Monday, January 30, 2017

Need to Play

Rush rush rush...

Rush to talk
Rush to walk
Rush rush rush

Rush to school
Rush to learn
Rush rush rush

Rush to grow up
Rush to graduate
Rush rush rush

Rush to work
Rush to deadlines
Rush rush rush

Rush on the freeway
Rush on the way home
Rush rush rush

I work with Early Childhood Education program at our school.  Part of the lessons teaches high school students the importance of play for children.  As I work more on growing healthy, adults need to play too.

Link to article about children need to play:

  • playing helps children expand their understanding of themselves and others, their understanding of the physical world, and their ability to communicate with others
  • recreation creates the basis for a great foundation in all areas of life
  • play teaches the basics that every person needs to know for the real world, things such as:
    • You don’t always win
    • Good Sportsmanship
    • Take turns
    • Colors
    • Reading
    • Strategy
    • Math awareness
    • Cooperation
    • Memorization
    • Creativity
    • Self Confidence
I know that I needed to build self confidence, unleash my creativity, improve my memory, learn to cooperate,  yup, right up the line I benefit from play.  I am playing an online game.  Sudokus and crossword puzzles are part of my routine to healthier brain.  I decided to try Lumosity.  However, I have to set some boundaries.  I put time limits on how long I play.  I allow myself to make mistakes in the game or puzzle without condemning myself.  I am practicing cooperation on Happy Acres.
I'm having fun. I'm adding painting abstract and drawing to my activities.  I am learning to slow down the rush and enjoy events, people, activities and living. 

For Moms

Found on facebook....thanks for sharing.....simple reminder to Moms

To the mom hiding in her bathroom, needing peace for just one minute, as the tears roll down her cheeks..
To the mom who is so tired she feel likes she can't function anymore and would do anything to lay down and get the rest she needs...
To the mom sitting in her car, alone, stuffing food in her face because she doesn’t want anyone else to see or know she eats that stuff…
To the mom crying on the couch after she yelled at her kids for something little and is now feeling guilty and like she is unworthy…
To the mom that is trying desperately to put those old jeans on because all she really wants is to look in the mirror and feel good about herself…
To the mom that doesn’t want to leave the house because life is just too much to handle right now…
To the mom that is calling out for pizza again because dinner just didn’t happen the way she wanted it to…
To the mom that feels alone, whether in a room by herself or standing in a crowd...
You are enough.
You are important.
You are worthy.
This is a phase of life for us. This is a really really hard, challenging, crazy phase of life.
In the end it will all be worth it. But for now it’s hard. And it's hard for so many of us in many different ways. We don't always talk about it, but it's hard and it's not just you.
You are enough.
You are doing your best.
Those little eyes that look up at you - they think you are perfect. They think you are more than enough.
Those little hands that reach out to hold you - they think you are the strongest. They think you can conquer the world.
Those little mouths eating the food you gave them - they think that you are the best because their bellies are full.
Those little hearts that reach out to touch yours - they don’t want anything more. They just want you.
Because you are enough. You are more than enough, mama.
You. Are. Amazing.
By: Bethany Jacobs

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Another explanation

One of the challenges of sharing my experience with dissociation is how I experienced is different than how other people experience the feelings.  It is difficult to describe something that I barely understand myself.  I came across an article that attempts to explain dissociation disorders.  I read the link and found that some parts are very similar to what I feel but others are quite different.  Treatment used with me was a combination of techniques honed by my counselors 30 years of experience and a PhD.  I was still able to surprise him from time to time.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Normal...sort of

Medical tests came back....I'm on the low end of normal for thyroid, my blood pressure is on the high end of normal, and I am really allergic to something not yet identified.  Problems come in 3s, 4s, 5s or any other number they want to.  But the doctor said that all my medical tests came back in the normal range.  However, due to the extreme allergy to something, I will be a card carrying EpiPen carrier.  I talked to my doctor and asked about the outrageous price hike on Epi Pens....apparently the price is back down and the company is sporting a bit of a black eye and loss of a great deal of respect.  Selfish people never see past their own needs to the big picture of sharing space on this planet. I do have several medications now to put my body back on the mend.  2016 was a rough year and I am still experiencing the fallout.  I did two good things, I brought my information from one doctor to update the records kept by my primary care doctor.  Plus, I checked in to find out if I need another specialist or did they have another option.  Yup, my doctor does allergy tests.  She also has a friend that deals with extreme allergies so had a little better understanding from a personal perspective.  Thankful to find an excellent primary care physician and his assistants. 

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Slow Down

The first time I read this poem it was part of a hoax email.  But I love the poem.  I used Snopes to find out the true author.  Here's a link to David Weatherford:

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round? 
Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground? 
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight? 
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night? 
You better slow down. 
Don't dance so fast. 
Time is short. 
The music won't last. 

Do you run through each day on the fly? 
When you ask, “How are you?” 
Do you hear the reply? 
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed, 
with the next hundred chores running through your head? 
You'd better slow down 
Don't dance so fast. 
Time is short 
The music won't last. 

Ever told your child, 
We'll do it tomorrow? 
And in your haste, 
Not see his sorrow? 
Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die 
Cause you never had time 
To call and say,'Hi' 
You'd better slow down. 
Don't dance so fast. 
Time is short. 
The music won't last.. 

When you run so fast to get somewhere, 
You miss half the fun of getting there. 
When you worry and hurry through your day, 
It is like an unopened gift.... 
Thrown away. 
Life is not a race. 
Do take it slower 
Hear the music 
Before the song is over.

Surviving takes up so much time that sometimes I forget about living.  This poem is a reminder that the butterflies, friends, kids at the park, slowing down is what living is all about.  Have a beautiful day.  

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Testing done

Now waiting for the results.  I think there should be background music....something like 'Jaws' if the answer is more problems or something fun like 'Beer Barrel Polka' if all is well.  I did get a bit sarcastic when I was asked if I was effected by cold.  I walked in from 60 degree F weather with a coat, sweater, and scarf.  Yes, I am cold constantly.  Did you know that if you shiver for about 20 to 30 minutes your whole body aches like you had a tough work out.  Too bad it doesn't burn that many calories. 

 I am finding new resources and web pages to explore.  I found this page after reading one of their articles they posted on Facebook.  With a bit of exploration they look fairly credible.  I haven't checked every page but the ones I browsed look like some promising resources and perhaps future blog posts.

Friday, January 13, 2017

One Done, One to go

These last 6 weeks have this constant energy drain of unknowns with my body.  I had emergency surgery with biopsies the first part of December.  I had to wait until today to hear the results.  This morning I accepted in my mind the possibility I have cancer, again.  I felt a tremendous relief when the biopsies all came back negative for cancer.  The doctor suspects the underlying problem is allergies.  Apparently, I am eating something in my diet that is causing swelling in my esophagus.  So I am looking for a good allergist that might help me track down what I eat that creates the internal swelling.  Does my body cooperate and tell me what I need to know? No.  I do know it gets worse I am stressed, in a hurry, or general raise in anxiety for any reason.  Guess what?  Allergies get worse in these same conditions.  I had this problem for over 15 years and this is the first doctor that suggested checking to see what I am allergic to.  Monday and Tuesday are my 2 day thyroid test….and I wonder why I dread seeing doctors.  Oh yea, the stress of not having a clue why my body does what it does and relying on a person I just met to tell me what would be the best course of action.  Trust issues can really interfere with getting proper medical care.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Snap Snarl and Growl

I didn't realize how much my medication helped even out my sleep, moods, and general outlook on life.  Thyroid medicine makes a difference.  Not taking it I am watching my sleep deteriorate, my concentration sucks, and I'm craving salt of all things.  I envy a cow or a horse having a salt lick.  I've devoured almost an entire bag of salty corn chips.  I snapped at a student, tried to pick a fight, then laughed with my sister with that sound on the edge of hysteria.  I sometimes wonder if doctors think through what these tests do to their patients.  For one, I lost my patients.  I wish I could just stay home and curl up in a ball for 5 more days.  This had better work....just say'n.

Monday, January 9, 2017


I was worried with going off my thyroid medicine would toss me back into deep depression.  I realized my body feels depressed but my emotions are functioning.  In the last two weeks I had highs and lows, I'm feeling all of them.  My emotions are varied.  I am learning that sad is different from depression.  Sad for an identifiable reason, like pointing to a bruise and saying it hurts here.  Happy can intermingle with sad.  I was sad our dog died but I was relieved she was out of pain and able to run again in Heaven...yes, I believe all dogs go to Heaven.  Going off my thyroid medicine is messing with me in several other unpleasant ways.  One of the tough ones is having a chill down.  The room is normal temperature or even hot and I am shivering like I am barefoot in the snow.  My body aches after shivering for 20 or 30 minutes.  Blankets help, sometimes I resort to hot chocolate to warm from the inside out.  I don't know how to describe this feeling of feeling cold inside no matter what the outside temperature might be.  Insomnia is worse.  Sleeping is worse.  I am craving salt like crazy.  I bought a bag of salty corn chips and almost finished them myself within a few days.  This is what gets tricky about PTSD and illness and what is normal any way?  Oh yea, a setting on the drier.  Next week I take the medical test that I went off my medication for to prepare my body to share what is happening inside.  I wonder if doctors ever stop to think what will happen to their client when they ask them to endure some of these tests? 

Sunday, January 8, 2017


I am sad today.  Our dog Tera died last Friday in here sleep.  We found out about a month ago that the lumps under her fur were cancer in several places in her body.  I am thankful to my sister who tenderly cared for her in ways that I don't know how to do.

She loved chasing balls. 

Monday, January 2, 2017

Looking back to move forward

I spend the time between Christmas and New Year looking back to move forward.  I use the time to review how I did this past year to see what I need to do this next year.  This year was a tough year.  I've had tougher but not many.  Physical health took a dump.  Family relations are strained.  Emotional resilience is suffering.  This year was tough.  So now what?

I am adding more consistent scripture study.  That is enlightening.  I am noticing that when people quote scriptures they tend to cherry pick and take things out of context.  I am taking the time to put these scriptures back into context and reading what comes before and after.  WOW.  Some of them get watered down and diluted when taken out of context.  That is going well. 

I am doing less photography but staying more engaged in activities.  Photography tends to put the camera between me and what I am experiencing.  I am working at connecting more in now situations.  I still enjoy photography but I work at not allowing photography be an escape from connecting. 

I bought a bunch of art supplies that I plan to do more art in the coming year.  I am looking forward to doing that. 

I looked at a cooking class and decided with extreme food restrictions for the next while cooking isn't much fun.  I did have fun making rice crispy treats and I have more to make.  Looking forward to that.  I am also reading a children's cookbook.  It takes things back to the very basics.  I still enjoy watching cooking shows. 

I am crocheting more and I am learning new patterns.  That is a continued goal from this past year.

I am analyzing how to best approach the problems facing my parents as they age.  Some I am walking away from.  Others I feel a heavy sense of responsibility.  Not sure what I want to do with this one.  This is when I wish I could talk to my first counselor.  He would always tell me he wasn't God and didn't know the answers.  I would reply he knew more than I did about relationships and feelings.  He always agreed with that.  His words are in a notebook that I am reading slowly.  Maybe I should up the reading in his book?  I'll think on that one.   

School is better than ever.  This is one bright highlight of this year.  After last year with teachers leaving mid year and ending up being a substitute to this year I am now working with 3 excellent teachers, big improvement. 

Physical health is a mess.  I gained back all the weight I lost plus 20 lbs more.  It sucked.  I finally ate whatever because it sucked to work hard and watch the weight pack back on.  My yearly physical revealed my thyroid has gone haywire.  It quit working years ago, I didn't know it could mess up so much.  My stomach problem is back, my last doctor said it would come back to haunt me.  So annoying and frustrating.  I am aware of what I need to do, as I have strength I am working at getting diet and exercise back on track.  I am hoping sleep will improve when I am doing better in other areas.  Aging is tough.  I like the bumper sticker that says, "Growing old is not for sissies." 

I am hopeful that resolving to make healthy choices spiritually, emotionally, and physically, I'll get on track to a much better year this year.  I learned years ago that simple adjustments to what I do with my life are more effective than attempting drastic changes.  I've done drastic changes but I do better when the adjustments are small, consistent and long term. 

To read further about small changes you can read my earlier post:

Inching along into the New Year.