Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Getting things done...

There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Or Not...

Having kids at home usually motivated me to do things that now they are all grown I just look at it and I don't care.  I know that is all the wrong feeling but sometimes my get-up-and-go got-up-and-went.  I feel like going to work is a major chore and I don't hardly have anything to do at work.  I am doing research on the internet to keep me from falling asleep at my desk.  Then I come home and there are a billion things to do and I just don't care.  (Heavy sigh)  I know these symptoms well...I'm depressed.  But I learned enough to know to start hunting.  Why?  Physical problems...not sleeping, symptom not cause.  Thyroid, new medication seemed to stabilized that situation.  Eating properly...check.  Exercise...oh yea 1-2-3-Zumba.   I think that is one of the best parts of my week.  Ok emotional well being.  Ding..ding..ding...... Crap. I am suppressing anger... Anger is a secondary emotion what is hiding behind the anger....Wait for it... BAM...hurt and frustration and I allowed a boundary violation again.  Growing up being disrespected makes it hard for me to recognize and process when I am being disrespected until it is too late.  If it feels normal to me, I am probably not standing up for myself about something.  My sister sent an article that I am thinking over and will probably run past NewCounselor.  Rabbi Daniel Lapin writes a newsletter like an email blog.  He asked his readers to consider if they are still in Egypt?  For a bit of history, Jews celebrate passover each spring.  Celebrating and remembering Moses leading them out of Egypt and slavery.  Rabbi Lapin commented that after 200 years of slavery the Israelite people didn't know what it meant to be free.  I wonder if that is the issue... I don't really know what it means to be free from being disrespected.  I am going into uncharted territory of recognizing and acknowledging when I am treated how I want to be treated.  I learned from long history that I can tolerate abuse.  I just don't seem to know what to do to change how I am treated.  If I am respected by someone, I really enjoy it.  But I keep hitting this wall of how do I get respect from someone that doesn't show respect?  How do I verbalize, I don't like how you treat me, if I don't realize for 3 days how I was disrespected?  The long delay of figuring it out makes rebuttal seem odd when I bring something up a week later that bugged me.  Research, learning, and I suspect the main step is to finally do something about it.  Stepping out in faith is putting your foot out into the darkness without seeing the first step.  Unfortunately, I seem to still be putting the shackles right back on myself to feel like things are 'back-to-normal.'

Keep running into Dead-ends


Anonymous said...

I understand why you feel this way; it creates anger in me too. When you have been disrespected as a child it stays with you. There will always be rude people Ruth; please don’t let them get to you. To my mind the only way to treat people who disrespect you is to treat them with the contempt they deserve and ignore their ignorant behaviour (as you would a bully). Hold your head up high; it’s not you, it’s them.

If for a tranquil mind you seek,
these things observe with care.
Of whom you speak, to whom you speak
and how and when and where. ~ Anon

Love, Molly

Anonymous said...

Hi Ruth,
There are a lot of us in the same boat: learning about boundaries and respect. It is hard because as you say half the time we don't see what's going on until it is way past. I suppose it's like trying to lift up weights, you have to start small until you build up your strength. For the moment I am just happy practicing these three things: Saying let me get back to you instead of an immediate yes, not going back for more with people that are mean, and not trying to keep conversations going with people that are like trying to get water out of a stone. I'll see where that takes me, it helps sometimes to look back and see what a long way we've come from what we were, we just have to keep going. It's interesting what you said about the Jews in the desert, it made me think of why most of the Jews that left Egypt didn't make it into the Promised Land, only Joshua and Caleb, is it because they're weren't willing to change enough to move into a new life? (aside from not having developed faith and appreciation for what God had done for them and was still doing for them). Change is hard for those of us from dysfunctional families because it make us feel unsafe, the unknown is scary and we don't have the back up that people with healthy parents do, but we can learn and support each other.
Try not to be too hard on yourself about that boundary violation, we are learning and we don't always get it right but we will get there in the end.



mulderfan said...

A wise AA member told me almost all of our problems stem from a lack of boundaries. He went on to say establishing and enforcing clear boundaries frees you from resentments and people are more respectful toward you.

An alcoholic bottles up resentments and this usually leads to relapse. If your boundaries are clear, people respect them or you walk away. No reason to develop resentments.

Examine the relationships you have with people who are not respectful toward you. Maybe your boundaries are blurred.

As for the stuff that doesn't get done at home, maybe you've realized the dust can wait for another day, after all, we don't have to be perfect in order to be happy. In fact, the reverse might be true!

Love P/M

Laurel Hawkes said...

I was born and raised a slave in Egypt, and I'm still living there. I don't know how to do anything else, but it doesn't keep me from trying anyway.

Evan said...

I can always think of what I should have said and should have done later. It is most annoying.

I have found that the time between the event and realising what I should have done or said gets less over time.

The biggest breakthrough for me was to realise that I don't have to pressure myself to respond immediately. I have gradually learned to say I need time to think or decide (I haven't ever said that I need time to feel. My next step?).

Ruth said...

Thanks Molly, I appreciate your encouragement. Holding my head up is a good place to start.

Thank you Kara, the reminder that I am a work in progress and I will get better as I go. Sounds like your 3 steps are a good starting point.

Mulderfan, I love the idea that dust free does not equal happiness. Resentment is playing a big part of why I am so upset. Still working on letting go of the resentment.

Laurel, you're right. We will keep trying. Thanks.

Evan, thanks for the suggestion to allow myself time to decide.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if I think anger is a secondary emotion. People say that it is a cover for hurt but I'm not so sure. I think they're just different emotions. And I think it's possible to feel hurt first, and then angry. Or angry first, and then hurt. Or both at the same time. Or just hurt. Or just angry. Anger's just as real as hurt. I don't think it's bad that you can't tell when someone's disrespecting you right away. Sometimes people seem nice and then they start getting less nice. And sometimes you have your own opinion about what disrespect is and whether you care or not. Just because someone calls you a name doesn't mean you are that. Plus, I don't think it's wrong to bring something up that happened last week, or last month, or last lifetime or whatever, if you want to talk about it. You just gotta roll with the punches, ie. feelings.