Emotional Distance

"The indispensable first step to getting things you want out of life is this: decide what you want."
- Ben Stein

I have come full circle.  June 26 I wrote a post on Emotional Safety.  http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2012/06/emotional-safety.html  I explored it for several posts.  I realize now that the reason I do not understand emotional safety because emotional distant was how I lived every day.  If I didn't allow myself to get emotionally close to someone, you never know if they are emotionally safe or not.  My own earliest memory is from a flashback of nearly drowning in a bathtub.  The location of the flashback was where I lived when I was under 5 years old.  Then there were years of physical and sexual abuse to contend with.  I am starting to understand that if you never feel physically safe, emotionally safe is for 'normies' (people that lead normal lives.)  Just a side note: I am learning that everyone has challenges of one form or another not many 'normies'.  Brought this up with NewCounselor tonight.  I complained about not even feeling safe with myself.  A flashback is not an emotionally safe activity.  NewCounselor than challenged me with how often do I feel in control of myself.  I said higher than 90%.  He told me that most people are happy with 80%.  Really...I hadn't thought about the possibility that I had set myself an impossibly high standard again.   Ok if mostly I am a nice person and keep my emotions under control then I can feel safe with myself.  Kind of cool to think about it.  I feel as if I lifted a huge burden off my shoulders.  I know that I will always stay alert to possible triggers but overall I can relax and enjoy living.  I learned through these past few weeks there are quite a few people that I feel safe with.  I am also learning that part of the reason I ended up in the company of unsafe people was because in my teen years, I was told that a guy puts a lot of courage into asking a girl out.  I was cautioned not to hurt their feelings.  If I didn't feel safe with them, that didn't matter.  I taught my kids if you do not feel comfortable being hugged by someone, don't.  At huge family gatherings, my kids did not have to hug relatives that they barely knew.  I didn't do everything right all the time, but I did teach my kids that they decide who they are comfortable with.  That is when it clicked, people that are emotionally safe, I feel comfortable with them.  If I stop feeling comfortable around a person because of something they did or just a feeling then I shouldn't be around them; I listen to me.  I decide who in my life is safe and who is not.  Unsafe people, where possible, I stay away from them.  If I can't do that with physical distance then I can certainly do it with healthy boundaries.  I love boundaries. 

Toss the dice and hope I am lucky with new people in my life.