http://roots2blossom.wordpress.com/2012/07/15/boundaries-are-better-than-impenetrable-walls/
She describes her healthy choices of building boundaries with her mother for a happier emotional distance.
I am noticing that complaining is part of what one does when building or rebuilding boundaries. The complaint is the proverbial line in the sand. Sometimes it is not until I do complain that I recognize where the boundaries exist. I realize that I am still fairly new at this building boundaries business. I also notice that I struggle with my lines from time to time. Oddly enough, I was better at teaching my children what to do than doing it myself. I appreciated reading Roots 2 blossom's post on a boundary she is setting. I try to keep in mind that each relationship has its own level of boundaries. New counselor described it like living out in the country. There are some folk that I do not allow near my property. Those individuals that have potential of doing damage and I am aware of their danger. Others I open my first gate and allow them on my land. These may be people you meet at the grocery store or on the street. Then there is a second gate that lets people into my yard around my house. These may be coworkers, people at church or individuals in shared groups. Then there is another group of people I let in the house. Some family members and close friends, however only my husband do I allow in my bedroom. Each level of boundaries is controlled by me. I decide how much I let people in. I started doing this and didn't believe how much control I have over any relationship. I am starting to learn I change myself, I change the relationship; since the relationships is a product of the two people involved. If one person changes then the relationship changes. (I love turning things into math equations since that makes more sense to me.) I also noticed that I developed a close relationship with someone and they hurt me, I am responsible for reducing my exposure. I move them out the door, through the gate or off my property depending on the level of danger to me. I am a work in progress on this one.
 |
| I control the gates. |
5 comments:
Ruth, what a great post. So many of us think of boundaries as a zero-sum game. I know I've struggled with this all my life. I'm getting better recently at setting what I think of as "variable" boundaries; you are describing variegated (hah!) boundaries. I love your statement that you are "amazed at how much control you can have" when you have many different kinds of gates. Brick walls, picket fences, barbed wire, welcome signs. We can be in charge of those decisions but it's one of the hardest things for ACONS to learn. I'll check out Blossoms wordpress page. thanks.
This was just what I needed today. I also have a lot to work on boundary issues, especially because usually I can't even imagine that I am allowed to have any.
And when I realize that I can set boundaries, and I build them, yes, it is an amazing feeling of both control and peace.
I wish you strength for this project.
We will learn how to set the boundaries, and while building them, setting ourselves free in controlling our own lives ;)
Thank you for the link to my post. I love your addition to it, with all the gates and rooms. It all makes sense and is so comforting to think we can control how much we protect ourselves, as well as how vulnerable we can be
"Sometimes it is not until I do complain that I recognize where the boundaries exist."
This reminds me so much of Marshall Rosenberg's description of how to confront people nonviolently: "I feel [your emotion] when you [their action] because I need [your need]. Would you be willing to [different action]?"
The boundaries you're discovering via complaint sound like the hidden need. I've found it so useful to explore what my need is when I feel like a boundary has been crossed.
Cal's Sis, I love the added description of different kinds of fences and for some a welcome mat. I agree it is difficult when boundaries were not allowed as children. Hard but not impossible.
Scatha, I am glad I wrote something you could use. I hope the same strength for you.
rootstoblossom, I enjoyed your post so much. Happy to share. We will do this.
Claire you are so right when You say that part of the process is learning about the hidden need.
Thank you all for your comments. I feel this makes my post more complete.
Post a Comment