Imagine you are getting ready to go to the prom. You are all dressed up ready to go and someone dumps motor oil all over you. Your date arrives. You can't get it cleaned off but everything you touch seems to get smeared with oil. You get to the dance and your friends come near you but you pull away so the horrible awful oil won't get on them. You hide in the back of the gym afraid and unwilling to dance out on the floor. You don't realize that you are the only one that can see the motor oil all over....then just see you pulling away and refusing to be friends. They don't see that you are trying to protect them from the reeking oil.
Much of the loneliness I subjected myself to is self inflicted. I feel too fragile to hang on and sort out all the mess and be with someone I feel safe with that I want to drop my guard. Yes, I told my secrets but I still feel haunted by them. One of the images that really struck me this week was the image of an old door knob with the message that know one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I am pulled by my desire to interact and be friends with a desire to pull back regroup and stay alone.
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| Floating around inside my bubble |
6 comments:
Blossom used to withdraw from the love of her family being sure she's unworthy of love. Let's explore mechanism of protection by withdrawal.
By withdrawing from love or friendship we give many signals away to other people (they don't necessarily are aware of our true motives when we don't communicate our thoughts about true motives with them), what they can feel/think:
- I'm unworthy of her/his love/friendship, s/he doesn't care about me and my feelings, s/he doesn't want to speak with me, how do I deserve such treatment when I truly love him/her as a family member/friend
- It hurts very much, why s/he is isolating her/himself, why s/he slams the door in my face, s/he could feel better having company
- I'm tired of running after her/him being given no word of appreciation, not even being noticed, or treated badly, angrily, I give up, that's not good.
The other person says nothing, doesn't engage in a conversation having in mind that a monologue Is a conversation (which obviously isn't). What could possibly cause such effect, I'd say loneliness - when you have noone to talk to, you start talking to yourself and you answer yourself as well.
Magical thinking. ' They don't see that you are trying to protect them from the reeking oil.'
Of course they don't see that. They perceive your behaviour and their own feelings and thoughts as a reaction to your behaviour (withdrawing). They don't know about oil, or about 'conviction of being unworthy of love', they have no idea how this oil could be transfered onto them. They don't know what you mean, what oil is. Is it the physical abuse? As long as you are not going to physically abuse anybody transfer cannot occur.
I read fragments of your blog and think that elements of Intermittent Explosive Disorder may not be out of question. That could be preventing you from speaking with people, although you crave it very much, just you are sure how you are going to react and that conversation will end badly. You don't quite see PTSD fits well in here, you have bouts of depression and difficulties engaging in conversation.
All in all withdrawal doesn't solve anything, on the contrary, makes it worse keeping you isolated. You don't speak with others and this skill deteriorates, you are not so sure you can do it anymore - this affects your self-esteem. Of course you may rationalize it the way you do, 'I protect people from being slapped by uncontrollable anger', but does it really help? They are not being slapped, you are isolated with no opportunity to make any progress. You know, it all depends on you, on what You want. I think you can make it better, but you need to talk with people.
Don't just assume, test reality, ask questions, make clear requests: 'Hey Anon, can you take a look at my writing, here's my blog' etc. Perhaps 99 Anons won't but 1 will - that's something (one did anyway, does it mean clear communication is useless?)
If someone is hump-backed would you recommed isolation? Well? What if such a person walks slowly and I walk fast and I trip over and fall all over their hump and my teeth fall out (hell, yeah I've got expensive crowns after yyyyyears of undiagnosed thyroid disease; do you imagine what this can do to your teeth even though you practically live at your dentist's?). To hell with people with humps, something must be done, I'm not going to pay for another set of damn crowns because of slow hump-backed people, let's isolate them, they can't walk freely as we all can fall and lose expensive crowns because of them. Dentists ought to go as well, bloodsuckers!
Or maybe just thyroid disease has to be treated?
So much no one sees because it's become such a habit to shield others. We were taught to clean up our mess, and to make sure everything was spotless again. It's tough enough trying to clean myself up without having to clean up everyone I come in contact with too...
You are right Judy. It was our 'job' to keep things 'in' the family.
Anon I agree with you that withdrawal doesn't solve anything...I am a little confused where you went with your example about physical illness and hump-back needing to be isolated. I didn't say that the fear made sense. May I suggest Anon reading my book at the bottom of the webpage? It gives a little fuller description of integration. You need to click on the link to be able to read the book and that will clarify some of what you are questioning. Thanks for leaving your comment, gave me some things to think about.
Hi Ruth, When soldiers who are suffering from PTSD return to civilian life they see everyone as a potential threat because they cannot switch off their hyper-vigilance that protected them whilst in danger. Other forms of PTSD must be the same.
After all how can we be sure who to trust when we have been betrayed? An abuser damages their victims feeling of purity and worth.
Don't blame yourself for somebody else's crime they go for the vulnerable and are just evil! It is tricky to know who to tell, not everyone has empathy and compassion.
Love, Molly
Ruth, I don't think past is more important than the future (with all respect for your writing). To me, it is clear enough when you write 'we are one'. Staying integrated or not is only and entirely up to you. I accept you the way you are. Your call to accept yourself and the simple fact that I accept you. Many things do not make sense, yet they exist and that's how it is. Hump-backs or whatever else.
Thanks Molly, I work at not blaming myself. I am getting better at it. Learning to recognize that other people behave differently than my abusers is quite a delight.
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