"Everyone who got to where they are had to begin where they were."
- Richard Paul Evans
Why the obsession with boundaries? Two books devoted just to boundaries. Post after post delving into what they are, how they function, what happens when I don't have them, and what happens when I do. Before counseling I taught my kids boundaries but I really didn't have them myself. We moved away which set up a geographical boundary but as soon as we moved back I fell apart. Now I have a fairly good grasp of what a boundary is. I experienced the back lash of putting boundaries in places where none used to exist. I studied about and discussed boundaries for almost two years. When I started counseling, I found out that I functioned as 5 personalities in the same body. Due to traumatic experiences, I did an extreme form of compartmentalizing. Severe memories were handled by ruthie the secret keeper. She set boundaries from the rest of myself to protect me from my own memories. Three of the characters, ruth, marie, and maria, split everyday living up in compartmentalized units that sorted out and dealt with only certain aspects of living. The fifth was sammy, he quietly and unobtrusively protected myself from myself. The jobs were specialized and boundaries were set in my mind that each personality either couldn't or wouldn't cross. The counseling began and KavinCoach focused on bring down my interior walls and taught me how to put up exterior walls. He was in the process of teaching me about 'gates' when he moved. NewCounselor took me further into my exploration of boundaries. I no longer had inner boundaries after integrating. I still forget things but it is the normal type of forgetting not the "you're not allowed to know that" type. Integration made it so I am aware of what is going on in the inside without having to ask one of the other personalities what is going on. I know. That feels so good to write. I know what I did. I take responsibility for it. I remember things like alterations to a recipe without having to write it down in the cookbook. I can protect myself because now I know how to set boundaries in relationships to protect myself from those that could harm me. I no longer feel like I have to stay friends with somebody just because they said hi to me. I can choose who I spend my time with. I can choose what boundaries I have with a person and I can change those boundaries either more open or more closed depending on their behavior. I am learning more and more everyday about thriving, having friends, and taking responsibility for how I feel. This is very cool stuff for me.
I decide which is the right image for me:
4 comments:
It is very cool stuff Ruth. Moving inner boundaries to the outside, taking walls inside yourself between voices and putting them up against the outside voices that take you away from yourself, is very cool indeed. Beautiful photo images.
Interesting to me how you are relating painful inner boundaries that were too strong with weak external boundaries.
Great that you now can know your own mind.
"Severe memories were handled by ruthie the secret keeper."
Great post, Ruth. The above quote reminds me of my DH. I think of him sometimes as being two (or more) different people; one of them is his adult self, and the other one is his selfish/compulsive/impulsive child self (I think of that part of him as his childhood nickname, which "ruthie" reminded me of) DH's inner child is his secret-keeper and we're working to teach that child that secrets aren't acceptable in healthy interpersonal relationships, and certainly not within ourselves. Keeping secrets doesn't help anyone; I think it just destroys us on some level, and can destroy trust in interpersonal relationships as well.
Thanks for sharing this.
Interesting side note: Jimmy Thomas was asked in an interview recently if he ever had problems with fans grabbing him or assaulting him or stalking him in anyway. Fortunately, it was on video, and the look on his face was surprised. I was surprised when he said, "No. Never." As he talked a little more, I realized he was right. He presents himself as very sure of himself, very self-aware, and very respectful of others, expecting respect in return. I think of the work he does, which can be very intimate, and yet he maintains extremely healthy boundaries. It starts with him. I need to learn how to do that.
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