Wednesday, August 31, 2016

No growth

is sometimes good.  Brain my brain tumor remained the same size for 2 years.  Woohoo.  I don't go back to the doctor for 2 more years. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Fun in Dysfunctional

My counselor once told me that the family I grew up in put the Fun in Dysfunctional.  Someone posted an article on the 6 Big Mistakes that Destroy Families.  The family I grew up in scored 6 out of 6.

1. Insults and Criticism

2. Gossip

3. Lack of Inclusion

4. Deception and Lies

5. Failure to Accept Differences

6. No Apologies and No Forgiveness

Some of these leaked into my family of choice.  Clearing them out.  Changing direction of a family takes time and effort.  I endured so much as a kid.  I didn't know enough soon enough when I raised my kids.  I believe in apologies.  I believe in including everyone.   I believe that each one of my children are amazingly different and wonderful each in their own right.  I believe that insults and criticism works like acid in any relationship.  Gossip hurts everyone including the ones spreading it.  Sadly, people tend to do and say things to family members that they would never say or do to anyone else.  Becoming healthy myself, I want those around me to be healthy too.  I believe this is how we grow helping each other to become our best selves.  We don't have to agree to help someone succeed. 







Sunday, August 28, 2016


Thank you to my awesome friend in Canada for posting this. 

"Rather than fighting for every woman’s right to feel beautiful, I would like to see the return of a kind of feminism that tells women and girls everywhere that maybe it’s all right not to be pretty and perfectly well behaved. That maybe women who are plain, or large, or old, or differently abled, or who simply don’t give a damn what they look like because they’re too busy saving the world or rearranging their sock drawer, have as much right to take up space as anyone else.
I think if we want to take care of the next generation of girls we should reassure them that power, strength and character are more important than beauty and always will be, and that even if they aren’t thin and pretty, they are still worthy of respect. That feeling is the birthright of men everywhere. It’s about time we claimed it for ourselves."~ Internal Acceptance Movement

Acceptance is a beautiful thing that has nothing to do with what we see in the mirror.   

My one and only mud run.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Meme I agree with

Found on Facebook.... I don't know who originally posted it.  I tried the site it came from but it was like falling into a very scary rabbit hole.  Back away slowly.....back button back button. 

What doesn't kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping skills and a really dark sense of humor.  

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Failure is a beginning

My friend shared this on Facebook so I went searching for  Utube I could share:

Legend of J.K. Rawling.....

This video is another one on people failing before succeeding.

This one has music added.

I hit rock bottom before I was willing to talk to a counselor.  I landed at rock bottom numerous times.  My counselor asked me what the advantage of hitting rock bottom.  I quipped, "It's familiar territory."  After laughing, my counselor pointed out, I know how to get it out again.

I also learned that when you hit rock bottom you may discover that Christ is the rock at the bottom.  He has descended below us all.  He knows about healing because he has felt our pain.

I've struggled up from the bottom more than once. 

Friday, August 19, 2016

Did not drop off the face of the Earth

Hello I am loving the Olympics.  I hope you are too. Only two more days. 

I am enjoying watching the amazing Olympics.  I am thrilled at the successes and deeply saddened by the falls and slips, especially when someone else falls and wipes out their competitor.  Years of work and dreams and goals obliterated in split second decisions.  I feel fortunate that I can't hear many of the judges comments.  I simply enjoy the magnificent performance of talented hard working people that followed a dream to the Olympics.  I am also astounded with the variety of backgrounds and personalities of the atheletes.  I am frustrated that some of the things I enjoy are not 'popular enough' to be broadcasted.  Missed out on the horses, Judo, and several other events.  I am also impartial as to what country a person is from.  I am delighted to have an arm chair seat to view something amazing. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Time out

Yup I'm taking time out to watch the Olympics.  I cheer for every winner and feel sad for everyone that doesn’t do what they trained to do.  A fall is heart breaking to me, so much work to be lost in seconds.  I also feel sad for those that win and act if it is no big deal.  I was delighted to watch the ladies on the USA gymnastics team swarm around their team mate that secured their goal.  To me, this is what the Olympics is all about, bringing together those that worked so hard and achieve their dreams.  Gives me hope.  Yes, I still remember watching Nadia Comaneci in 1976 and Olga Korbut in 1972, these new wins do not dim their successes but add to the richness of my experience.  I feel so much when watching the Olympics.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Students are back

After a two month break from school, our students are back.  My new assignment is floral and fashion.  However, there are grumblings of that changing soon.  I was hired under one type of goals for my job and they changed over the years I have been there.  I am learning I can be flexible without burying myself.  I can help others without being a doormat.  I can challenge others ideas without stepping all over them.  I can check in and request suggestions for improvement without being wiped out if I need to make changes.  I am stronger now than I ever believed possible and in this paradoxical process I am more open and vulnerable.  My counselor predicted I would arrive at this place of strength with empathy.  I am glad he was right. 

Thursday, August 4, 2016

No reason

Nailed it.  I enjoyed reading this article.  He points out that the phrase "everything happens for a reason" is not very comforting for most abuse survivors.

 I really like his conclusion:

No I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe there is meaning in how we respond to all things that happen to us, even when they are not at all good things.

My counselor shared another point of view.  Things happen when people make stupid choices.  Things happen because we were there when someone made stupid choices.  This morning was a great example.  I have a 30 minute commute on the freeway to go to work.  This morning I had to brake to avoid hitting a person that swerved into my lane to prevent hitting a slow poke merging into his lane.  Domino affect, but it had nothing really to do with me.  First I was terrified....I felt anger briefly then I thought how blessed I was that my brakes work very well and we all missed each other.  Cool.  For some people they search for meaning to try to make sense of their world.  But sometimes people choose to make other people suffer.  Trying to make meaning or justify their behavior eventually invalidates the victim.  Making them a needed target.  Nobody needs to be made a target.  We are born into a violent crazy world.  Bad stuff happens to everybody.  I was persecuted by my pedophile neighbor because I lived on the same street.  I did nothing wrong.  He had no reason to hurt me other than he enjoyed hurting people.  He made lousy choices I suffer the consequences.  It sucks.  I find no comfort in someone telling me what happened to me was for a reason.  I do believe that if I am determined God will help me turn it into something good.  I chose to share in this blog my experience in the hope someone can learn something good from my experiences.  I use my understanding of abuse to have compassion for the students in the inner-city school I work at.  Heavenly Father is awesome at taking something horrible, like Joseph sold into slavery by his brothers into something awesome when Joseph saved Egypt by preparing for the famine.  I can tear myself up trying to understand the reason behind my abuser's behavior.  Or I can take this mess and make something amazing out of it.  I am choosing the later.  My abuser's reasoning is his problem not mine.  Dwelling on understanding his thinking, to me, is a waste of my time.  Sometimes people do dumb stuff and that is the reason somethings happen.  I prefer to be involved with people that with reason and planning bring about wonderful things.  I think that is one of the reasons I enjoy working at the school.  Teachers are working hard to make amazing things happen. 

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

So it begins

First two days of back at school, my butt hurts from having to sit in horribly uncomfortable chairs for meetings.  Luckily after the second meeting today we were able to get cookies, two please.  I am feeling ready to be back.  I have a new teacher to work with.  She is young and excited about her new challenge of teaching fashion.  It feels nice to see someone wanting passionately to do what she is doing.  Preparing to see students on Monday.  Fortunately tomorrow, I have fewer meetings. 

On your mark, get set.........GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!