Sounds so simple. Just decide it is there for you. So why didn't I do this sooner....why did I allow myself to suffer so long....why didn't I just change my world by changing my attitude...What was wrong with me?
I knew for years that attitude makes a difference. I knew for years I could only change myself. I knew for years that something was wrong with how I thought and interacted with people. I called it my shadow warrior... knocked me down time and time again. It didn't have a name...just the shadowy specter that took me out. I would pass out. Get up and go again until I passed out again. I searched for answers. I prayed for direction. I inched forward.
For some time, I tried to have a visual that helps me understand what the difference is between mildly depressed and sucked into deep depression. I lived in both but I couldn't work out a way to describe each. In my experience when I want a question answered, I formulate the question then wait. Sometimes, I wait for a long time. This answer came after I ran in the Mud Run last month. When we ran through the shallow puddles of mud we sloshed and slithered but we could stay up right fairly easily. Then there was the mud bog that went half way up our calves. A bit trickier and slower moving through it but still very doable. Then the mud bog deepened, it sloshed to the top of our thighs. Struggling with every step our concern was keep are shoes from being sucked off and keep moving so we wouldn't sink deeper or slip. We stopped looking ahead. Our total focus was moving forward and remaining upright. If someone told us to run through it like we did the shallow puddles, we would have laughed. No way could we move our legs quickly. Fortunately, that was as deep as the mud puddles went during the run. I took time to imagine how I was in my 30's, barely functioning, too sick to care for myself or my family, slogging through at a snails pace. I imagined it would be like mud chest high. Every step forward a major struggle with slithering and tottering from side to side or backwards just as possible as moving forward. I finally understand why some advice given to people suffering from deep depression is such a miss. When my focus is on staying conscious, setting goals and taking on any project is impossible. I couldn't see beyond the depression. It consumed every moment of my day to keep my head above the slime. I needed outside help to understand how to find firmer ground. Questions like "What do you want?" "What do you need?" and "What makes you happy?" seemed nonsensical and a foreign language. The word 'Enough' held no meaning. It was during this time of deep dark depression that I discovered one of the keys to survival.
A do-gooder wanted to fix me so gave me the advice that living is just "Mind over matter." Just Do It. I decided to put her suggestion to the test. I decided I would put the dishes away. I was not washing them...I was putting them away. I finished about half of the dishes then slid down the front of the cabinets and sat there until the older children came home from school. My oldest son took one look at me and ordered me back to bed. I crawled back to bed. I lay there exhausted from my effort and learned, "If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Along with that one, "If you don't want anything, you don't need anything." And sadly, "Happiness is fleeting and will never stay long so enjoy the few moments of time that might light upon you." The advice given to me when I was in deep depression did little to lift me. More than likely added to my burden of what was wrong with me that I could not move forward. Where was my faith? Didn't I pray for help? Was I not praying hard enough? My attitudes helped me survive. I held on. Counseling was the answer to my prayers. I learned that most of what I was taught as a child needed to be pitched and a new foundation replacing the mud bog I struggled in. The shadowy specter had a name, "PTSD with severe dissociation." There was a way out. I just needed to trust a stranger with a PhD after his name. I listened to a new set of instructions. I learned a new way to think. I took the rocky burdens that were slung on my back and used them as stepping stones to get me out. I finally learned that I am enough. I finally found out that Happiness can be my companion, my friend and my best bud. I learned that I can thrive.
2 comments:
You came up with an awesome visual using the deep mud to describe how depression shrinks one's horizon to focus on immediate survival requirements.
Unfortunately, I think being around 'people of the lie' is like being in deep mud. --quartz
The analogy works in several situations.
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