Stuff

I have one room that looks like a scene from Hoarders.  Stuffed with stuff in boxes and bags.  Stuffed in closets and on shelves.  For one of my art projects the teacher required me not to plan it out in advance.  I looked at him blankly.  How could I possibly do an art project without planning?  I had what I thought was a brilliant idea.  I would take one of my boxes from childhood that had been stored in my parent's basement for over 25 years and open it.  I would take pictures of the contents.  Now for most people this could be a lovely waltz down memory line.  Unfortunately, my childhood was more like a war zone.  Almost every item in that box acted like a land mind.  Explosions all over the place.  The project turned into 4 semesters worth of projects, a poem, and a section of pictures in my book.  (Link to my book We Are One at the bottom of my blog.)   After the smoke and dust cleared, I assessed the shrapnel damage and didn't touch any more boxes in that room for years.  Now, I want to reclaim my sewing/crafts/photo room from the stuff.  Flylady http://www.flylady.net/ did a lot to set me on the right path but couldn't get me past the anxiety attacks that hit in less than the 15 minutes she recommends for decluttering.  Stale mate.  What to do?  I dropped to 5 minute intervals.  Still no go.  Thought some more.  My daughter's suggestion to rethink the problem landed along the same thoughts I was already struggling with.  I needed to rethink the problem from the ground up.  I am not throwing away stuff; I am making room for me to work.  I am not dejunking my room; I am bringing order to the space I want to feel comfortable in.  I am a singleton; I do not need to worry if the stuff belongs to someone else.  I can remember things; I do not need to harbor evidence of past events. I am still in counseling so if I run into an emotional explosion; first aid is only an email away.  Well, I can see more of the floor than I have been able to see in years.  I actually threw away some items without an anxiety attack to go with it.  I am determined to beat this.

Have you ever noticed when you are trying to solve a big problem, ideas and suggestions start popping up?  I have a link to Wiki How to's.  I haven't seen anything interesting for quite a while then tonight, there it was:

How to Let Go of Sentimental Clutter

I was amazed and astounded about the suggestions and the concept that my battle with clutter is directly related to my struggle with boundaries.  I would not have paired these two concepts at all.  Now that I think about it, boundaries being the root of the clutter problem makes total sense.  I am still intimidated by some of the mystery boxes but I am also determined to put my past where it belongs....in my past.  I am terrified to post 'before' pictures of my room in case someone sends it to Hoarders and they try to put me on their show.  I do know that things can be monster triggers to events that terrify me in my nightmares.  But that is just it.  They are THINGS.  Not events.  Not feelings.  Not who I am.  Letting go will not end my world.  Maybe what I will do is post 'after' pictures with my awesome space when it is done.  Well kind readers, those pictures will not be any time soon.   


The poem that I wrote after opening the dreaded box.

Treasured Pieces

Forgotten past
Lost in the recesses of a suppressed mind.
The facade cracks – the filth of my past oozes into my consciousness.
In this filthy river are bits and pieces of
      treasured moments.
Collect them
Polish them
Store them where they are safe.

Bring them out and remember.
Life can be good.
Moments can be precious.
Savor the good that exists.

I can not change my past.
I can decide my future
Do I spread the ooze or
Create moments to be treasured?

Only I decide.


I can decide to let go of things that do not matter.