Thursday, April 19, 2012


Opened up an email with the word of the day and this was it. After this weekend, I now understand it.

Definition of DARKLE

intransitive verb
1a : to become clouded or gloomy b : to grow dark
2: to become concealed in the dark

Origin of DARKLE

back-formation from darkling First Known Use: 1800

Rhymes with DARKLE

This weekend my mood darkled, tonight counselor helped put things in perspective and my heart sparkled.  

I spent so much of my life dodging and weaving around depression that I recognize it quickly.  I also noticed that it was only a matter of days instead of weeks or months to be back on the up swing.  I also learned that depression for me surges to the forefront when I am feeling like I am out of control of myself.  After years of counseling, I was totally unsurprised when NewCounsleor asked me why I let it happen.  The first time KavinCoach asked me a similar question I went into a week long tail spin.  Now my first thought was, "Dammit, I shot myself in the foot again."  I now understand that not maintaining appropriate boundaries and defending them, I relinquish my precious freedom to someone else that is often careless with what I need and this is not good for me.  As a child, others controlled me.  Not hard when a child fears and wants the love of the adults around them.  As a teenager, I was in full out survival mode.  Do what ever is necessary to keep my head above water.  No time to take control of my own life and rebel like I needed to do.  Marriage before 20 and beautiful amazing kids.  KavinCoach pointed out years ago that I missed some steps.  I had a choice.  Take the steps I missed or retreat further into insanity.  I chose to move into the missed steps.  Awkward and graceless I felt confused and frustrated with what I needed to do.  I recognized the symptoms of being a teenager after raising 6 kids.  I was blessed with a couple of years of unemployment to kind of get my feet under me.  Now I am working at a high school surrounded by teenagers.  I can spot that kid could really use some counseling.  Nope that kid is fine they are rebelling just as they should.  Oh man, that one has slipped away into the fog of drugs.  Bright, talented slips away into a glassy eyed stare.  I am faced daily with challenges of understanding how I can set and protect my boundaries.  How I can become the me I believe I am capable of being.  The person that God meant for me to be.  God knew the end from the beginning.  He knew what I would be facing.  He also allowed me to make choices along the way that taught me what I am made of.  I am stronger than I ever believed.  I am also softer than I ever understood.  My challenge now is to mix the strength with softness.  I need to be stroft.


mulderfan said...

I'm learning the hard way that before I become more adept at setting boundaries I must believe myself to be worthy of happiness. If I 1st place a high value on my truth and my feelings rather than lies and manipulations of those who would abuse me boundary setting becomes the next logical step.

Kinda hard to move beyond doubting yourself when you've been trained to do just that, but it does get easier!

Baby steps and practice, Ruth.

Love P/M

Ruth said...

Thank you P/M your encouragement is very helpful. Your example is so valuable to me. Hugs, Ruth

Kara said...

I love the idea of "stroft" , I went to the V&A museum in London today and I saw a cape made of spider silk. It is so beautiful. The gold thread that comes from the spider is stronger than steel but flexible as well.

I hope you're feeling better.