Responding

Have you considered that when Jesus' admonishes us to love our enemies, He meant it for such a moment as this? They're only memories, bits of fluff. The actual events are long over. They can't be changed. You ARE changing you. You will never do those things again, so why are you beating yourself up, now? The point is? Entertaining the adversary? How he must chuckle with glee when we allow him to hold us firmly in the past. Accept it happened. It's over, and yes you learned some habits you don't like, but you are working to change those habits. Why are you expecting perfection of yourself? I don't remember there being an expiration date stamped anywhere, except the permanent one. So if you're still here, then you haven't reached your expiration date. This is your life. Who dictated how it was supposed to go, and you somehow didn't measure up? I don't remember seeing a script anywhere with your name on it saying that everything had to be perfect by 12 March 2012. Are you going to dictate to God how the script should go, in your estimation, or are you going to turn the script over to God, and let Him guide you through it?

Laurel posted this comment on last night's spill of frustration.  Before anyone stresses, just a reminder that Laurel is my sister's pen name.  She has an inside scoop on my challenges.  We walk at the park and talk about the world.  I appreciate her perspective.

Love your enemies...especially if the person you are having hard feelings about is yourself.  Reviewing short comings and mistakes I tend to be very hard on myself.  Love myself, I am better able to love others. 

Memories are Bits of fluff ... Dear memory, you have just been downsized to a bit of fluff.  So keep your place to make room for today's awesomeness.  Sincerely, Me.

My past can not be changed.  However, my perspective has.  I am a different person and part of that is feeling.  Many of the events from my past I did not allow myself to feel anything at the time.  Feelings unfelt wait until they can have their moment on stage.  Too many together, overwhelm me from time to time.  I highly recommend to anyone to feel feelings as you go along.  Playing catch up is tough.  I am not exactly beating myself up wishing that I could have done something different.  But I do feel beat up by the depth of sorrow I feel that the events happened to anyone.  It is a terrible way to live.  Oh crap, that was me living that way.

I agree the adversary and my pedophile are probably laughing at me from the depths of hell.  The plan is that I will have the last laugh when I am free of my past and it is where it belongs...in my past. 

Overcoming the bad habits I learned is an ongoing process.  I believe both AA and Flylady use the statement, "Progress not perfection."  mulderfan pointed out that taking out 1 tablespoon of toxic thinking is an improvement. 

I haven't reached my expiration date.  I am still here.  I am rewriting the end of my story.  15 years ago after extensive physical testing for epilepsy my doctor told me that I would never have a full time job or do many of the things I have done.  I proved him wrong.  I can beat the odds on this too.  More than one 'expert' has declared that the fate of a severely abused person is glum...I will beat these odds too. 

I am the master of my fate but I did not control what others chose to do to me.  I can only control how I respond.  I like Einsteins observation that if a fish's ability was measured by how well it could climb a tree it would always be considered stupid.  Who am I allowing to decide for me what my story is?  That is something I need to consider on a longer term basis. 

The last one I struggle with.  God allows each one of us to face challenges,some of monstrous proportions.  Joseph was sold to slave traders by his brothers.  He was falsely accused and imprisoned.  He was forgotten by the man he helped.  And it is recorded that Joseph was favored by God.  Yep, I struggle with my script.  On the other hand I have been blessed with wonderful experiences raising amazing children, studying photography and the opportunity to work with 2 talented counselors.  I am not sure what God has in mind for me but he can't bless me unless I keep moving. 

Today was a wonderful day at the zoo with daughter and grandsons.  I will continue to do the work I set in front of me to do. 

Life Is A Fork In The RoadPositively Positive

“Life is a series of choices. Some turn out well while others don’t. We may hope for a “magical movie moment” that stops us from making a choice before it turns out poorly. In reality, going through some of these lessons is the nature of life itself. Don’t flog yourself about your choices. We make them because we are human. Learn as much as possible from each choice then trust your inner wisdom to guide your journey.” Don Shapiro, author Life Is A Fork In The Road