Boundary - words

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou

Words create the boundaries that we do not see.  If you doubt that words create boundaries, try saying 'No'.  Instant boundary, I will not do this or that.  No is a powerful word and many are afraid to use.  A 'no' could result in a backlash of rage from the person you tell 'no'.  However, it is the door way to owning your behavior.  If you are afraid to say no, there is a good possibility that you are in an unhealthy relationship.  It is also a good idea to be tactful.  I love the quote by Winston Churchill: 'Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.'  Because as a child I was very aware that I was taking my life in my hands if I said no, I struggle as an adult to develop my ability to say no. Poor health kept me from doing many things I wanted to do.  It also taught me to say no.  I remember offering to help a short lady get ready for a job interview by shortening one pair of pants for her.  I figured I had the strength to do that.  She brought me her interview pants plus 10 other pairs of pants.  I fixed the one for her interview and didn't touch the other 10 pair.  She asked me when I was going to get them done.  I reminded her that I was going to do one.  Interesting how she got angry with me and flounced, "Well, I'll just take them to someone else."  I smile and replied that would be a good idea.  I learned slowly to say no to other things.  I still struggle with this concept but the better I feel about myself, the more I value what I do, the easier it is for me to say no to a person.  I discovered that if I say yes to someone else often I am saying no to myself.  Sometimes this is OK.  I am working on making a conscious choice instead of just automatically jumping when someone tells me to jump. 

One of the challenges I had growing up was the vague hand waving or gesture that I was expected to read the other person's mind and respond appropriately.  My NM was very big at waving in a general direction with expectation that I knew what she wanted and to give it to her immediately.  KavinCoach worked at explaining to me that I can not read minds.  However, I was well trained to read body language very well. I work at not jumping at a flick of the wrist.  I learned that many times I jumped when in reality the other person could have done things for themselves.  Raising my own children I often found myself telling them to use their words.  Complete sentences and with please and thank you included were expected.  One of the things KavinCoach did for me was to give me words to use and complete sentences that I could practice.  Words and body language combined clarify what I want.  Expecting others to treat me with respect by them using complete sentence gone along ways towards building my confidence in communicating. 

Words make a huge different in any relationship.  Body language and other nonverbal cues can negate the words I say.  I work hard at making my words and nonverbal cues match.  I realize now that much of my confusion growing up was that the words didn't match the body language.  My mother would ask me, "Did I tell you today I loved you?"  She wouldn't look at me when she said this and would continue with what ever she was doing.  This would come from the same person that wouldn't bother to say hello to me.  Or she would say "How are you?" then walk into another room to do something else.  Words and behavior weren't matching.  No small wonder I felt communication didn't make sense.

The words I am currently learning to say involve sharing what I feel.  The suggested format is "I feel _________________ when you do _________________."  I am trying to identify and share with words how I feel about different situations.  I also learn that this is easier to do with someone safe, like my sister, rather than someone unsafe, like my mother.  Owning how I feel is essential to respecting myself.  Overcoming years of conditioning to feel nothing is a huge challenge and learning to use my words is a vital step to communicating with people around me.

I found this picture on the internet.  I am not sure where it originated.