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Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
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The most extreme boundary violation to skin is sexual abuse. I wrote a post a while back that covers this topic.
http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2012/01/sexual-abuse.html However, there are other boundary violations to skin. Hitting, pinching, burning, are all examples of physical abuse that violates a persons right to the safety of their own skin. Physical abuse is clearly identified. There is another type of violation of skin boundary that is more subtle. No bruises or marks are left. It is that attitude of some people that feel they can touch you any time they wish. Walk past them and they brush against you. They walk up behind you and touch your back, shoulders, or hair without permission. People that are close emotional do enjoy touching each other. But this isn't between people that enjoy a close relationship. Sometimes it is a sibling or a parent that does not respect your need for space. Maybe a coworker or boss that feels it their right to touch you when ever they feel a need to get your attention. I had an experience where a person that knew me well would grab my arm while talking to me. I barely heard what they said because my whole focus was on the desire to get away from them. Teasing or name calling such as, 'ice princess' or 'touch me not' used to ridicule a greater need for physical space. Abuse survivors often have a much greater need for space. I appreciate people that approach me from the front, ask permission to hug me, and respect me if I back away or hold out my hand for a hand shake instead. My skin is my boundary. I like the description in
Boundaries. "The skin boundary keeps the good in and the bad out. It protects your blood and bones, holding them on the inside and all together. It also keeps the germs outside, protecting you from infection." From this statement I understand how basic a right it is for me to decide who can touch me and who can not. I make that decision. Establishing this boundary after someone already feels it is their right to touch you may take planning and possibly consultation with a counselor. When I chose to establish a new physical boundary with a person that made me feel uncomfortable, I talked to KavinCoach and he helped me craft a letter that clearly outlined my expectations. I am getting better at protecting my own skin. It is nice to know this is my body and I can decide who comes in contact with me.
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| I decide how much protection I need. |
2 comments:
Love that Asimov quote - and the graphic.
My NMIL uses touching to push other's boundaries. It's never more than a arm on the back, or a "request" to sit close, or continuing to move closer in my space, despite me moving away. It is so subtle, that it's hard to put into words. I used to think she just lacked the social awareness to understand she was in my space. But I fully believe now that she uses this physical contact to start her process of enmeshment. And I'm often labeled an ice queen if I don't comply. It's maddening.
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