Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. - Albert Einstein
Sometimes when I embark on a new area of study, I hit a wall. NewCounselor challenged me saying that I know what emotional safety is. The more I study about it, the more I accept, "NO! I DON'T!" Wading through the more technical papers I am reading the part how PTSD interferes with the physical responses to emotional safety. Instead of functioning at the higher social levels PTSD shoves my reactions down into the fight, flight, or freeze level of reaction. As I am reading, I am getting a clearer and clearer picture that KavinCoach was indeed shocked that functioning as a multiple I could eliminate all emotional or physical response to distress. That requires the ability of the mind to control heart rate, breathing, and muscle reactions in the face. Every so often when I am studying, my world gets turned upside down again. (Heavy sigh.) Apparently, people aren't supposed to have that type of control. More than once when I worked with KavinCoach, I would read different scenarios where this is bad, this one is worse, and this is worse case scenario. Numerous times, I landed in worse case scenario. I wanted to just scream and ask, "Why can't I be something besides worse case scenario?" Instead I would shake my head and plead, "Can I be special some other way?" When I start to doubt my own reality, I remind myself that the first time the audiologist placed the warm wax in my ears to make a mold, I lay on the floor whimpering that I would be good. This is not an adult reaction to fear. This is a child's terror that was never addressed. I still don't remember what might have happened to lead to such a reaction. When I was laid off from my job that I had worked at for 10 years, I showed no emotion. I worked so hard to put together my world and so easily it seems to scramble into chaos. My reality, as a child growing up the safest place in my life was school where I was graded and until high school I did poorly. Yet, school was the safest place. Deep breath. I can do this. I can grasp what emotional safety is and why I don't feel it. I also understand that without knowing what it is, I am not sure how to get there. I would like to feel emotionally safe but I live in an emotional mine field.
Sometimes when I embark on a new area of study, I hit a wall. NewCounselor challenged me saying that I know what emotional safety is. The more I study about it, the more I accept, "NO! I DON'T!" Wading through the more technical papers I am reading the part how PTSD interferes with the physical responses to emotional safety. Instead of functioning at the higher social levels PTSD shoves my reactions down into the fight, flight, or freeze level of reaction. As I am reading, I am getting a clearer and clearer picture that KavinCoach was indeed shocked that functioning as a multiple I could eliminate all emotional or physical response to distress. That requires the ability of the mind to control heart rate, breathing, and muscle reactions in the face. Every so often when I am studying, my world gets turned upside down again. (Heavy sigh.) Apparently, people aren't supposed to have that type of control. More than once when I worked with KavinCoach, I would read different scenarios where this is bad, this one is worse, and this is worse case scenario. Numerous times, I landed in worse case scenario. I wanted to just scream and ask, "Why can't I be something besides worse case scenario?" Instead I would shake my head and plead, "Can I be special some other way?" When I start to doubt my own reality, I remind myself that the first time the audiologist placed the warm wax in my ears to make a mold, I lay on the floor whimpering that I would be good. This is not an adult reaction to fear. This is a child's terror that was never addressed. I still don't remember what might have happened to lead to such a reaction. When I was laid off from my job that I had worked at for 10 years, I showed no emotion. I worked so hard to put together my world and so easily it seems to scramble into chaos. My reality, as a child growing up the safest place in my life was school where I was graded and until high school I did poorly. Yet, school was the safest place. Deep breath. I can do this. I can grasp what emotional safety is and why I don't feel it. I also understand that without knowing what it is, I am not sure how to get there. I would like to feel emotionally safe but I live in an emotional mine field.
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| Falling through the cracks |
4 comments:
The hardest thing to understand is that, most likely for the 1st in our lives, WE are in control of our environment.
NO ONE outside ourselves can tell us how we MUST feel. Counselors, spouses, children, family, friends may try to help/hinder our growth toward feeling emotionally safe but the ultimate RESPONSIBILITY lies within us.
I find that scary as hell but it's getting easier every day!
"Progress not perfection."
Hugs P/M
Thank mulderfan.
Maybe you need to go at it from a different direction.
I think we are emotionally safe with each other. We cry together and laugh together and have expressed hurt as well as anger. If we're having a crabby day, neither one of us worries about whether or not the other will still love us. Isn't that being emotionally safe? Maybe the problem is it's so new you aren't with many people. Don't know if I'm on the right track or not. I'm not stellar at this either.
You are who I thought of then he asked how we got that way. I thought about the effort both of us have put into our relationship. We both chose to be healthy and treat each other with respect. Now I am working on how to I get there with other people too.
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