Disillusioned future

Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.  Ambrose Bierce



I found out after I was in counseling that the reason I had difficulty communicating with other people was that I used to function as a multiple personality.  I was shocked.  I just thought I had a really lousy memory.  Missing hours or days of time.  Never occurred to me that I had switched and another part of me took over.  Strange things can happen in a conversation when the other person doesn't know they are talking to a different person in the same body.  Shortly after finding out I was a multiple I committed to integrating.  I believed that integration would solve my problems with communication and make it so I remembered everything all the time.  Illusions about the future are so easy to create.  So hard to let go of.  I integrated 3 years ago.  I had a reality check... and it bounced.  I still have trouble communicating and my memory is still lousy.  I was so disappointed.  All this work and what did I have to show for it?  The interesting thing about being disillusioned it makes way for reality.  For me, that reality far exceeded my fantasy.  I had no idea living without the luxury of switching out could be so hard and so rewarding.   I feel peaceful inside in ways that were never possible for me before integration.  I take responsibility for my actions because I know what they are.  I know that I did it.  As far as my memories are concerned, I accept that God's greatest blessing to me was to forget most of my childhood.  There are good memories. I have delighted in remembering random things like my teacher's names.   However, fuzzy is good when I remember bits and pieces of some of my past.  I am no longer desperate to remember.  Now, if I hit an ultra big trigger, I accept that I may not remember the source and set about defusing it any way.  I learned I don't need all the details to protect or defuse a trigger.  The other disillusion... integration did not solve all my problems.  In fact, it created quite a few new ones.  The difference, the access I have to healthy tools that work far better than switching.  Before integration, the default solution was to switch personalities.  Unfortunately, that wasn't always the best tool for the situation at hand.  Now, I can control which way I solve a problem.  Challenging... Yes.  Impossible... No.  Am I glad I integrated.  Absolutely yes.  Once the smoke of disillusionment was gone, I saw a bright new life that I never realized before integration was possible.  My new future looks wonderful.