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I was all psyched up to discuss some more painful things from my past. However, needed some closure to last weeks discussion. Thanked NewCounselor for listening. I appreciated him giving me the opportunity to clear out the file called, "Old Garbage to be taken out." I felt awesome knowing that there is nothing left there to haunt or make afraid. I still feel sad...I grieve my lost childhood but that doesn't send me into a blinding tail spin. I thought tonight I would be dissecting another unfinished part of my past. Instead, we discussed how I was before pain entered my life, how I felt during the time it happened, and how I felt as a survivor. I felt frustrated a couple of times trying to explain that I didn't have a master controller personality. I had three that worked as a tag team each with their specialized set of skills, one for school, one for friends, and one for home. The conversation did not have quite the results he was looking for. On the other hand, he broke down some of my impressions of how I felt during those different times. He showed that from each of these challenges I developed different strengths. He then talked about creating an image that combined all the different strengths. The project sounded more and more interesting. Then he dropped a bomb shell...
"You can dream...."
Squealing of brakes as my mind crashes into that one phrase. Full panic in 3 words. Grabbed the stress toys that I have and started rotating them in my hands. Back and forth, round and round, the action of the toys matched the whirling in my mind. For me, dreams = NIGHTMARES. Not what NewCounselor meant at all. He soothingly talked about what kind of person do I dream of becoming. First off, I had never thought I would live this long in the first place. Secondly, I can have dreams? Really? Me? I am trying desperately to listen. Keep my mind focused on what he is trying to say to me. Instead, I feel a ripple in the underwater a crocodile entering a swamp or some mysterious creature waiting to destroy. The image his words create in my mind is an image of open meadow with receding clouds on the horizon, morning sunlight touching the dew drops glistening on petals of marigolds and roses. Not one bit of swamp land in sight. His words created a new image...can that image really be mine?
8 comments:
YES!
I love fast answers. :)
So glad all went well, you were in my thoughts yesterday.
Hopes + dreams = happiness.
Have a lovely Easter, Ruth.
XX Molly
Thanks Molly. Happy Good Friday and Happy Easter to you too.
The first tattoo I ever got was the Japanese symbol for dream, because without a dream we have nothing.
I have nightmares every night but don't equate them with dreams.
Love P/M
I like the idea to unlink nightmares and dreams. I will need to tackle that. First I need to sleep enough to find out. :)
I can understand why you'd panic at first. We also never expected to live this long. I believe some of us are "stuck" in our ages because we were told in very clear terms that we wouldn't see another year. We were told this over and over again.
But yes, as far fetched as it sometimes feels, we can have dreams, too. We get to look forward to things, plans for things and create goals. It's all that keeps me going some days.
Rinoa, I am glad you found your dreams.
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