Monday, June 22, 2020

Added guilt

Guilt is an important quality to a certain degree and type.  If you hurt someone, you should feel guilty for doing the other person harm.  Some people might call it their "Jiminy Cricket" prompting them to do the right thing.  However, there is another type of guilt that is far more destructive.  It is the guilt passed from abuser to victim that is more like a swarm of locust poised to destroy peace of mind and sometimes the person.  These are the shaming blaming behaviors that the abuser blames the victim for their behavior.  The screams of rage, "You made me do this. If you were good I wouldn't beat you." Or some other variation that implies that the abusers erratic and irrational behavior is the victims fault.  A friend on Facebook shared an article that is helping me wrap my mind around this difficult issue.

I like this article because it breaks down the guilt monster into 3 components...

No one wants to see your feelings.
Your feelings are shameful.
There is something wrong with you.

I learned to hide my feelings so well, I hid them from myself; also known as dissociation. I feel ashamed when I had feelings of anger and most of my other emotions. I got the message loud and clear there was something wrong with me.  I was damaged, faulty, making mistakes, stupid and the list of things that I was went on and on and on.  No doubt in my mind there was something wrong with me.  Then came counseling.  Trying to undo all this brainwashing crap took time and effort, I am a work in progress.  I am still working out that my feelings are important and valid; most importantly I was just a little kid tried to cope in a bizarre situation.  I want this article to go back to and review again how I am doing at recognizing what is my responsibility and what was shoved off to me by my abusers.  Kind of difficult when they feelings feel so similar.  I finally hit on the idea of whose problem is it, and who has control of the out come.  If it is me, then I need to pay attention to those feelings of guilt so I can apologize and work towards better relationships.  If it is their responsibility, time to strength my boundaries and clarify that they can't treat me like that.  It is definitely a work in progress. 

Monday, June 15, 2020

You Tube helper

Ever wish there was someone you could ask Fix it questions without emotional baggage or lectures?  A friend posted an article about this guy that has done that.  Yes, there are Dad jokes.  Its ok.  He has his own You Tube channel and he shares how to do basic fixes around the house, yard and car.  This is information I learned the hard way with a husband that was on the road for his job most of the week.  If the toilet stopped working on Monday, I couldn't wait until Friday for him to fix it.  Yes, I know how to replace the chain on a toilet.

If this doesn't interest you, no problem.  But I figured for someone out there some where this might be helpful. 

Thursday, June 11, 2020

A favorite of mine

Two tissue true story....when it first went around I tracked down the original. 

My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:
'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection.
Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?'
The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning..'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt.. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. Athe pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.
Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.
By time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball. The smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

Thursday, June 4, 2020

Blogger will change

Like it or not.  Yup, there is a reason I dislike computers.  They change, constantly, and if there is a problem then it is your fault their software/hardware is faulty.  Follow the directions and it doesn't work the person you call can't tell you anything except the directions you already followed and it didn't work.  They actually don't know the answers.  We created this amazing way to communicate, learn, play and go down numerous and sometimes scary rabbit holes and nobody out there actually knows what is happening.  I worked IT for 15 years.  People wore lucky hats, chanted to their computers, and generally did anything they could think of and sometimes it just doesn't work.  Heavy sigh.  Blogger will change I have a months grace period of using the "old" way but it will change.  Their comment, well start the new one know and get a jump on it and give us feedback.  People please understand, they are using you the readers and bloggers to trouble shoot their problems.  I don't try to jump ahead on technology, I let other people have the problems, give them time to fix it then I will use it.  Not a happy way to start my morning finding out their idea of progress most likely does not match my idea of something wonderful. 

Three wishes.