viewed my home life. I would be told how lucky I was to have the parents I had and the wonderful home life. I felt so confused. It took me quite a while to figure out that image was everything. There was no room for reality. The family closed ranks and protected the image of the wonderful family. Only it wasn't real. It was just that an image without substance. I was told how lucky I was to have a mother that was a wonderful cook. I was put on bread and water for complaining about her cooking. I was extremely allergic to the ingredients she used. I went hungry so my brothers could have seconds. I had to sit at the table until I finished all my food but if I didn't take enough food by the time the platter reached my older brother he was allowed to eat all the rest. I had to gauge perfectly every day what I wanted to eat or bare the punishment or go hungry. I watched mother meticulously weigh and log every bite she ate. Then she would rage at us if we were late for dinner and she had to wait for food. But if someone came over to eat, there was plenty of food and no bread and water. I loved having company over because then the image had to be held up. Once I left I home I decided to behave differently. I wanted a real life with how I really lived. When I worked on computers I found a name for what I wanted. WYSIWYG - What You See Is What You Get. With early word processing programs, the page didn't look like the print out. When computers went WYSIWYG they made what you saw on the monitor to be the same as what came off the printer. Another way of saying this is to live authentically. No slight of hand creating an illusion of how you live. To live a life without lies. To be real. I like reality.
5 comments:
Ruth, I love your acronym WYSIWYG and the analogy you used about the computer/printer.
Narcissists are a strange bunch. They need to abuse you for a variety of reasons while at the same time, they need to believe they are WONDERFUL. In their two dimensional world of the "false self" their "image" is their reality, regardless of the abusive actions completely OPPOSITE to that image.
It's no wonder that most of us CoN's second guess ourselves at every turn and why many of our friends think we had such great lives. Narcs tend to bother quite a bit with their image. They don't, however, bother with us!
I'm sorry you had to live through that hell but I'm proud of you for being someone who "repairs" rather than "repeats."
"I would be told how lucky I was to have the parents I had" EXACTLY my experience, Ruth! What a show we put on! It's a wonder I didn't become an award winning actress!
My NF was always fed well while the kids often went hungry. My NPs always told us NM was a wonderful cook when in reality she was and still is an awful cook!
Even my DH believed the facade
when he first dated me. As soon as it became obvious our relationship was serious NF dropped the act. I remember clearly the first time DH won at cribbage and NF raged that he had cheated!
In recent years, NM has frequently commented, "You don't deserve parents like us." and I always answer with a whole-hearted, "No, I don't!" Silly old bugger smiles, her self satisfied smile, as MY meaning whizzes right over her head!
You know Ruth, our common ground is a bit of a battlefield!
Hugs P/M
Cheshire - I appreciate your comment. I also like your "repairs" rather than "repeats." This duality of at home vs. in public always confused me and I am the one with the multiple personality disorder label. Now integrated I look at them and think if they didn't remember from one time to the next they would be multiples. Than I remind myself that for them all of life is a stage AND they do remember.
mulderfan/mum - Now you understand why I was so floored reading your blog. The similarities blew me away. The main difference your father was the Narc and my mother was the narc in our family. Takes awhile for the mask slips but it is always such a shock for the new comer. I thought my mother didn't realize what she was doing until one of the blogs mentioned that little smile they get on their face like they know and are pleased. Really spooky. Thanks for all your awesome support.
WYSIWYG ~ I have got to remember that!
Here's to living in WYSIWYG. Life is complicated enough without trying to keep track of the labyrinth of lies the narcs create and constantly change.
Never thought we would want to live a computer acronym. :)
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