Monday, May 25, 2020

Not just another day

Recently with working from home one day blends into the next but today is not just another day.  Today was Memorial Day.  A time when we honor those that gave their lives so we can live ours.  To men and women who died in circumstances that are heart breaking.  We sometimes take too lightly what their sacrifice means.  Sadly, I was a teenager in the 70's and watched the war protests, the vicious way soldiers were treated, man's cruelty and blaming the wrong people for what was happening.  I am thankful to those that felt duty bound or drafted to serve sometimes for things they did not believe in.  Sometimes there are no easy answers.  However, I was raised in hatred and fear, sometimes the only answer left is to fight back.  Not the first choice but there are people through out the World that wish to force their ideals and beliefs on others and have no problem killing to get what they want.  It is somber for me to think about the cruelty soldiers faced when they came home.  Some times the toughest battles are not fought in the battle field but in our own hearts and minds.  Some died and others came home seriously damaged none were unaffected.  I ponder if I am living a life that honors their sacrifice. 

Sunday, May 17, 2020

100 books

I was given a list of 100 books to read about PTSD/CPTSD.  I have not read most of them.  I did read a bunch of books, not all of these, however.

Many of the books now available were published after I was in counseling, a lot of the information is new.  CPTSD wasn't even used yet. However, I did read many books.  The ones that connected with me I share on my resource page.

I do not recommend all of these books.  Pick and choose.  Many of them are military based.  Much of the information I use is from military PTSD web pages.  I was never in the military but their articles helped me cope with symptoms of PTSD.  It was an article about taking martial arts that got me to try Karate.  The results were amazing.  It also helped that my teacher is trauma aware.  I actually had a complete melt down in class.  The next week I tried to apologize.  He told me I had nothing to apologize for.  I am now in my 5th year....and were are having class on Zoom.  It helped me feel like I can control my body in all situations.  Cool stuff for me.  My confidence grew in leaps and bounds when I mastered ground defense requiring me to do a diving forward roll.  Serious stuff when I am over 60 years old.  The article was right, it helped me gain confidence that I never had before.  I would say this list is simply a suggestion list and one more resource not a to-do list. 

Take care and enjoy your day. 

Crochet-a-longs are another thing that are helping me to build my skills and confidence.  Thanks to Mikey from TheCrochetCrowd.

Friday, May 15, 2020

Now I've done it

I shoved stuff into one room for over 15 years.  My son-in-law is getting me to listen to Bob Proctor which is a way of thinking that I believe but don't do.  As I listened all weekend to the different speeches, I realized the gap between saying I will clean that room and actually doing it was commitment.  I started pulling things out and throwing things a way and discovering I had boxes in front of empty shelves.  Some stuff I actually want to save.  In one box I found hair from several of my kids first hair cuts.  I am designating the box as "You can throw this away when I die" box....but instead of 3 boxes I am consolidating down to one and pitching some of the stuff without names since I don't know who it belongs to anyway.  I spent the week looking at Mother's Day cards with little hand prints from my now adult children.  I actually shared some of the stuff with a couple of grandkids to let them see things when their daddy was small.  My living room is now a mess.  I am looking at it like a can of worms and wondering how on earth I am going to cram that back in.  Key....throw away more stuff.  Keep what really brings me joy.  I found information from doing a play years ago, it was a miserable experience.  I pitched all the stuff from that.  I don't need reminders of pain any more.  The talks during the weekend talked about digging deeper into your behavior and shifting how you think which in turn will change your behavior.  For this room, it is taking a bunch of shifting.

I also accepted that there was a reason I kept stuff that was sad, mad, and ugly.  Growing up these things were not allowed so my mother would rewrite history.  I would keep the sad, mad, and ugly to prove those things happened.  I needed proof to validate the way I felt.  I don't need to have that proof any more.  I know what happened and I don't need to prove it to anyone.  Throw the stuff away.  It is ok.  I still struggle with the idea I have to prove my perspective is valid.  I am taking Flylady's ( suggestion to take pictures of some things and throw the object away.  I have a long ways to go in the cleaning process but the first time in 10 years, I am seeing progress and floor space... amazing. 

Some memories are worth keeping.  

Friday, May 8, 2020

Not broken

I worked on cleaning up my files and discovered that I missed a bunch of comments.  Apparently in my day to day living they scrolled on by before I saw them so I am now caught up according to my information.  If I ever miss a comment, please understand it is not you.  I insist on approving each and every one so it becomes dependent on me not having a bad day.  Not so good this year.

I was feeling all wore out and tired from digging through mountains of clutter.  I have a talent for making mountains out of mole hills due to neglect.  Or the cartoon I found was I am not a nit picker but the cartoon stated, "If it weren't for us nit pickers, we would be up to our knees in nits."  The piles are well past my knees.  I took a break and found this posted by my daughter...I love it.

Me: Hey God.
God: Hello.....
Me: I'm falling apart. Can you put me back together?
God: I would rather not.
Me: Why?
God: Because you aren't a puzzle.
Me: What about all of the pieces of my life that are falling down onto the ground?
God: Let them stay there for a while. They fell off for a reason. Take some time and decide if you need any of those pieces back.
Me: You don't understand! I'm breaking down!
God: No - you don't understand. You are breaking through. What you are feeling are just growing pains. You are shedding the things and the people in your life that are holding you back. You aren't falling apart. You are falling into place. Relax. Take some deep breaths and allow those things you don't need anymore to fall off of you. Quit holding onto the pieces that don't fit you anymore. Let them fall off. Let them go.
Me: Once I start doing that, what will be left of me?
God: Only the very best pieces of you.
Me: I'm scared of changing.
God: I keep telling you - YOU AREN'T CHANGING!! YOU ARE BECOMING!
Me: Becoming who?
God: Becoming who I created you to be! A person of light and love and charity and hope and courage and joy and mercy and grace and compassion. I made you for more than the shallow pieces you have decided to adorn yourself with that you cling to with such greed and fear. Let those things fall off of you. I love you! Don't change! ... Become! Become! Become who I made you to be. I'm going to keep telling you this until you remember it.
Me: There goes another piece.
God: Yep. Let it be.
Me: So ... I'm not broken?
God: Of course Not! - but you are breaking like the dawn. It's a new day. Become!!! 

~Author Unknown

Wednesday, May 6, 2020


During this time of enforced stay at home, I am delving deep into my history and cleaning out my craft/storage room.  I can barely walk in there.  Years of 'shove it in and shut the door' made the room unusable.  At first I simply dabbled at moving the junk around.  I realized the only way to clean it out is to CLEAN IT OUT!!!!  I pulled out half a bed frame.  From the location I am guessing at least 10 to 15 years ago.  No idea where the rest of the bed is located.  Out and gone.  There is easy stuff like that and then there are "Oh Sh%#@!" boxes.  Memories stuffed away raw unprocessed sitting there waiting to rip back carefully healed scars.  One of them was Kissy. 

The saga of Kissy.  Like any little girl watching TV just before Christmas, commercials were vying for attention.  One was a cuddly little Kissy doll and the other Chatty Cathy.  I first fell in love with the little soft Kissy doll then changed my mind.  However, my mother already bought the Kissy doll for my present.  She decided to take the Kissy doll back to the store and wait for me to make up my mind.  Sure enough, Christmas Eve at the top of my Santa letter I wrote I wanted a Kissy doll.  By this time, the stores were closed. (This was well before the all night Christmas eve shopping binges.)  Christmas Kissy doll.  Plenty of other stuff but not the doll I wanted.  My mother decided to get me a Kissy doll and let me earn it.  When she went back to the store, the half price toy sales were on.  This larger, hard plastic Kissy doll was available for the same price as the smaller doll.  My mother's way of thinking that bigger was better.  She brought it home.  She and my Dad told me the doll would be mine after I worked for it.  But it wasn't soft or cuddly and it was humongous, NOT the doll I wanted at any time.  Since it was a sell item, she couldn't take it back.  I worked what seem liked forever for this doll I did not want.  I kept the doll.  For about 50 years....well actually I left it at home expecting my mother to throw it away like she did everything else.  Nope she saved it.  When we moved back to the area she wanted me to take it off her hands and once again here I was stuck with a doll I never wanted in the first place.  Shove it in the closet and forget about it.  Only I didn't forget about it.  Every time I stumbled across it was this tautening doll that my mother had no idea who I was or what I wanted.  I kept the very thing that caused me pain from the beginning.  Time to let go.  Time to say good-bye to sadness.  I am giving it away outside the family because the hurt and pain need to be cleaned out of the wounds.  I realized as I contemplated this post.  Kissy is the reason I didn't set goals.  If I set a goal, had a wish, or wanted something, that would be taken away and replaced with something I did not want with the expectation that I was lazy, terrible child if I didn't want what they wanted me to want and work to earn it.  Kissy represented all the times in my life I had the taunting, "You want it, you can't have it."  It was less painful not to want anything at all.  If I didn't want anything, then there was nothing for them to take away. 

Monday, May 4, 2020

My morning walk

Good morning.  It is a beautiful and soon to be hot day here in Arizona.  I decided to share my morning walk with you....enjoy....

Sunday, May 3, 2020

Gratitude for all things

I listened to a 3 day seminar about improving my life.  One of the videos shared was one about Gratitude...for those that enjoy meditation I think it is beautifully done.

One of the amazing things I learned years ago when at church they gave us the challenge to keep a gratitude journal.  I did for a time.  This is what I learned.  There is a constant flow of blessings.  When I receive all things with gratitude, I find the gifts hidden in the challenges.  One quick example was the day I was laid off from being a computer tech.  My children were worried that I would be terribly upset.  I wasn't.  I felt such gratitude from being released from a miserable job that I felt bond to continue because the people that originally hired me gave me a chance.  Over the years at the job, my position was restructured.  I went from the best job ever to a hostile boss that wanted to find a reason to fire me.  The stress was tremendous.  It was also during the time I was in counseling.  The blessing there, I needed to learn some skills like boundaries and standing up for myself.  My therapist asked me if I liked this negative boss.  Nope.  So the poor boss became my guinea pig to work on developing these skills I needed to learn.  Much better to try things out on this unpleasant boss rather than someone I wanted to still like me after the learning process.  Learning can be messy.  I discovered inadvertently that every unpleasant situation is laced with opportunities and blessings would flow from them. 

Gratitude is an emotion that is a helper emotion.  Helps me through sad times and tough times.  Helps me when I am feeling grief or unappreciated.  Talking to one of my therapist he challenged me to find the blessings it what happened to me in my childhood.  Tough one to think about.  I do not feel gratitude that my mother hated me.  I do feel gratitude that I was able to see her emotion was not about me.  I do not feel gratitude for the cruelty of my neighbor.  I am searching for ways to use what I learned to bless others.  I feel grateful to internet and blogs to be able to share hard learned lessons that others may see their is hope in their situation.  Sometimes seeing the blessings and feeling the gratitude is a challenge but I am blessed when I can do it. 

Enjoy your day.