Thursday, April 30, 2015

Nice vs Kind

mulderfan alerted me to this article.  Thanks mulderfan. I've skipped reading a lot of blog posts lately....mindless video games seem to be my escape right now.  I took the time to skim through then went back and read parts of it more carefully.

I am not to keen on hair splitting.....this is exactly this way or that.  However, as I read I realized she is pointing out a significant difference in motivation.  Her description of kind coming from a place of plenty and sharing abundance and nice being needy driving a desire to fill an emotional need.  I think this is the kind of article than can help a people pleaser (me) see why what they are doing is harmful to themselves and others.  I am working at filling up my own cup without relying on pleasing others to feel good about myself.  Need to sleep....I hope your enjoy the link.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015


Do you ever feel like you are running on empty?  The fuel needle pegs down and the light is flashing so many miles until you run out of gas?  Or are you laying on the couch looking all that needs to be done and your getup and go gotup and went without you? That is how I am feeling.  I sat down to write a post and nothing.  I even attempted to use an earlier partial post but still nothing.  No inspiration.  Nothing to say.  Not depressed.  Not enthusiastic.  Not anything.  I sat here staring at the computer.  Decided to sleep on it.  I woke up this morning and still nothing.  I spend the few minutes between one alarm going off and another one usually in prayer.  It is my quiet time to tell the Lord that I am a bought to set my feet on the floor and from here on out my day gets a little tougher.  Sitting on the edge of the bed I can imagine having a great day and making healthy choices.  Once I get moving things aren't so easy.  As I sat there this morning, I felt impressed to write about feeling nothing.  I used to be terrified of the feeling.  It meant that I shut down and no one and nothing can reach me.  I've done research on emptiness as much as I have on feeling overwhelmed.  In a book by Michael Wilcox Face to Face: Seeking a personal relationship with God he shares his idea
of what emptiness can be.  Before we can be filled up, we need to empty out.  Before we are ready to handle something new, we need to lose something in our lives.  This emptying out and filling up process is easily observable.  The Sea of Galilee is a vibrant beautiful area.  Water comes in and then goes out into the river Jordan.  The land is beautiful and growing.  However, the Jordan river takes the water to the Dead Sea and it all goes in but nothing comes out.  The only way water leaves is through evaporation and this rises the salt content so high nothing lives in the Dead Sea.  I am learning that humans aren't much different.  Loss, using up, being emptied out is a natural process.  However, I was taught to be afraid of it.  I was taught that when I emptied out nothing would be added.  I was left hungry much of my childhood.  Not because there was no food available but because my mother feared fat and didn't want her daughters to be fat so she starved us.  Yes, it is insane behavior but she was never diagnosed.  If I couldn't be filled physically, how would I believe I could be filled spiritually?  Now I am learning that if I am feeling hungry spiritually no amount of food can fill that need.  I am empty.  Am I humble enough to allow the Lord to fill my soul?  Or am I afraid of what I will feel? 

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Bullies Exist

Bullies abound.....the news plasters their stories everywhere then try to get you to feel sorry for them by pointing out they were bullied, just misunderstood victims.

My sister took on the meme on Facebook that talks about bullies always existing so train children to stand up to them....

The worse bullies I knew were the adults in my life.  I called it what it is abusers.  Bullies are abusers.  I took a class with our school district that broke down the bully, audience, and victim triad.  Many people will say that they were alone with the bully.  It was sneaky, behind peoples backs.  That is just it, the audience was everyone else.  If the victim claims the 'nice' person is a bully they are told they are too sensitive, can't take a joke, unreasonable, too soft and many other ways of shaming for not 'putting up' with the bullies behavior.  Standing up to bullies could land the victim in the hospital...the 'harmless' bully isn't always.  Choosing how to handle a bully situation can vary widely. 

Trying different approaches to the problem are sometimes needed.  Taming the bully with kindness is one of the paradoxes that works, sometimes.  A child reported to the parent that the neighbor boy was bullying him.  A plate of cookies and a home visit turned a bully into a friend.  Another interesting solution is positive peer pressure.  The audience surrounds the victim and lets the bully know that they made themselves an outsider.  This works when the bully is looking for acceptance.  Then there are bullies intent on doing harm.  Legislation does give an avenue to prosecute.  The boy that terrorized the little 6th grader online cross state lines and no jurisdiction covered the crime so it wasn't considered a crime.  The only thing that happened was his mother nearly lost her job and was put on probation at her job.  His mother allowed him to use her work computer unsupervised.  Most of the time the parents make it easy for online bullying and other cruelty to go unchecked.  Rather than correcting poor behavior they mumble, "Kids are just being kids" or "It is a part of childhood."  The irony is how often the tables are turned and victims are blamed for the bullies behavior.  Its craziness.  Laws can help with giving an avenue of recourse but it won't stop the bullies any more than laws against killing stops murders.  I do believe in getting involved at school, church and community levels.  I also believe in getting to know your children's friends, where they hang out, and monitor online activity.  Teaching respect for self and others, the golden rule, and other basic kindness rules is a step towards keeping your child from becoming a bully.  Teaching them self respect, self acceptance, and Karate goes along way to keep them from becoming victims.  One of our kids was being terrorized at school.  The school wouldn't do anything about it.  Yes, I took him to karate classes with a special request for self defense.  It worked.  Now, I take Karate myself.  It works.  No more bullies for me.

Resource for information on bullying:

Monday, April 27, 2015

Impressive comment

A comment from this blog 
N  stands for Narcissistic person.  The person may be a parent, boss, coworker, spouse or other individual close to you.  I was stunned when I came across others that had a narcissistic parent.  Seriously read the comments that lead up to this one.  Not allowing a narcissistic control your life is not being unforgiving. 

Cookie, I have been there/done that. My N has said and done similar things. She was always setting me up to be the bad guy, to take the fall, to be guilty of not caring enough or doing enough or doing it right. I got cancer, she got a new husband. I am convinced she will never die.

May I humbly suggest you stop rescuing her from her own decisions? Narcs are all about power and control. If she has the health and strength to refuse care and renege on commitments and keeps playing “both sides against the middle” (triangulation), then let her “own” it. Let the chips fall. Stop “feeding the monster”, and let natural consequences happen. She will rage and rail and recoil and exact revenge. You may have to watch it, but you won’t have to fix it. Get of her way and let her feel the burden of her choices.

I remember when I first began to remind my N of her own choices, and even to “agree” that she was “in control” of her own life….but not mine.

I began to say over and over and over, “you ARE in control…of you. Not me. It is your decision. However, I cannot _________” (fill in the blank).

I became a broken record of natural consequences. I stopped rescuing her. I began to tell the truth to her and anyone who asked. I got betrayed. I got blamed. I got cut out of the will (horrors!) I got scapegoated.

But I also got free. I began to realize that I was not “honoring my mother” by being controlled by her sin. I started creating boundaries (i.e.: I would hang up on her [after 3 warnings] if she persisted in verbal abuse.) I began to call it sin to her face and called her to repent. (Titus 3:10,11) She refused. I caught her in lies, exposed her duplicity, stopped covering for her. When people asked me about her, I told them she was abusive & that I could no longer expose myself to it. If they asked for more, I said that I had sinned by allowing it to continue for too long. That usually stopped the conversation because most of these folks knew the truth & had never defended me, but allowed me to be scapegoated, thus participating in her evil. (2 John 1:10, 11)

I eventually made the decision to avoid her, remove myself from her path (Romans 16:17) and let her have her “blessed control”. Lord have mercy, but “control” is only fun for a narc if they can control YOU. Take away the target (you) and control is no longer so much fun. But that is also when narcs reveal their true identities, and are unable to control their abusive tongues or maintain their public facade. She did not endear herself to others who now became targets of her control.

Eventually, I went NC. I had to….to restore my sanity. I was on the brink of suicide, literally. It was tough….it is still tough. Few people understand, especially family (including spouses). Most condemn me, & blame me for “destroying the family” (sic) but all are speechless when I responded by saying she had already destroyed the family w/o any help from me.

I have released her to God, and He is the One in control, not her. I have not retaliated against her, nor sought revenge. Yet, I am falsely accused of a variety of offenses (including being unforgiving, bearing a grudge, etc.) which is actually rather humorous since I have not uttered a single word to her or about her in over 3 years, so exactly what am I guilty of?

I began to learn that having boundaries was not punitive, but about protection and preservation. My boundaries were about protecting myself and my family, not about “punishing” her, nor about holding a grudge. If you protect yourself by locking doors at nite, is that holding a grudge against your neighbors?

The biggest spiritual offense for me was that her narcissism was so engulfing, so pervasive, so overwhelming that it forced me to look away from the Cross in order to focus ONLY on her. “What fellowship has light with darkness??” (2Cor 6:14) It became intolerable as she claimed to love the very Savior that she denied by demanding to be Queen of the throne. There was no room for the King of Kings as long as she remained on her throne. There was also no need for a Savior because she was never wrong! No, she had no need to repent of anything and blamed everyone else for her own behavior. When I had that epiphany, I stopped trying to “honor” her, realizing that she was making a mockery of my faith while using it for her own purposes, not God’s. She consistently dishonored the word of God, and I found that I could no longer bear it.

I am not saying going NC is right for every situation, nor am I implying that you should. But I am saying that you have a right to not be abused by the controlling nature of an elderly narc. I have searched the scriptures and cannot find anywhere that allows abuse simply b/c the person is old. If there is a wolf in the sheepfold, we need to flee, not feed it. We are all called to obedience and holiness and should run away from those who “maintain the appearance of godliness but deny its power…from such turn away.” (2 Tim 3: 5)

Sorry for the long post, and I hope this is taken as affirmation and not accusation. I totally understand your difficult circumstance. I will be praying for you!

Sunday, April 26, 2015


I believe I posted before the acronym FINE.
According to the Italian Job it stands for Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. This became the FINE I used when people asked me how I was but I didn't want to share what I was feeling.  Now I have a new one that I believe answers far more accurately.... Thanks to my friend for sharing this with me. 

FINE - Feelings I'm Not Expressing

Choosing to change my status from victim to survivor a necessary step is to stop lying, especially to myself.  The lies are numerous....

It's not that bad.
Others have it worse.
I don't deserve good things to happen.
I'm not good enough. 
I made them angry.
I deserve the bad things that happened.
I shouldn't ask for help.
I have to do ___________. (Fill in the blank.)

These are said so often, for so long that they start to feel like the truth.  Of course the number one answer to question, "How are you?"  You got it, "I'm fine."

 I would say I'm fine not because I felt that way but because it was the expected response.  I wanted to change the automatic lies without dumping on people more than they want to hear.  (Yes, on one occasion I didn't want to talk to a person so I purposely talked about having cancer. The person suddenly had somewhere else to be.)  From an early age we are encouraged to think about others and the expected response.  Most people asking "How are you?" don't actually want to know.  The new definitions for fine helped me to embrace my truth without plunging others into the quagmire of my existence.  I know some people actually want to know how I am and I endeavor to share an answer reflective of how I am feeling.  I am learning that just because I have a feeling it doesn't mean it needs to control my life.  It also doesn't mean I need to ignore it.  Sometimes I have feelings that I sit with....inquire what they need from me or any action I may need to take in response to the feeling.  I am learning that sometimes a feeling just wants to be acknowledged.  Sometimes I'm FINE.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

The end is near.....

I work at a high school and the ebb and flow of the year revolves around graduation.  About half of our students are Seniors and will not continue on but with a good push to the end will walk for their diploma.  I felt tired and frustrated this week with students expecting to not have to do assignments since they had to take State required tests.  I am watching their efforts trying to cut corners and do as little as possible with feelings of irritation and frustration.  I reminded them in a month they would be out in the working world and their work ethic would be graded by a boss that doesn't care if he hurts your feelings or not.  Unfortunately for me, the added frustration is that I believe standardize testings is the biggest fraud ever.  No one gets anything out of it except those selling the test.  The original idea was to keep slacking schools up with the exceptional schools.  It didn't worked as planned.  Now exceptional schools are burdened down with spending their time trying to meet the agenda of some person in an office that never stepped foot in a school room.  I also watch the insanity of seeing a program work at one school and attempt to duplicate it at the other school without fully embracing the entire program.  I felt like a guinea pig when I was in school and after 30 years not much has changed.  I do like working with the teachers that I assist.  Both women are amazing people that want to help students succeed.  Hours of work beyond the school day are invested in creating an engaging and comprehensive program to help them through out their lives.  I feel like it is a privilege to work with them.  I am looking forward to the testing being over as much, if not more, than the students. 

Less than 4 weeks to graduation

Thursday, April 23, 2015


Blessedly it wasn't in the car.  Driving home was a constant fight to stay awake....when I got home I crashed on the couch....Thanks God.  Slept heavily.....more like passing out than sleeping.  Woke up just in time to go to Karate.  Thankful that I was helping a new student and able to go slow tonight.  Winding down again after working out.  Recurring comatose states are annoying at best and down right terrifying at worst.  When I was passing out daily, a lady decided I was going to fix all her problems.  I tried to explain that some days I could barely fix dinner for my family so fixing all her issues....not happening.  This was before counseling so I didn't know how to set appropriate boundaries.  Instead, I allowed one of the monster pass-outs happen when she was there.  Watching a person pass-out is kind of creepy and scary.  I mostly tried to be alone in my room for them to happen.  Unfortunately, for many years they happened so often and sometimes without much warning.  But this lady was expecting me to carry her burdens and I figured a way to cut to the chase of reality was for her to see my reality.  It worked.  She was terrified I would die and she didn't want to be in the position of being the strong one in a relationship.  She used victimhood to manipulate others.  Yup, she dropped out of my life after that.  I could have assured her after many years of doing this dying was not going to happen.  Having one today, minor compared to how they used to be, reminded me that complete collapse is never far away. 

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Slow down today

A week of go, go, go is bound to have a backlash day.  I tried to take it easy.  Worked on things needing to do but taking breaks.  Probably should have stayed home from week.  Only 4 weeks left at school and I had zero sympathy for the students finally realizing we are in crunch time and they have a ton of work to do.  I feel like one of the missionaries that put up a cardboard sign on back country road.  The sign read, "The End is Near."  A motorist flipped them off and sped on down the road.  After an all might splash... the missionary mumbled, "Maybe I should have written bridge out."  They have known all year that May would arrive with graduation for Seniors.  I reminded them in another month they will be working and no longer in school.  One or two seemed surprised to have it put quite like that.  I sounded so crabby, yea, I probably should have stayed home. 

Tuesday, April 21, 2015


I was reminded why I am terrible with a deadline.  Deadlines seem to invite Karma's worse cousins, mistakes and disaster.  Crashing servers, lost files, too many files with the same name, and tripping up on the small tasks put me behind the 8 ball. (Yes, I like playing billiards.)  There is a reason I could never run a photography business.  I'm terrible with a deadline.  I eat, can't sleep, play mindless video games, and ate about half a batch of brownies.  My stomach is very unhappy with my shenanigans and after typing about the brownies....I still have some left.   (I am hearing that singsongy voice tempting me.....grabbed a water bottle, not as tasty but my stomach will love me for it.) 

I was reminded recently by someone else's experience how tragically dark my life used to be.  I was sickest when my kids needed me most.  I feel so guilty for screwing up my kids childhoods.  Generational abuse is perpetuated partly by ignorance, partly by cruel choices, and partly out of fear.  Choosing to stop the insanity is like putting my hand up to halt a tsunami.  I didn't pass on some of the crap but there is still plenty that leaks around the edges.  My children recognized the cruelty of my mother long before I would admit it.  I did have memories that when I told, I was blamed for making her angry, waking her up, interrupting her, interfering with her TV show, however, when I told my counselor he assured me over and over again that my mental illness was how I adjusted to living in asylum when I was a child.  I actually already knew this.  I listened to a Dr. Banks tape over and over again on Mental hygiene.  He is the one that introduced me to the quote

Ere' you wonder on through life brother,
What ever be your goal.
Keep your Eye upon the doughnut,
And not upon the hole.  

I found his videos on line.  He is an entertaining speaker and I've been assured by others that he can piss off most people.  I happen to love his irreverent approach and use of humor as a way to get past my guard.  This is the first of several videos: 
Some people may find his approach triggering.  I was in my 20's when I nearly memorized the cassette tape I had of his speech.  I can still quote large portions it.  I listened over and over and over.  I think it was the first real active effort on my part to figure out what was going on inside my head.  It took years to get over my hangups, prejudices, and fears before I went with my husband to see a counselor.  When I started it was for marriage counseling.  I didn't think my past had anything to do with the problems in my present.  I was so wrong.  I couldn't remember but it didn't stop my past from disrupting my present.  I don't believe wallowing in the past is helpful but I did learn that I need to acknowledge that horrible things happened, I was not exaggerating or lying to get attention.  Crap happened and I was blamed for it.  Maybe that's why I wanted to get the t-shirt with the quote:

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.  

Some body calls this home. 

Monday, April 20, 2015

Never say......

My sister and I were chatting this week...nothing new we chat every week.  We call it sister therapy.  We both know what our background is and cut to the chase in many conversations.  For some reason, we talked about never saying, "It can't get worse."  I believe in a weird way that is throwing out a challenge to life and Karma, things can always get worse.  Someone wrote a children's book called, It Can Always be Worse When my children were young I came across it in the library along with several other versions.  (I need to be told things several times to finally get it.)  I was a struggling mom with little kids and feeling sick and kind of poor and always worried and overwhelmed and years away from getting the counseling I needed.  My dark hole gaped wider and deeper as I lied to myself over and can't get worse.   It surely can.  The flip side is it can also get better.  My perspective can can actually improve.....blessings come after the trial.  In the deepest hole of depression I started believing it couldn't get better.  As long as I believed it, it was true.  Darkness clouded my mind suffocating my emotional life.  The darkness swirled around me.  I finally cried out in prayer, "I can't do this any more.".......My prayers were answered with a question, "What are you going to do about it?" 

I worked....I learned....I worked some more....

Rule #1 - Stop lying.....especially to yourself. 
Rule # 2 - I don't look good in orange.
Rule # 3 - I can do anything for 5 minutes including resting for 5 minutes before crawling forward again.

Fragile survivors

Sunday, April 19, 2015

What a weekend..... weekend was packed.  I'm back to writing today.  Yesterday, I did a cooking the time the last batch of cookies came out of the oven I was barely awake.  I was thrilled to spend the day testing 3 brownie recipes.....(I am teaching myself to cook now that the kids are grown,) 3 batches of banana bread and 3 dozen cookies.  I did more in a day than I used to do in a month.  In fact, there was one time in my life that I couldn't have done any of it.  I could only be up for 20 minutes a day and baking any one of them was more than 20 minutes.  Today was catching up on things for church and going to listen to a speaker.  The young lady shared her experience of debilitating depression and her determination to feel joy in the journey. I did not choose the same path she did to deal with the pain and frustration of severe depression.  I did appreciate her sharing her understanding of Christ atonement covers not just our sins but our suffering, too.  Christ understands our darkest struggles.  Sadly, churches can get things fairly muddled or miss the point all together.  Even sadder is when someone is on the receiving end of spiritual abuse to the point where they want nothing to do with Heavenly Father and Christ.  Her sharing of her firm belief that Christ cares and is there in her darkest moments was uplifting for me.  I experienced some of those same feelings.  I heard a quote some where, "When you hit rock bottom, you learn that Christ is the rock at the bottom."  Found it online, same picture and everything.....

I hope you enjoyed part of your weekend too....ok if you didn't, sometimes, the goal is making it through the day.  On a bad day, I would remind myself, I can do anything for 5 minutes.

* By the way....Ghirardelli 100% cocoa makes a fabulous brownie. 

Determination or foolish?

Friday, April 17, 2015

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Anger Center stage

In the space of 15 minutes I read three radically different posts on Anger.  Anger is a destructive force....Scott Williams calls it orgasmic ...its seductive power sucks people in.....then you meet a person that invades your boundaries....anger is the only answer some people will listen to.  If you talk in reasonable tones they will totally ignore you and your concern....only anger gets through their thick wall of self absorption.  I was raised in a home ruled by anger and passive aggressive quiet anger.  I didn't do much better raising my kids.  I buried my anger under layers and layers of dissociation.  The monster in the living room.  A few points I learned about anger.

1.  Dissociation buries anger without processing.....when you discover it again it is as fresh as when it was buried.

2.  Anger is a secondary emotion.....Fear, hurt or frustration came first.  Look for the source to resolve my anger. 

3.  When I feel anger, many times it is the warning that someone is violating my boundaries.  (I'm kind of clueless to the earlier signs.)

4.  Anger is affective in short term situation.

5.  Some people will listen to nothing else.  Reasonable tones bounce off some people.  Anger is the tone that says, "YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME."

6.  Anger can function like a thrumming dynamo to fuel accomplishing some tasks.  (Cleaning house in a rage gets me through more work than I can accomplish without it.)

7.  Anger is as destructive to me as to the person I direct it to...sometimes more so.

Anger was the avenue my first counselor used to pry out my secrets.  He would say things to provoke an angry response from me.  He was astounded at how completely I could dissociate so that anger vanished within seconds.  I still struggle with feelings of anger.  It is hard to sit with those emotions. 

Anger is brooding

Doesn't play well with others

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Web page on Child abuse

Information is available if you know where to look on the signs and symptoms of child abuse.  The hardest thing for me to accept in my counseling is understanding how severely abusive my childhood was.  I wanted the fairy tale, "We went to the park, we went to the zoo."  For years, I was told it wasn't intentional.  It was even more difficult to accept that this also was a lie.  I was devastated.  The greatest burden of all is knowing I passed on some to my children....out of not knowing how to parent, my own lack of self care, and other factors.  Generational abuse is difficult to detect when it is all you know.  I made mistakes, big ones.  Changing now sometimes feels like too little, too late.  Knowledge is the doorway to making changes in your life either healing or preventing child abuse. 

The images are disturbing or triggering for some people.  The article is fairly long.

They state that the earlier a child gets help the better off they are.  That is true, however, it is never too late to seek help.  Self care is not selfish, it is a healthy choice. 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Lack of interest

One of the symptoms of depression is a lack of interest.  I didn't think I ever lacked interest.  I am very curious.  I fell under the category of engineer because I do like pulling things apart and seeing how they work.  I also like fixing broken things.  I love teaching people how to use their computer.  I am interested in so many things.  Well, the dark blanket of depression has slowly lifted over the years.  This month I renewed my interest in crocheting, planted a garden, teaching someone computers, learning to cook....yup, I've done more in a month than I used to do in a year.  I didn't know how intensely curious I am, until the depression started to recede.  It is difficult to be true to myself when I don't know who I am.  I am very excited about the things I am doing.  The crocheting I started to stress out so I made an ugly scarf....yea, I probably couldn't give it away but it gave me a chance to review stitches.  I am astounded at how many webpages and videos are available for free.  I am also learning about cooking, I didn't know that there are 5 mother sauces.  Once I read about them I realized I used all except one.  I never attempted to make my own Hollandaise sauce.  I also ate a yummy dinner with DH that I fixed on Sunday so only needed to heat up today and dinner was ready in 15 minutes.  I didn't realize until now how much depression took a bite out of my curiosity.  Sometimes you got ta come out of the trees to see the forest. 

Monday, April 13, 2015

Get out of my head

One of the statements that totally irritated me was when DH told me to not let my mother get into my head.  AAAAAHHHHHgggggg.....he didn't explain how to do this.  It involves boundaries, taking back my power and perspective.  An awesome combination when you know how to use it. Goes along with the this one:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt
These are thrown out there with abuse survivors having no idea how to stop this from happening.  How do you get someone out of your head?  How do you stop a person from making you feel inferior?  
I believe there are several steps involved.  First, you need to know who you are.  A child abused from a young age defines themselves by their abusers standards, inferior, defective, dumb, not worth protecting, foolish, all the ugly derogatory things that abusers use to emotional destroy a person.  Second, a person needs to understand boundaries.  If I am to keep someone out of some place I need to know what boundaries are mine to maintain.  Many of my sessions revolved around boundaries.  In the process I learned to keep my abusers out of my head.  I am still working on this process.  Mostly the third thing is recognizing that the line between inferior and superior is always drawn by the one that is attacking.  I had to recognize that when someone is attempting to make me feel inferior they are an enemy and I am responsible for defending myself.  I am a work in progress.  I am learning that someone's opinion is not fact.  I am learning that their perception is just that, their perception.  I can agree or disagree.  I am learning that some people depend on putting other people down in a lame attempt to make themselves be bigger.  I learned that truly strong people have no need to make anyone else feel inferior.  
Sometimes you need to build a fence and lock some people out. 

Saturday, April 11, 2015

The real healer

On Sundays, I try to share a bit of my belief that Christ is the True Healer.  I worked with a counselor that had lots of letters after his name.  Fortunately for me, his faith was similar to mine.  We talked often about the important role Jesus Christ has in the healing process.  Christ's night in Gethsemane and Resurrection changed everything.  I know that many survivors list religion as one of the things they hate most because how it was used to side with the abuser.  I know because it happened to me.  Pious Hippocrates using scriptural references to manipulate and distort truth makes it difficult to embrace any religion.  However, from a young age I felt a connection to Christ.  I once described it as an unbreakable thread that bound me to Him.  It kept me from flying out of control because I believed in Christ.  I felt much like the woman with an issue of blood for years that audaciously touched the hem of Christ coat.  Christ was immediately aware of the women in the crowded streets, he felt her faith.  Christ revealed his mission to the woman at the well.  The first person that saw the resurrected Christ was a woman.  Many of his miracles were about healing people both body and spirit.  He encouraged, invited, and led the way.  I am thankful for many others sharing their beliefs and views that lift and encourage.  Photographers, Corrie TenBoom, ministers, friends and sister share different up lifting thoughts and encouragement.  All these help.  For me, Christ found me when I was lost and helped to lead me to healing and happiness. 

Hope For The Broken Hearted (Check this out on Facebook)

This is why this ministry exists... to share the hope I found through many trials, illnesses, grief, pain and loss. Jesus is our healer, comforter, and deliverer and our hope.I want to share His comfort and encourage you that He can heal you as well! You may feel like your heart will never heal. You may feel like you have no hope or future and that your life is over, but those are just feelings and God is bigger than anything we think feel, or face. He promises to be near to the brokenhearted and to bind up their wounds. He is faithful and His promises are true and they are for yesterday, today and forever. Cry out to Him, He is as close as a breath away. He sees your tears and hears your cries and He will never leave your side! You will get through all that you are facing with His help!

Friday, April 10, 2015

Run, Run

One of the challenges of PTSD is using busyness as a distraction.  You run and run and run and run then your body has enough and collapses.  You go to the doctor, they give you a bunch of test, tell you there is nothing wrong with you and the cycle begins again and again and get the picture.  You try to pace yourself but you feel the time slipping away, so much to do with so little time before your body collapses again. Last night I sat watching a TV show then woke up 2 hours later.  So much for writing, doing my editing, or anything else I was supposed to do.  I wake up feeling chilled it is over 70 degrees...not a good sign.  I walk out the door forgetting items I'm supposed to take to work.  Thoughts slip away like all the memories that slid through the cracks until they pop back with a trigger and a bang.  Frustration.  PTSD does not go on vacation.  Those around you get tired of tip toeing around.  Express their wish that you could be different.  I wish I could be different.  I worked hard.  Eleven years of counseling.....I spent almost that long in elementary school.  In many ways I am very different from when I began this walk out of hell.  In other ways, I am still struggling.  Some days I am just so tired.  Then the feeling passes and I am on the run again. 

My one and only mud-run I did with my daughter....Life feels like this sometimes. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Not the end of the world

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."
- John Wooden

Click Here For Success Tip # 092

 Abuse is not the end of the world.  Abuse sucks and has long term challenges but if your are complaining about abuse, you are still alive.  Alive means options.  I caution people never, and I mean never, say, "It can't get any worse."  The statement is like throwing out a challenge to Karma and life to bring out the big guns.  However, I am saddened by the number of people with PTSD and other long term problems that look at the dark path ahead and conclude it can't get any better.  Too easily this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I appreciated my friend with a crippled hand that taught me how to sew on plastic canvas.  I loved her attitude.  She declared that she wasn't handicapped, she was handiable.  She proved it every day by doing so much with her life.  I notice that I can get sucked into focusing on fixing the broken places and totally ignore the healthy and strong ones.  I am not my broken pieces.  I have broken pieces and some will take a bit to make them somewhat workable.  There are many things I can do every day.  There are plenty of the things that I won't get done during the day but that doesn't mean I should stop doing what I can do.  

I believed I couldn't draw, then I became an art major.  This is from my first drawing class. 

Tuesday, April 7, 2015


Monica Lewinsky

Shame shame go away

Two links I researched this week.  I sat down with my counselor today and discussed my progress on researching shame.  The biggest difficulty is recognizing distortions or unhealthy information.  I am continuing my quest for understanding.  Shame and guilt....some people interchange them, others define them separately.  I heard several different descriptions.  This subject is a long time frustration for me.  KavinCoach gave me a book on the subject....unfortunately the author used the same word for both healthy and unhealthy guilt.  I believe shame, guilt, love, intimacy suffer similar fates, people bring their own definition expecting everyone else to mean the same thing. 

Why bother researching guilt and shame? 

Shame and guilt are hallmark symptoms of PTSD. 

Shame that I stood aside and did nothing.
Survivors Guilt - nasty kind of guilt that I survived and others died. 
Guilt about things I did and were done to me. 
Shame of what I became.

Horrible feelings all mixed together. 

After chatting with counselor I have a frame work for studying the topic. 

Reminder....this is my opinion blended by years of pondering the subject and just muddling through this whole emotions thing:

Healthy guilt motivates me to correct poor behavior and nudges me to repent with an emphasis on feeling guilty until I make restitution when possible.  Unhealthy guilt is everything else.  I described it like putting rocks in my backpack for everything I did wrong.  Hauling the guilt around long after I repented of my actions.  Christ paid the price but I am not giving Him the sins and hurt he paid for.  I include hurt intentionally.  One of my biggest struggles is feeling the shame transferred to me by my abusers.  The blame the victim mantra chanted by predators ease their own minds by believing the victims got what they deserved.  I think this transferred shame is very damaging because I really can do nothing about it.  It is not mine to own.  It is like the pedophile opened up my backpack and dumped his nasty heavy rocks into my backpack.  Unpacking the rocks is a lifelong practice that I needed to learn.  KavinCoach spent hours trying to teach me how to unpack my backpack of useless rocks.  Here is the one can unpack those rocks of guilt and shame except me.  I need to relinquish them.  In my understanding, Christ is the master healer.  He knows how to blast those rocks to smithereens. 

There will be further updates as I continue my research. 

Monday, April 6, 2015

I don't want to grow up

I showed DH the fun picture of the dog crashed out on the porch with the words, "I don't want to adult, don't ask me to do anything adult."  Whoever thinks it is a great idea to be a grown up, hasn't been one.  I am in total rebellion about this whole adult thing.  I was reminded today of the quote, "Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional." 

How many people can you find in this picture?

Sunday, April 5, 2015


"Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money and power and influence. It is no more or less than faith in action."
- Henry Chester

Click Here For Success Tip # 066

Faith the size of a mustard seed is all I need to get started. (Side note: I am learning to cook....I raised 6 kids with them fixing the meals half the time.  I made about a dozen basic meals.  I always joked, "If you are what you eat, then I am fast, cheap and easy.")  I recently found a package of mustard seeds....those things are tiny.  I mean miniscule.  That little bitty bit goes a long way.  Another interesting thing to note about mustard seed, from this speck of beginning grows one of the largest herb plants.  It towers over 6 feet tall from the dot of a seed.  Take that and put it into action.  Enthusiasm.... help your faith grow and the enthusiasm can multiply exponentially.  I learned that excessive enthusiasm is objectionable to some people.  If I showed too much enthusiasm they would immediately find some way to try to put me down or make fun of my excitement.  Enthusiasm is powerful stuff.  It is the burst of energy that gets me going on a project.  I have enthusiasm, now I need to get the stuff that keeps you going.  I start many project enthusiastically. Then the enthusiasm drains away under the day to day pressure of completing a project.  I need a booster shot to get me through to the end.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

In the tomb

I remember attending an Easter service with my daughter and artist drew Christ story while the minister shared the accounts of Christ's death and resurrection.  In an attempt to find the video of the performance I found this instead:

He lives. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

Good Friday

This is a mixed day for me.  At preschool I play the Easter Bunny.  My goal is to make the experience fun for the little ones.  This year my friend suggested that I bring bubbles.  It was brilliant idea.  The bubbles helped the gigantic pink furry rabbit be a little less scary.  I worked at creating an atmosphere of fun and acceptance if a child doesn't want to come near me.  I look forward to this day all year.  I feel quite pleased when the children have fun.  Traditions can be fun.

The more serious side of Good Friday is contemplating the choice Christ made to do Heavenly Father's will.  He asked that the cup pass from him but "Thy will be done."  Channel jumping we encountered a show that expressed the idea that Christ was suicidal.  If that is true then every soldier that joins the fight against evil is also suicidal.  Besides, Christ knew He would rise again.  I quickly changed the channel when the suppositions became more and more ludicrous, in my opinion.  The presenter clearly did not envision Christ mission as a divine intervention in an Eternal war between good and evil. In my belief, Christ was chosen before this world was created that he would come in the meridian of time and break the bonds of death.  He will come again at the end of time to reign righteously.  Without the terrible events on Good Friday, there could be no rejoicing on Sunday morning.  Movie makers attempt to visualize the agony of Golgotha.  They cannot.  Movie makers also gloss over the prayer in Gethsemane.  No movie maker attempts to represent an agony so intense that He sweat blood.  I can not fathom the love Christ embraced to be able to make this sacrifice for a world that mocks and rejects Him.  I can do nothing for what others believe.  I can testify, though I don't understand, I believe.  I believe He would do the same if I was the only one.   He died for all but He touches our hearts one at a time.  He loves us so much he has us engraved on the palms of His hands.


No Ordinary Man

How Great Thou Art

His Hands

10,000 Reasons

Amazing Grace 
Tartanic Amazing Grace (Bagpipes)

Who am I

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Pocket Poems

This months is celebrating pocket poems.  Put a poem in your pocket and share it with someone else.

PDF of poems suggested by the web site.

One that I found on Facebook I wanted to share today.

Enjoy a poem today.  

April Fools

Disturbing evening.  I tried a cute April Fools joke.  I cut out brown construction paper Es and told the students I brought Brown-Es for snack.  The other teachers were far more amused than the students.  I approach the day with caution with good reason.  I was the butt of my brothers jokes, often as a kid.  I was startled, frightened out of my mind, pinched, scared on the stairs so I fell down them, and I was supposed to laugh because it was a joke.  Ha Ha NOT.  I wanted to explore something fun without cruelty.  I felt I succeeded with the Brown-Es.  Later in the evening I was checking out facebook.  Someone posted a clip that was a prank on a subway station where 'UnDead' terrorized some women on board.  The person said it was funny.  I watched the whole thing to see if I missed something.  I didn't.  These women were terrorized and someone that it was funny....over a million views.  What the crap.  What is funny about terrorizing another person?  I lived it.  Those type of "funny" events can leave lasting emotional scars.  I verified for myself that what someone else may consider funny doesn't make it so.  Emotional cruelty is not funny.  Perhaps this is the reason I approach April Fools day with caution.  A joke can slip into out right cruelty all to easily.  Going to be a bad night.  But I know for's not funny.  :(