Brilliant idea

My sister, Judy, shared a brilliant idea in the comments yesterday.  "Maybe you need to go at it from a different direction."  She then pointed out that we feel emotionally safe with each other.  I thought of that before.  I know that I am not safe with my mother and I am safe with Judy.  She also shared with how our relationship changed over time on her blog.
Part 1
http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2012/07/02/my-sister-and-me/
Part 2
http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2012/07/03/more-of-my-sister-and-me/

We did not always feel safe with each other.  I started about thinking about this whole thing from a different direction.  Why don't I feel safe?

My childhood sucked.  Our mother would tell Judy how wonderful I was and then tell me how many friends and wonderful Judy was.  Since, I agreed with my mother that Judy was wonderful then mother also pointed out that she did better in elementary school.  My mother didn't say anything that was an out right lie so I didn't disagree, I just felt small.  Less good.  Not valued.  Later in life we finally compared notes and discovered that mother pitted all the children against each other.  Effectively isolating each one of us from the other.  When a child feels isolated, they feel less safe.

Add this to my brother hurting me randomly.  I would be sitting doing my homework at the table he would walk behind me and pop me on the head using his class ring.  Now, many years later, I still duck when he walks behind me.  That is some awesome conditioning.  To me, violence has no rhyme or reason.  There was no cause and effect so in my mind, I don't understand that there is something I can do to protect myself from violence.  If I told my parents, the hitting would get worse and my parents blew it off as no big deal.  "Boys will be boys," was often quoted to me.  Violence had no reason it was just a part of my life.

Add to this that in high school my mother was prescribed lithium.  She decided she didn't like the blah neutral feeling.  She missed the high manic phases of her life.  She took herself off the medication without doctor supervision.  That year was an absolute blur of how to survive and keep my younger brother and sister safe.  Things finally evened out a little by the time I started college.  Plus mother swore up and down that I was the problem in the house and once I was gone all day things would be better.

Add to this was this feeling I had that I wasn't going to live long enough to graduate from high school.  I had no plans.  I had no future in my mind.  It wasn't until I was a senior that I even considered the possibility that I needed to have a plan.  I finally decided on - graduate from high school, go to college, graduate, work, go to Europe, never marry and NEVER have children.  I didn't even have any plans as to what college to go to.  It was just mapped out for my life that is what I was supposed to do.  It wasn't until I was in counseling that I understood that it was more than paranoia that had me thinking this way.  Locked in my memories was good reason to believe that I wouldn't graduate.  I witnessed a knifing at school but was too far away to identify anyone.  I didn't walk down certain hall ways or use designated bathrooms because I was not one of the popular people that could use them.  There were gangs and I wasn't a member of any of them.  I was a 'free' spirit and kids from elementary considered me crazy.  I was but I just didn't know then.  So I learned to walk quickly around the outside of the school and watch my own back to try to survive.  Also the pedophile threatened my life so many times that my attitude became, "So kill me and get it over with." Not an attitude that encourages life long plans.  

Add to this my mother put curtains in my window that were Cafe style which was a ruffle above with a gap then the rest of the curtain.  I begged my mother for different curtains.  I was punished for not being thankful I had a room to sleep in.  I had nightmares for as long as I could remember.  I was punished more than once for crying out in fear.  I was afraid I was being watched through the gap of the curtains.  My mother told me that was ludicrous since it was too far off the ground.  I was  taught that my fears were not important.

The list is impressive and I hadn't even married and gotten out on my own.  I hadn't had children with the huge responsibility of their safety.  Lived in a house without central heating in Washington state.  I would need to stay up to tend the fire so that the kids would be warm while sleeping.  My husband worked on the road.  This list goes on and on and on of why I don't feel safe.

Judy is teaching me how to be safe by example.  I still consider her awesome and so proud of her.  I do feel safe with her.  I understand how we did it.  We promised each other to speak truth.  We consider each other's feelings.  We create a safe environment of allowing the other one to share how they feel without ridicule.  Yea, I really appreciate Judy suggesting that I look at this differently.  Thanks Judy.