Roger de Bussy-Rabutin Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.
Out of sight, out of mind (or the computer translation Blind, Crazy.)
A few years after getting married, we moved our little family cross country. I was very happy with the distance. We spent holidays with just our little family unit. No extended family intruded for over 12 years. I liked being able to wake up Christmas morning, open the presents and then play all day. Christmas eve was sledding down our own hill. Easter we hunted eggs at the town park. Every holiday was ours to enjoy. Then we moved back, close to relatives. The geographical distance was gone. I had no skills in saying, "no, we have our own traditions." I truly enjoyed the geographical distance. Returning to the extended family included the push and pull of which grandparent do we celebrate with. Christmas evening with one set of grandparents, Christmas morning with another grandparent and finally home to presents that were already forgotten. Not my idea of a wonderful holiday. I tried all sorts of methods of coping but longed for the distance to create the handy excuse of staying with our own family. Physical distance served the place of boundaries that I didn't have.
200 years ago people moved all over the globe and never saw family of origins again. Other families stayed in the same ancestral home handed down from one generation to the next. Now however, with Internet, Skype, and cell phones our geographical distance is shrinking. It is possible to move away and have almost the same amount of contact as living next door. Physical distance can still be used as boundary but a little more effort is needed. I wish I knew years ago what I know now. Distance is sometimes the easiest way to say, "I am staying home with my family this holiday."
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| On the Road Again... |
3 comments:
My NPs left their parents behind in 1952. NF never saw his parents again and NM saw her mother once. They didn't even return when their parents were sick and dying. There were monthly letters but no phone calls.
Then, especially after my DH died, I was expected to make a daily phone call and a weekly visit. When I tried to reduce it to a weekly call and monthly visit all hell broke loose!
Go figure!
I do have a bit of geographical distance but the real distance I have finally created is as wide and deep as the Grand Canyon and it sure feels great!
Love these boundary postings, Ruth!
Hi Ruth,
I like this post. My sister lived abroad for many years,and while she was over there, she and I enjoyed a great relationship, even though we didn't speak that often by phone. When we did see each other, there was no "distance" between us. Five years ago she moved back to my parent's area, and increasingly became an enabler of my mother's narcissism. She is now a full-blown co-dependent, ventriloquizing my parents' words against me, and letting herself be parentified beyond recognition. I thnk it's harder to maintain boundaries when living within an easy drive to FOO. I live far away, and it's still not easy.
Thanks mulderfan, great examples of changes in expectations.
I agree Cal's Sis, once the distance diminishes changes occur in the family dynamics. Sad to watch happen.
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