Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Raining on my own parade
What is wrong with me? I had a great evening last night talking to a bunch of women on how to get a great photograph of themselves. I talked for 10 minutes and it went really well. I came home and felt completely awful. What is with that? In my childhood I would have had someone else rain on my parade, now I do it to myself. Tonight is round 2. I talk to cancer survivors tonight about the emotional changes of having cancer. It is a subject that is dear to my heart and very personal. I would appreciated prayers or chants in my behalf. I read about this in books. Abuse survivors are afraid to succeed and feel good about themselves. I think I'm beginning to understand. It feels just so darn weird to feel good. I start looking for what I am missing that is wrong. I am still in the stage of trying to accept that nothing is wrong. Weird just plain weird.
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8 comments:
Ruth, you definitely have my prayers. It sounds like you already have a good handle on what is wrong. That's more than half the battle. Follow your own advice of 'baby steps.' I go through the same thing and I've never quite understood why, but your reasoning makes perfect sense.
It's also the adrenaline rush let down. It only seems huge because you now recognize what's happening. It will improve with practice. And I mean practice feeling good. :-)
Forgive yourself, Ruth...you're human, so being perfect is not an option, unless you're a narcissist!
Chants coming your way!
Love P/M
I hate that feeling too, when you have been doing all-right and that overwhelming feeling comes over you ugh! as if you weren't allowed to be happy. I have been trying to overcome it by saying to myself: "I don't have to go along with this feeling, I can find something else to do" De-cluttering seems to work best in these cases.
I don't understand why it happens either although what Laurel said makes sense... kind of like re-writing the script in our heads until it becomes second nature.
xx
Some good advice on here. It's that toxic voice in our heads that won't shut up-you have to shout at it and not accept what it's saying. Whatever that voice says it is not YOU speaking. You and that voice are not one and the same. Stand away from it and take a look at it. Work out whose voice it is, then imagine it smaller and smaller until it is a mere whisper.Then stand on it! Squish it with all your might. Then laugh and pat yourself on the back!
I'm Nyssa but have changed my name to Pitstop, which is my DS name, if you want to you can go on DS (daily strength) and read my blog. I'm blogging on there because it's nice and easy to do and I'm not that computer savvy. If you want to join and friend request me, please do! All of my stuff is on there. Been wondering if I should move it to my own blog but can't really do work out how to do it! xxxxx
Very courageous of you to give those talks. No matter how you feel, you'll still have done well.
I have a hard time also believing good things are real. I'm getting good feedback at work, and feel I'm cheating somehow....
Good vibes coming your way.
Thanks everyone. I appreciate your encouragement and support. High 5s to all.
I relate and struggle with this a lot. I have integrated their abusive voice into my internal voice...I will say, I had...without my consent...so now, now that I notice that and experience it, I get to work through it.
This internal critic has kept me from living my dreams, living freely, being me without huge fear dropping down on me afterwards time after time. I am determined to work through this, learn to replace that inner abusive son of a biatch critic with a loving parental voice and live my life.
I was just thinking about this yesterday as it's so hard for me to do this...this is why I don't have a blog for my struggle with my N family...the critic holds me back from doing that (or has).
Thank you for sharing and it feels good to not be alone in this....working through it right along side you (see, I read these blogs regularly but don't comment very often).
peace
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